Adventures of the Coco-Not
I loathe coconut.
Really.
Within the entire sphere of tropical drink ingredients, I cannot think of one flavor that I would less rather indulge in. Off hand, it's the only aspect of the tropical drink canon that I don't like at all, actually. I adore pineapple, limes work well for me, and rum... yeah... rum.... mmmm.
But get those coconuts the hell away from me, you damned dirty ape.
Coconuts are good for two things: bras, and medieval horse galloping sound effects. That's about it.
But, in my quest to complete the entire Grog Log and Intoxica canon at home, I knew that sooner or later, I'd have to face the music and invest in a can of Coco Lopez Coconut Cream. I've had these books since the early-mid 2000s, and my remaining list of unmixed drink options is getting short. It was time to meet Mr. Lopez. I spotted some in the store recently, and did the unthinkable: I bought it. After spending about three months staring at it, working up the nerve to dive in and start exploring all of the Berry-approved drinks that called for this stuff, I chose a free weekend, invited Gal Friday Night 'round my swanky pad, and started making coconutty drinks. Swearing to myself that I'd keep an open mind, I made every drink with every bit of the care and quality that I could muster. Otherwise, what would be the point? There will be no half-cocked coconut drinks in my cocktail kitchen, ever.
So:
COCONAUT (Re-Entry version)
What better way to start than with a drink served in a vintage Orchids of Hawaii R- bowl, with a flaming lime rind in the middle? And anyway, the name is a perfect description of this adventurer: I am the "coco-not".
This drink is meant to be huge, so I cut the recipe in half, and went for it. I didn't have the exact rum specified, so I went Pampero Anniversario, just because I like it, and it is close enough for rock and roll to a Jamaican style. Basically.
We blended this sucker until it had a nice thick slushy consistency to it. Tasting, it, I was assaulted by the unholy coconut flavor, but I resigned myself to appreciating this drink on its own merits.
The honest truth is, that this drink is fairly simple, and probably needs another layer. Coconut, lime, and rum - a good start, but I'm looking for some zing. It needs one more ingredient, something interesting to add complexity. The rum choice is nearly irrelevant here, because it is buried under slushy nuttiness: just use a good one. The Pampero was just fine.
AURORA BORA BOREALIS
Went with the Pampero again. I am actually not a huge fan of blending rums. Even if a recipe calls for it, I can usually find a single rum that splits the difference. Don't get me wrong, I will do two or more rums on occasion when I think it is justified, but often I find that one nice, higher-end rum has all the complexity needed, and the blend becomes redundant.
So, this drink suffers from proportion issues. It should be fine with Lopez, lime, orange juice, Orgeat, and rum(s), but the flavors just sort of muddle together, and the drink doesn't seem to have an identity. It's sort of brown - not in color necessarily, but in flavor.
PAINKILLER
Ah, here is tonight's home run.
I might have added an extra shake of cinnamon to the top, but that just enhanced the nose. Right?
Pineapple juice, deep dark rum, Lopez, and orange juice, with the almighty shakes of cinnamon and nutmeg on top. And then further shakes in the morning from the DTs, when you're craving another of these sunsabiches.
Berry suggests blending this one iceless, and then pouring it over ice. I'm thinking that it might be better shaken with the crushed ice and poured into the glass, then add garnish (including cinnamon and nutmeg shakes).
It tasted a little too lukewarm when first served at room temperature.
COCONUT WILLIE
Before I even made this drink, as I was reading the recipe, I knew it would suck. I thought to myself: "Oh Jeff, my dear, friend, how could you besmirch your own reputation by including this profanity in your holy tome"?
But I knew the answer.
On a mission to compile a complete repository of as many classic-era recipes as possible, to preserve them for posterity, and to build a portfolio of the Tropical Drink as it was made in our grandparent's era, a few questionable recipes are going to have crept in, but they must - must, I say - be included for the sake of completeness. Consider my own tome, Tiki Road Trip. There are a few truly crappy bars in that book. But the aim of the book was to be as comprehensive as I could make it. That means including the bad right along with the good. For every Mai Kai out there, there are ten Florida-style parrot shacks lurking in landlocked Missouri malls. But if they nailed a tiki to the wall, then I listed them. It was my duty.
And thus, the Coconut Willie is the equivalent. Don't get me wrong; I love gin. Dear sweet Mohammed, do I ever love gin. But this combo - gin, Lopez, and Cointreau - well, to say it doesn't work is a crass understatement. This was the only truly undrinkable brew in the bunch. Can I say that it gave me the Willies? I duped some citrus into it. I dumped some cherry brandy into it. I tried some biters... and then it just got ridiculous. Adding good stuff on top of a crap drink is almost never going to save it.
Time for bed.
Figured I'd reconvene the next night, and then I discovered two things:
First, I had more Lopez left over than I thought (that can didn't look that big...), and The Bum had more recipes left over than I thought.
And this Lopez business -- what's the deal, man?
Let's face it: whether you like coconut or not, this stuff is full of preservatives and other questionable nonsense. Maybe using some sort of fresh coconut milk and adding simple syrup and/or some additional cream might be a better choice, kind of like making your own sweet-and-sour out or lemon juice and simple syrup. I don't know, someone who is a coconut lover might want to figure this out.
So, with plenty of Lopez and a whopping eight more recipes left to go, I thought: damn...I have to make more drinks.
That always sucks, you know.
And this time, I'd be on my own: Gal Friday Night couldn't handle the Lopez drinks any more. That meant I'd be drinking twice as much, since I wouldn't be sharing the drinks.
Or, I could make half-recipes.
Oh, wait, isn't that illegal?
TOWER ISLE
This one is actually well balanced and makes a good dessert drink.
I'd use a more complex and interesting rum than the specified light Puerto Rican, and I'd also use a better quality chocolate liqueur than just Creme de Cacao. Why not bust out the Zacapa and Godiva?
The balance is good; but the rum content could even be upped to a full ounce in my estimation.
COCONUT KALLALOO
This drink uses the exact same ingredients as Coconaut, but with different proportions, and a different suggested rum. I switched to St. James Extra Old (again, not the exact specified rum, but as close as I had). This one is better balanced than Coconaut. More refreshing. The lime is more present, the coconut is less overwhelming, and the rum is allowed to shine a little more. Use your better rum on this one, and your lesser rum on the Coconaut.
CHIEF'S CALABASH
Ok, the ingredients here are: sweet, sweet, and sweet. This drink was (are you sitting down) way too sweet. Used a balance of half simple syrup and half fresh lemon as my sour mix, and used Landy VS cognac instead of Okolehao. Oh, how I long for some Okolehao. Since Berry recommends substituting brandy for the unavailable Okolehao, I considered using Pisco (which is, after all, a brandy made with white grapes). But when most people specify simply "brandy" in a recipe, it's the French-style (i.e cognac) they are thinking of. Landy is the basic mixing (non-sipping) cognac that I happened to have handy. But even with pisco - or Okolehao - this drink is still going to just be all about the sugar.
MAUNA KEA MIST
Had to cheat on this one, because I didn't have any half and half, or cream.
Used the same lemon-simple combo for my sweet-and-sour, and used Cruzan silver as my light Puerto Rican (as I did with Tower Isle). Figured I couldn't taste the difference at this point anyway. Even without the thick and dense texture that the cream would have added, this one is pretty good. It's also pretty sweet, but the pineapple and Gran Marnier play well together, and the coconut adds a third dimension. I like Gran Marnier much better than Cointreau; it has more orange flavor and a bitter note from the peel that I like. Cointreau can be too sickly-sweet and tastes more artificial to me. Making this drink again, I'd consider not using sweet-and-sour at all, and just using 1/2 oz. lemon juice (skip the simple syrup half). This drink is also especially light on the booze; I'd up the Marnier a little bit and double the rum content, and then see where we land. That's IF I was ever going to by more Lopez and try any of these drinks ever again...
Victory Lap
Had just enough Lopez left for one more drink.
I probably didn't need it.
Considered a second Painkiller, as it was the clear winner of the entire lot. Also considered trying my revision of Mauna Kea Mist.
Then I decided that I was kind of wasted, and really burned out on a flavor that I loathe to start with.
So I poured the last ounce or so of Coco Lopez down the sink and said goodbye to most of these drinks forever.
But wait...
There are still four more drinks that call for it!
Here’s my list of excuses -
FLAMING COFFEE GROG:
I don't ever drink coffee, so I didn’t have any handy.
Anyway, two things that I never touch (coffee and coconut) in the same drink, might be more than I could reasonably expected to maintain an open mind about. A man has limits.
COCO-BO
Uh, there's no booze in this one. Go away.
BANANA BOAT
Who the hell actually keeps a supply of banana liqueur in their bar?
MACADAMIA NUT CHI CHI / DTB CHI CHI
This was less about not having macadamia nut liqueur and more about the fact that I just don't do vodka.
