Post #272586 by squid on Thu, Dec 14, 2006 5:08 PM

Howdy again. Calamar here.

Well, Grog is working hard for "THE MAN" today and asked that I try to get a handle on this totally out of control f*&^%@#d up thread.

Silly caveman! I'm taking over!

First we need better promotion than the piss-poor inter-nets postings he's been doing. Let's do this professionally for a change shall we? First we need a really cooooool logo. Something with "bling". Zazzy yet unpretentious:

See how easy that was?
OK, we have our rad logo now. What do do with it.....hmmmmmm....How about billboards! They're cheap to do AND tasteful! Lots of people will see billboards. Then they'll drive right to the show. This is so easy!

What about pedestrians? How will they find out about our boss art show thingy? You got it! MOBILE billboards. A whole fleet of 'em. I whipped up this prototype in about 2 hours. Kinny and Kirby are such good lads (Hey, they're not even in show!) that they're hard at work as we speak knocking out 30 or so in their barn.

Was that so freakin' hard?! I don't think so!!! You'd think Grog could help out but, nooooOOOooo. He's a capital "A" Animator and can't be bothered with it, now can he? But I digress...

You're also going to need aerial advertising for maximum exposure at the beach and all those other hard to reach spots. I got a great deal on leasing this space and I get a free ride if I sign a 12 month contract!!!. Now that's good marketing strategery!

See, it was really easy and I got a lot of bang for my buck. Get it? HA!
Which reminds me: That's another thing that's missing from this whole thing...HUMOR. DAMMIT I WANT MORE HUMOR!!! PEOPLE LIKE HUMOR. TAKE A MEMO!!!!

Anyway, as long as you've got the buzz going (paltry as it is) on the inter-nets, why not lure them in with an awesome, zany slide show of the last Tonga Hut art thingy deal? HUH? Check it!

Buyers line up anxiously awaiting the arrival of Tiki Tony and his new mugs. FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!

More buyers in absolute awe of the grand selection of visual delights. OOOOOOOOH! Squint real hard and you can make out Johnny the Pinstriper chatting up the ladies.

Our buddy Grog was waaaay busy dealing with the hysteria of crazy money flying about for his specialty wares!!! Things got kinda HAIRY! HA!

Little Lost Tiki has always been known for his vibrantly colored fantasy extravaganzas. This time was no exception!

WHOAAAAH! Customers go mad as Tyger Jymmy, Squid and Kirby announce a 50% off sale after their 4th Tonga Punch.

Well....who do we have here? Yup, our very Atomikitty before her Coconut Monkey phase. Frankly I like her earlier work better. It was all... KITTIES!!!

Last but not least we see DJ Lee spinnin' hard (look really close, way back there) with his pal Crazy Al hammin' it up on the coconuts! I got a great deal on a rusty tap and die set from those guys. I think they're just swell.

Dang, that was easy-peasy!!! What's all the fuss? Sheeeesh. C'mon Groggie. Git wit da program!

Now lets tie this whole thing together, shall we?

Lastly, in your media blitz you need to give the customer an incentive. It's a small price to pay to give them a discount or a freebie in order to entice them into buying crap and drinking themselves into oblivion.

Atomikitty's already on the case with her Coconut Monkey Redemption Scheme..er...um...Program. Bring a monkey, get 20 bucks off a print. Simple enough. Atomikitty's scheme will net her huge volume sales which will counteract any "discount" she may have given. AND she bolsters her monkey collection to boot! WOW! Think she's smart?

Nuh-uh....

She missed out on the obvious cash cow. Studies show that in the frenzied search for a proverbial "bargain", most customers will actually pay MORE for the monkey than the 20 dollar redemption value. Which brings us to Crazy Squid's Discount Coconut Monkey Sales Tent in front of the Tonga Hut before the show. Only $30 bucks a pop. But I digress yet again.

Further flaunting our Madison Ave savvy, we shall offer the ultimate consumer incentive. THE COUPON. The coupon accomplishes the same objective as other incentives with the added bonus of having the ability to see just how many consumers you've reached!

Ladies and Gentlemen....the coupon. Use it wisely.

This completes our marketing package. See you at the show and please, no wagering.