Post #474221 by woofmutt on Mon, Aug 3, 2009 8:02 PM

Palapala made a similar post in the Bilge thread Has today's TC crowd lost it's original warmth? earlier today over in Bilge?

Palapala's post in that thread:

*"I feel that some folks in the Seattle area TC group are elitist and exlusionary.
they knowingly turn their backs on you.
You know who you are...
I'm a sensitive soul, and it makes me feel brused and sad every time it happens.
I guess I just don't understand how anyone can be so clique-ish and knowingly separate... It's like the "cool kids club" in school all over again.

What the hell happened to the sprit of ALOHA????

Life is too damn short to treat people badly...

I'm now feeling nervous about the upcomming Tikikon on Portland, because I'm not really known by many folks.. It can be hard to make connections in a new social environment.
Please, someone out there give me a reason to feel better about this!"*

And here's my reply to that post:

*In any group of people who a common interest as a "bond" there's going to be lots of variances in likes and friendliness. This is true whether it's Tiki, dogs, old cars, or religion. (Big churches are well known for having cliques and attitudes and those are people who claim to share a common faith that makes them better people.)

Do you really think that all the people at a cat show are great friends or even friendly towards each other just because they happen to like cats?

Just because someone is into Tiki and you're into Tiki doesn't mean they're going to be into you. You can't take it personally.

There have always been people on Tiki Central who, judging from their posts, I have never been interested in getting to know. And at Rockabilly shows and some Tiki events it's been fairly clear to me that there are others who have no interest in talking to me. How do I know? The classic "Excuse me..." and they walk off 3 feet to either stand and stare into space or talk to someone who they obviously consider to be much cooler than me.

I could take it personally but I'd really rather people were bluntly honest than pretend to be friendly while quietly thinking I'm a dork and wishing there was someone cooler to talk to. (Or pretending to be happy to see me after they'd previously given me the brush off.)

You pretty much can't change people's preferences about you. You can only decide to not act like them.

When I show up at an event and see the people who made it clear they had no interest in me I just look right past them and have a good time anyway.

Focus your time and energy on your actual friends and loved ones and not on people you assumed would be lovely and friendly but who proved themselves otherwise.*

For this new thread Palapala added some new content and I wanna address that as well...Plus bonus comments on the original post. Enjoy!

"We call ourselves Ohana on Tiki Central..."

Wrong. Some people on Tiki Central choose to refer to themselves or their concept of Tiki Central as "ohana." I personally can't stand the term. It implies a touchy feelyness I ain't particularly ever noticed as much of a constant around here.

"To paraphrase"Stitch" in Lilo and Stitch;
Ohana is Family. Family means no one is left behind."

Which is a nice sentiment, yes. But it came from a fantasy cartoon.

"Some of the People in the Northwest behave in an elitist and exclusionary way.
They knowingly freeze out some other TC'ers.
You know who you are."

Maybe they actually don't "know" any of this. Maybe they're jerks. Or maybe they're just not that into you. What's wrong with that? We live in a more or less free-to-be-you-and-me world. If everyone were required to get together with people they didn't care for the porn industry would go bust.

*"Other folks who hang out with them may not feel the same way, but perhaps are afraid to be frozen out themselves,and let it happen.
You know who you are too.

I'm a sensitive soul, and it makes me sad and bruised every time."*

Again, maybe they don't know. You're working from an assumption that there is a lot of thought and calculation behind people's behavior. Most people put about as much thought into their actions as a crow does into pooping on your windshield.

But maybe they do "know." I know I happen to hang out and think very highly of more than a few people who others might consider to be absolute jerks. Do I do this because I'm "afraid to be frozen out"? Puh-leeze. Who my friends and acquaintances happen to dislike is entirely up to them and has nothin' to do with me. (Unless they're actual bigots. Then screw 'em.) Similarly the fact that family or other friends dislike some of my friends means absolutely nothin' to me.

For you to paint everyone at a table you didn't get invited to with such a broad brush really doesn't display any of the sensitivity you claim to be so full of. And frankly I find it genuinely offensive as you have no friggin' idea what people may have said about you. Such as me telling others that I think you're a nice person, you're just a little intense.

"I'm not aking anyone to choose sides, or defend themselves."

That's nice of you, but unless someone did something to intentionally hurt your feelings or smear your name then no one did anything wrong. There's no need for apologies, no need for explanations.

Oh, unless you might have made an innuendo that anyone who is friends with someone who isn't friends with you was somehow responsible for the behavior of the others. Then you might want to apologize. I'm just saying.

"I want to be a friend to anyone who shares my love of poly pop and good times together.
Are'nt we all "Nerds of a feather"?"

If you think a love of polypop means we're all part of some unified front then you seriously have paid little attention to Tiki Central.

There are regular lively debates about Tiki which feature widely varying opinions. And Tiki Central's past is heavily studded with numerous temper-tantrumesque grandiose exits from people who just couldn't take the environment anymore.

And guess what all the "So long Tiki-suckers!" types biggest complaint has always been? They don't want to have to be nice to people they don't like.

That said, the reason I keep coming back is because Tiki Central has the funniest, swellest collection of people on the internet. And it's still a fairly well behaved civil place. I don't know how we continue to be so gawdam fabulous, we just are.(Still, I wouldn't want to sleep in the same room with a lot of these people. And the ones I do all have restraining orders against me.)

"What ever happened to the spirit of ALOHA???"

I'm sure it's out there somewhere, but it's not "The guarantee of Aloha."

*"I'm now feeling shakey about the upcomming Portland TikiKon speakeasy event.
I'm fairly new to TC, and it can be hard to break into a new social situation

Please , someone out there, give me a reason to feel better about this, and renew my faith in Ohanakind!"*

You're responsible for your own happiness. You can go to an event and enjoy it for what it definitely is (good drinks, cool clothes, nice music) or you can feel like an outsider and imagine you're a victim of some clique that probably isn't even giving you a passing thought.

"(BTW, I'm thinking about having an "uncool kids" table...)"

And where would the supposed "spirit of Aloha" and sense of "ohana" be in all that? How about just being open and friendly (which you are) and just ignore those that don't feel the same towards you?

Being a better person is the best revenge.