Trader Vic's London - One Man vs. the Drink Menu

After 2 weeks away from the good ol’ USA and T.C. it’s good to be back! My wife and I and our 2 kids (ages 2 years and 8 months) just completed our whirlwind tour of Ireland and a couple days in London. I could go on for days about the trials and tribulations of travelling to Europe with children but I’ll save that for some other time. To put it simply... I need a vacation!

What I want to recount is my adventure visiting London’s Trader Vic’s Saturday night. After an extremely long day trying to pacify our 2-year-old inside the Cabinet War Rooms and lugging a stroller and 2 kids up the mountainous stairways leading out of the Underground stations I needed a damn drink. After finally getting something to eat and getting our tired asses back to the hotel room around 11 PM I proudly proclaimed that I was going to Trader Vic’s. We were staying close enough that I figured walking wouldn’t be a problem and I set out alone into the misty London darkness clad only in an aloha shirt and khakis with 25 pounds in my pocket.

I walk for a good 10-15 blocks on Oxford Street make the left at Marble Arch and suddenly realize that I need to get to 22 Park Lane which is all the way at the other end of Hyde Park. I walked for what seemed like forever, passing all the high-end car dealerships and fancy looking hotels, and finally made out the lovely Ku beside the Hilton’s awning which marked the entrance to the Trader’s underground lair at around 11:45. I quickly made my way to the bottom of the stairs and purposely tried to slip into the bar and avoid the hostess at her podium. She proceeded to embarrass me and ask if I was looking for friends and I sheepishly told her I was by myself. Next thing I know I’m being shown to a barstool in the “non-smoking” side of the bar because the main area was full. It struck me as odd that they have a non-smoking section placed 3 feet away from a table full of well-dressed young Londoners smoking like there was no tomorrow. But I didn’t even notice because I was moments away from a Mai Tai!

I was seated directly in front of the bartender and I enjoyed watching him mixing precision cocktails with blazing speed. Finally I was able to get my order in and got my first sip of an excellent drink served with the customary mint and lime shell! After 12 days of beer the exotic flavor of rum was like sweet nectar! I sucked the Mai Tai down in about 5 minutes and at 7 pounds each (with an absolutely horrid exchange rate of $2 to every pound) I realized I’d better just sip the next one. Next I ordered a Samoan Fogcutter which was also excellent! With the hefty mug in hand I weaved my way through the astonishingly noisy crowd of patrons that drove the decibel level to that of a taxiing 747. I took in the majority of décor; got some odd looks by the wait staff and when I got halfway through the Fogcutter I suddenly started feeling it. Once I sat back down my mind quickly began concocting a plan to steal a Mai Tai glass or a set of salt and pepper shakers… it was going to be hard but if I timed it right it might be absolutely do-able! Next I struck up a conversation with the bartender and I told him about my interest in tiki bars and told him I had a bar in my basement back home in the states. He proceeded to ask me about what drinks I made at home and I rumbled off the list; Mai Tai’s, Suffering Bastards, Missionary Downfalls, etc. He asked me if I ever tried a Tiki Something Something… at this point it really didn’t matter. The drink was gigantic… served in a big glass bowl and had a nice orange/spice flavor. I tried to watch what he was mixing but he was pouring so quick I couldn’t get my eyes to focus on the bottles long enough to recognize anything. Well nonetheless, I got halfway through this strong concoction and thoughts of petty theft quickly gave way to thoughts of, “how in the hell am I gonna make it back to the hotel.” The glorious room was in a daze when my straw met the dry bottom of the glass. I made it clear to the bartender that I was definitely done and whipped out my money to pay for my refreshments. When the bartender stepped away from me for a moment to retrieve my check the thoughts of heisting a momento popped in my head again. But in my drunken stupor all I could grab was a big handful of swizzle sticks (which I already have about 100 of anyway) and I proceeded to shove them in my pocket. I paid the bill immediately when he returned plopping the 25 down and staggering back out of Trader Vic’s, up the stairs and back into the dark misty morning.

I miraculously made it all the way back to the hotel without incident and I found that I was doing pretty well walking a straight line judging by the lines in the pavement. I thought the walk had sobered me up a bit but as soon as I slid the card into the lock and tried to swing the door open as quietly as possible I realized that I was really f-ed up! Luckily I had sense enough not to come charging into the pitch black room screaming like a banshee and abruptly jolting everyone awake but as soon as I whispered to my wife that I’d made it back she proceeded to shush me telling me to quiet down. Before I could make a comment she remarked that I smelled like a god damned distillery and asked how many drinks I had. I lied and told her 2 but I’m positive she knows it was more than that. I hurriedly undressed and with as much grace as I could muster tried to get into bed as normally as possible but I fell forward with my right pant leg around my ankle and cracked my shin into the sideboard on the bed. I had to bite my lip and play it off like it wasn’t a big deal and dropped between the sheets. I said my quick goodnight and closed my eyes and that’s when the spinning started. All I could do was pray to God that I’d fall asleep before the puking started. I had this nightmarish vision of me puking in the bathroom and having my 2-year old permanently scarred by witnessing it all but luckily sleep came almost immediately. I felt it all the next day but luckily my wife was humane and let me “sleep-in” a little while longer while she fed the kids their breakfasts.

All in all it made for an interesting experience…I was just happy I got to do something tiki related even if it was solo.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Great story, thanks for sharing.

[ Edited by: Kon-Hemsby on 2005-06-15 02:00 ]

John, Next time you're in London, tell us Britikis. We'll take you to Trader Vic's, and make sure you get back to your hotel.

Great story though!

Kon-Hemsby - I was originally trying to organize a get-together with some of the Britikis but we didn't have an exact plan of dates when we'd be in London. Originally we had planned on staying the first 3 days of our vacation in London then it was the last 3 days then the first 3 again... and so on and so forth. Next time I'm gonna get the dates set in concrete so I can meet my UK ohana! Shit if I'd only planned on some local back-up you guys could have carried my drunken American ass back to my hotel! :)

John Tiki, Secret is...save your money up for a while and then stay in the Hilton the night you go to Vic's. Beleive me after 4 hours in there you need it.

1. Recover from the drink
2. Recover from the bill!

Catch you next time you're over.

"He asked me if I ever tried a Tiki Something Something… at this point it really didn’t matter. The drink was gigantic… served in a big glass bowl and had a nice orange/spice flavor."

Sounds like the dangerous Tiki Puka Puka! It's gotten me in trouble at TV's more than once!

Great story!

Kanaka

Kanaka - you're right it was the Tiki Puka Puka! Now I know what really did me in! Anyone have the recipe? :)

ah, a "Crawl of One" ~ thanks for sharing your tale!

Are you sure you where in TV's and even London? I have had nights like that but woke up in the wrong city. Its good to know the TV's in London is still up to their old tricks.

Great story!!
Your headline reminded me of the five nights I "lived" at the Kahiki. I drank one of every drink they had pictured on their menu and most of the ones written but without pictures--about 22 drinks in ALL!

I got a chuckle reading about your trip to London. I've stumbled about those streets too. Congratulations on making it back to the hotel without getting hit by a car.

I was glad you resisted the urge to steal (or nik as they say in England) something more than a few swizzle sticks from Trader Vic's.

Didn't you know stealing from a tiki bar is kapu? You will suffer very bad luck as long as you keep the objects.

You're my hero... for now.

I think I saw you that night - did you had on tan pants and hawaiian print shirt and were alone? You were over in the Non smoking area of the bar - with that big drink - right?

Sounds like the dangerous Tiki Puka Puka! It's gotten me in trouble at TV's more than once!

Me too! I fell into a wall after one of my tiki puka puka ventures! What the hell it was doing in my way, I'll never know.

Sneakyjack - were you in London last weekend or did I just do a good job setting the scene?!? :) I definitely felt like I stood out... I'm pretty sure I was the only customer wearing a Hawaiian shirt!

JohnTiki

Aloha from the enchanted Pi Yi Grotto in exotic Bel Air Maryland!

[ Edited by: johntiki on 2005-06-15 19:00 ]

Tiki Puka Puka for me tonight then.

speaking of one man (or woman) vs. the TV menu - how many people here have tried every drink on the TV menu? On the current London menu there are 75 different mixed drinks (including hot drinks, large sharing drinks and classic drinks, but excluding weak/non-alcohol and after-dinner straights).

personally I'm just over half way... :)