Post #264064 by pappythesailor on Thu, Nov 2, 2006 12:54 PM

In this edition of bar tending for dummies, an exclusive. I reveal why mixed drinks suck at nearly every bar in America.

WEEK 6: This week started out like every week; a test followed by a review of our drinks (or as I like to call them: the F*&^@#~ Fifty). We got the welcome news that next class would be the LAST written test on these drinks. So I finally asked a question in this class, namely: "Aren't we going to learn amounts of ingredients?" You see, all we've learned is ingredients, glasses and garnish. I was flabbergasted to realize that we were NEVER going to learn amounts (you know: 1/2 ounce of this, 3/4 ounce of that) for these drinks.

Now here's where it gets weird: The professor didn't really understand my question. He said that the amounts of alcohol we'd put in each drink would vary and our future employers would let us know how much of anything to put in. But I asked again, What about drinks that had more than one liquor? What about drinks that had more than one mixer? Then my neighbor (a lad of about 21) turns to me like I'm the slow kid and tells me how these recipes vary from place to place and book to book. And some of the ladies in class turn and give me kind looks like I'm about to be held back. And I say again (now feeling like I'm in the Twilight Zone) "But these drinks have recipes! You wouldn't make cookies like this--why would you make drinks like this?!" Blank stares.

And I start thinking: Maybe I really DON'T get it.

So the class goes on and and it's time to actually watch prof. make simulated drinks with water and ice. He starts to show us how if you fill a ten ounce highball glass with ice, you're left with about 5 ounces of room for liquid. And proceeds to show us an impressive display of accurate free pouring proving to me how he could get exactly three ounces of liquid in the glass. He proves this by explaining how he could strain it into a 3-ounce up glass and fill it to the rim. Then teacher turns to me and asks me if I get it now? (get it? Get what?

And THEN I get it. Unfortunately, I get it all. And you guys & gals who've worked in bars before already know this.

It's not about following a recipe; IT'S ABOUT FILLING THE GLASS! It's about inventory control! It's about knowing exactly how much liquor you served somebody because you put the same amount of liquor in every drink! Oh, man--That's why distilled liquors are ALL slowly going to 80 proof.

I haven't learned much in the last six weeks but I think I have heard (too) many scary truths. So, in no particular order, here's why mixed drinks suck at almost every bar:

1. Bartender may only has 3 sizes of glass and he's been told to fill the glass.
   a) There is no concept of small, medium or large drinks.
2. Bartender begins ANY mixed drink by filling a highball glass with ice.
3. Bartender may be crummy.
   a) he has taken my class and believes ingredients matter (or not) but proportions DON'T(!)
   b) he is no good at free pouring
4. The bar may have set a limit on how much liquor goes into each drink.
   a) there is no concept of strong, medium or weak drinks
   b) you are in a county that FORBIDS pouring alcohol and you are given a two ounce nip to add to your mixed drink --not matter what the drink
   c) The measured pourer/liquor gun is not working/is not calibrated right.
5. Lemon juice and lime juice are not found in most bars; sour mix is used instead of both.
6. Bars will fill the bottles of their bottom-shelf liquors with even crummier liquor as long as they can get away with it.
7. Not all bars are going to have ingredients most of us take for granted (ie. bitters, orgeat syrup, dark rum, various liqueurs) and will substitute whatever they have on hand without mentioning it.
8. (This is actually my own theory) People have grown up and never been served a nice, well-balanced drink and don't know any better so why should the bartender worry?

Anyway, six weeks in, two to go and no, we haven't made a drink in this class yet....