Post #277047 by ikitnrev on Fri, Jan 5, 2007 10:55 PM

Someone should write the 'Un-Tiki Roadtrip' book, which would give the location and review of every lame-ass tiki-wannabee, tiki bar in the entire country.

If you owned a tiki establishment that served a mai-tai that was either bright red in color, or looked and tasted as if it were a marketing promotion device from the Kool-Aid company, then your place would be listed in the book. If your tiki establishment were inspired by the garish colors found in your typical Party Store chain establishment, then you would end up in the book. If your place never booked an authentic sounding Hawaiian band or a Hula dance troupe, but instead every weekend hired bands and DJs that would play only Top-40, wedding reception mainstream type music, then you would be listed in this book. If you owned a tiki bar that sold ten times as many Budweisers than mai-tais, and the total length of neon tubes in your beer promotion signs was ten times more than the total length of the bamboo reeds used as decor, then you would be listed in this book.

And since this is the modern age, each copy of the 'Un-Tiki Roadtrip' could come with a garish tiki bumper sticker, which would have a small electronic chip embedded within, which would regualrly emit an electronic signal. The un-tiki people would place these on their cars. Each Tiki Central member would have an antidote electronic device, which we would keep in our own cars, which would give loud yelps if it were ever to enter a parking lot where three or more of the Un-tiki vehicles with bumper stickers were located. Then us true-tiki types could drive by an unexpected tiki place, be seduced by the flashing tiki sign outside begging us to stop, but be warned off by the yelping that this was likely a poor place to visit.

If there is a downfall to the above plan, it is how to counteract against the massive confluence of thousands of cars parked within a Jimmy Buffet concert parking lot. Such a massive conglomeration of electronic chips may overload the entire country's electrical grid, if not cause the earth to be knocked off its axis of magnetic rotation and planetary revolution.

Well, the above scenario may really be too advanced for today's technology. But the purpose of this message is to show an alternative, and help us appreciate the current and soon to be updated Tiki Road Trip books. Simply keep a copy within your car, or use it as a reference before you travel, and you will soon find your way to the best tiki locations within the country and world, and thus enhance your overall sense of true tiki awareness and tiki enjoyment.

Vern