Recipe: Bad Mai Tai Recipes

I was surprised to find that there wasn't a thread dedicated to bad Mai Tai recipes.

We discuss them ad nauseum, thanks to the widespread use of pineapple juice, orange juice, or grenadine, but occasionally, there's a "mai tai" that's so bad that it bears a second look. I've seen some pretty horrific recipes, and usually get a kick out of imagining how awful the cocktail must be. Today, while concocting a mai tai in my head (don't judge me) and searching for ingredients online, I happen to come across mention of what I think may be the most disgusting recipe I've seen to date. I've posted it below for the amusement of everyone else, and I hope that some of you will post recipes for any tiki drink that you've found particularly abhorrent. Because just like hot dogs, Jello, and mayonnaise, some things just don't belong together. Bonus points for making the recipe, and posting a photo.

Mark Condry's Mai Tai

Ingredients:
.5 oz Parrot Bay Orange Rum
.5 oz Parrot Bay Pinapple [sic] Rum
1 oz Disaronno Amaretto
.5 oz Triple sec
1.5 oz Orange juice
1.5 oz Pineapple juice
Splash grenadine
.5 oz Myer's Dark Rum
Mixing instructions:
Shake all ingredients (except Dark Rum) with ice and strain into a collins [sic] glass over several ice cubes. Float Dark Rum, garnish and serve.

What I like about that recipe is how much work went into creating a terrible mai tai! It's for folks who don't like their drinks strong and don't want to have to source out exotic ingredients, like orgeat. But, I've definitely had a worse mai tai. There was one with Malibu coconut and white rum (probably well rum) that tasted like poison. I'm thinking it was something like:
1 oz cheap white rum
1 oz Malibu or other cheap coconut rum
Fill glass with orange juice
Grenadine float.
And this was at a classy restaurant! There may have been some triple sec in there, but who can tell with all that orange juice!?

The Mai Tai is truly one of the most bastardized of all the cocktails I encounter. It has a positive reputation, and that may be why so many restaurants like to have it on their menu. But there are so many bad variations... Fortunately the current craft cocktail movement is helping to counteract some of the bad mixology out there. At least the craft cocktail movement will help a few folks perform better Google searches and find the "real" recipes for classic drinks.

But I am also reminded (thanks to my ever-expanding collection of rums) that good cocktails are costly to make. So bad cocktails with a good name can be very profitable for a restaurant or bar owner.

For those of us in Canada who enjoy a quality cocktail it can be a costly habit. Our liquor is taxed to the extreme. I did notice a promotion for Appleton Rum at the local LCBO last week where they were recommending it for a base for making Mai Tai's. Fair enough but the recipe typically contained a few unnecessary extra ingredients. Anytime I have fooled myself into thinking I was in a bar that could actually make a Mai Tai here in Ontario, I have been sorely disappointed. I should keep trying I suppose.