Post #200629 by Sabu The Coconut Boy on Tue, Nov 29, 2005 3:10 PM

Celebrated infant photographer, (correct technical term: "Moppetography"), Anne Geddes has just opened her flagship store at Downtown Disney in Anaheim. I advised her over and over again not to open this store, but she just wouldn't listen to me. Since most of you only get to Disneyland every so often, I thought I'd help you out by giving you a tour of this little shop of horrors.

:up: Shopping at this store requires running a gauntlet of bone-chilling cuteness, the likes of which I've never encountered before, except that time when I was hallucinating during my bout with tropical Dengue-Fever.

:down: To enter the store you must walk quickly and quietly between these two plate-glass display windows filled with freakishly small newborn babies dressed as bears, rabbits, and bees in some sort of giant "incubator"



:up: Whatever you do, DO NOT tap on the glass. When awoken, these small creatures will hurl themselves at the glass windows, snarling and salivating, until they have knocked themselves unconscious again. It is an experience I would pray you avoid.

Throughout the store there are more of these Africanized Killer Babies, just waiting for an unwary shopper to pick them up and say "Ohhhh! How Cute!". Please avoid doing this. These are not pets. They are wild animals and they bite.:down:

:down: The motto of this store is: "Protect. Nurture. Love"

:up: Q: If that is the motto, then why are these tiny infants left abandoned at random throughout the store, with only their animal-suits to protect them from the frigid air-conditioning?

A: That is a very good question... Oh look - Watches! :down:

We also have a wide selection of books and totes :down:

:down: I see you eyeing the exit. What, are you a wimp!? If I can take this, then so can you.

Here are some actual suits that you can buy for your infant. You can also buy tiny plastic infants as pets for your infant. In California there will soon be a ballot initiative requiring that every infant born in the state have its own pet infant to keep it company while its parents are out working. The petitions for this ballot measure are on orchid-pink paper. It is very attractive paper.:down:



:up: Q: This last infant looks kind of...um, dead.

A: Yes I know. There has always been a fine line between cuteness and horror.

Q: How fine is the line in this case?

A: Mice use it to floss the teeth of smaller, baby mice.

:up: Here is a book about Celine Dion. From what people have told me, Celine Dion is a singer from Canada who was the first woman ever to give birth to an actual baby. To celebrate this unique achievement, Anne Geddes devoted an entire book to her motherhood. This book is "magnificent" according to one of the salespeople. I did not want to disagree with the child-bearing achievements of Celine Dion, so I just nodded enthusiastically.

:up: Here is another book showing some babies being suspended in what might be pantyhose or alien "specimen" nets. The title of this book is "Protect. Nurture. Love. Trade. Collect The Whole Set."

:up: Q: Why are all these babies displayed in eggs? Do babies actually come from eggs?

A: Not really. Anne Geddes just believed that blood-red, placenta-shaped velvet bags would be too tasteless for the general population.

Q: Oh. I see.

A: ..the placenta-shaped bags will be released next year once the general population has gotten acclimated to the small plastic, newborn babies. It is a gradual process.

:up: I really like the message conveyed by the logo on this baseball cap. It says, "If you hit that baseball at me, I will curl up into a small, fetal position."

Q: Can I leave now?

A: I suppose so. Just don't tap the glass on the way out.

Sabu