Dear Water Dorman...

Apparently some TC Folk got a letter and/or a PM from Tiki Central member water01. (Membership now deleted...Water, we hardly knew yuh!) His tale is one many of us are familiar with, and I figgered it'd just be downright rude of me to let his plea fer help go unanswered. So here's Water Dorman's letter with my replies...

This letter may come to you as a suprise...

Not really. Yuh know what letter comes to me as a surprise? Q. I dunno why exactly...I mean, I know it's part of the alphabet and all, but when ever I'm singin that song I just never really expect Q. It's like "Surprise! I'm the weirdo letter yuh think shouldn't be here!"

...based on the fact that I have not had any previous contact with you.

Well that's a relief...I have grown a little tired of calls and letters from folks I have had "previous contact" with cuz they usually start with "My doctor down at the health clinic said I should tell you that..."

Briefly, I am Water Dorman the only son of late Chief Dorman Micheal former director of Sierre Leone Gold and Diamond Corporation...

Oh my God! Chief Micheal is dead? Oh, this is terrible news! I had no idea...How did it happen? Was it sudden? Am I in the will? How's Mrs Micheal holdin up? Is she in the will? If so, is she still hot?

...who was murdered by assailants believed to be working for his political enemies.

Oh, sorry, guess I shoulda read ahead a bit before blastin yuh with questions!

Shortly before this unfortunate incident, my father had informed me about an important business deal he had executed...

Great dark sense of humor! Executed! Yer sick! I love it!

...with some of his colleagues in the office.

Hey, speakin of which, have yuh seen that TV show The Office? I liked the original BBC version, the American one is OK, but it's no Scrubs...Which is a pretty good show fer bein on a major network...Oh, sorry. Yer dead dad and all that. Continue.

He told me that he had diverted some money totaling fifteen million US dollars (US$15M)...

Is (US$15M) some sorta emoticon? If it is, I ain't gettin it...A hippo on a bicycle, maybe? Whatever the hell that would mean.

...which they had realized from the sale of gold and diamonds in the black market.

When are yuh your gonna mention Tiki mugs or somethin like that?

He showed me some lodgement documents with which he had deposited the money encased in a trunk box with a security /safe deposit company here in Abidjan, Cote d Ivoire.

Abidjan, Cote d Ivoire It is so obvious yer makin this up! Are there even any Tiki mugs at all?

He informed me in confidence that security company did not know the exact contents of the box ; rather, he told them that it contained FAMILY VALUABLE that he had assembled for his overseas partner who would soon be coming to claim them for exportation.

Crafty! That wouldn't arouse suspicion at all!

As a result of this explanation, the box was accepted for safe-keeping by the security company without inspection.

Sounds like a cracker jack security company there! Is the head of the company's name Larry or Moe or Curly?

When the political situation in Freetown, Sierre Leone worsened, I escaped into Abidjan, Cote d Ivoire...

Just over the rainbow near Candyland, and overlookin the Peppermint Bay, right?

...and had since contacted the security company, identified myself properly and informed them about the sad fate my father had suffered.

If it was his fate can we really say it was "sad"? I mean, if it's a "fate" it's inevitable, isn't it? We might not like the aspects of said fate, but there it is. Consider the May Fly which lives fer only...Ah never mind.

I presented the lodgement documents and they confirmed that they have the trunk box in their vault.

"Oh yeah, sure, we got that thing right here. Very safe. Of course we have no electricity, half the town is dead while the the other half is busy killing each other...Oh, and if you drink the water it means you die in a week, but if you do not drink the water you die in 6 days, that is of course if someone does not kill you first. But yes, your family trunk is safe."

So I informed them that I intend initiating contacts with my fathers overseas partner who owns the consignment so that he can come and take delivery of it.

Oh, so yer dad did tell yuh about his "partner"? That's good. I know it probably came as a shock to you, but I can ensure you that it wasn't just about the physical relationship, they were very much in love.

My decision to retrive this box, transfer the money and start a new life forms the basis of this enquiry from you.

So this really has nothin' to do with Tiki mugs.

Now my 16-year-old sister and myself are alone in this strange country...

Yer right there! It is a strange country! Man, yuh shoulda been born in America! This place is awesome!

...suffering without any care or help.

No care or help? Are there no prisons? Are there no poorhouses? (Don't yuh just love Dickens!)

...without any relation, we are now like refugees and orphans.

"Like"? I'd say yuh are refugees and orphans!

Our only hope now is in this fund our father deposited in the Security company...

Yeah, well...I'd say that's thin hope. Yer dad doesn't seem like such a stand up guy. What with the black market dealins and schemins it seems there's a pretty dang good chance he was also a big fat liar.

...to this effect, I humbly solicit your assistance in the followings ways,to assist me claim this fund from the Security Company as co-beneficiary, to retrieve this money from the Security Company in your name and trasfer it to your country, to make a good arrangement for a joint business investment on our behalf in your country and you as the caretaker,to secure a college for my little sister and my self in your country to further our education and to make arrangement for our travel with you to your country after you have transferred this fund.

Huh? Wha-? Hidden treasure and political intrigue and yuh don't even want to enlist my world renowned skills of disguise, security systems, small explosives, or vaudvillian song and dance. Sounds like a real yawn fest! What the hell's in this fer me???

If you can assist me on these points above, I shall give you 10% of the total money while setting aside 5% for all incidental expenses that may arise in the course of actualising the transaction (such expenses as phone calls fax messages air tickets etc.)

Oooh wow! 10%! I feel faint! So generous...10%!!! And no mention of the film rights and subsequent licensin deals. No wonder yer in the situation yer in.

Please I need to inform you that this matter is strictly confidential. I want you to treat it as such.

Oops...Once again, guess I shoulda read ahead!

Best regards, Water & Sister

Yer folks named you Water and yer sister Sister? Man, really, yuh shoulda been born in America.

LOL! I was amazed to get one of these African Millionaire letters as a PM here! I get them fairly often in my regular email and have been for years. The details change, but the idea is basically the same. Does anyone actually ever fall for this nonsense?

Water said GROG's 10% should get here in about a month after all the paperwork has been finished.

I found this site to be funny and helpful all at the same time: http://www.419eater.com/

They have a game where you scam the scammers. Lots of stories and tips. I have never had enough free time to play, but have been tempted.... Because I am a good christian lady and should help them. Right?!?

But if any of you score a cashiers check like folks on that site sometimes do, I would love to hear the details.

Woof, that was great!!!

Fantastic, Woofmutt! A wiity and wonderful disection of a scam that spams us all. Bravo.

-Weird Unc

What the.....?!!!

What do you mean scam?

The PM'd Scam thread posted in General Tiki reminded me of long gone TCer Water Dorman. So: BUMP

You have such a way with words Mutt!!! Your gonna go far!!! Where....we don't know...but it will really be far. :)

Haha! I posted my pm to this TC PM scam thread...