Post #200671 by badmojo on Tue, Nov 29, 2005 6:09 PM

That's funny, heres:
60 Little Know Facts About Chuck Norris.

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

16. He'll eat a homeless person if you dare him.

17. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

18. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

19. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

20. Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse.

21. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

22. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't ........ with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

23. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

24. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

25. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

27. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

28. Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people dead.

29. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

30. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

31. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

32. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist

33. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the sh*t out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

34. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

35. Chuck Norris invented margarine by singlehandedly spitting and ejaculating at the same time. Popular imitations are secretly known as "I Can't Beleive It's Not Chuck Norris".

36. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

37. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

38. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

39. Chuck Norris doesn't have a Chin under his beard, only another fist

40. When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

41. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

42. Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.

43. Chuck Norris pulls off the toenails on both of his big toes and chews on them every day. He does so to keeps his teeth strong.

44. In "To Kill A Mockingbird", on page 163, Dill says that a man orders babies from a foggy island. Chuck Norris creates these babies. He later on invented sperm and eggs as a way to express-deliver said babies.

45. Chuck Norris put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop, but he did not put the ram in the ra-ma-lama-ding-dong.

46. During the time of Chuck Norris B.B. (Before Beard), Bruce Lee was Chuck Norris' sensei. One morning Chuck Norris woke up having grown a full beard during the night. He then killed Bruce Lee.

47. When Chuck Norris gives a thumbs up, it means that his penis is now erect.

48. Chuck Norris can see in 564657578123 dimensions but only three colors.

49. Every time someone masturbates to furry porn Chuck Norris creates a catgirl just so he can kill it. Take that furries.

50. Chuck Norris invented the Penguin

51. Chuck Norris passed the bar exam but decided not to become a lawyer. His reasoning was that the only law people followed rested within his right boot.

52. The band Led Zeppelin got the idea for the song "Stairway to Heaven" one day at a visit to Chuck Norris' house. In a game of Truth or Dare, Jimmy Page dared Chuck Norris to sing "Dazed and Confused" while gargling water. The rest is history.

53. Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.

54. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

55. Unlike most other humans, Chuck Norris can actually travel through the Internet, exit at your PC, and kick your ass if he wants to.

56. Chuck Norris can stop time for up to two hours by thinking about pineapples

57. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.

58. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.

59. In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris.

60. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.