Post #576398 by tiki mick on Wed, Feb 16, 2011 11:16 AM

There was this guy, whose favorite food and drink had always been Chili and Beer. This was what he ate 3 times a day, prior to meeting the love of his life and getting married to her. The problem always was, that despite his cravings for chili and beer, he always had extreme gas followed by lots and lots of belching. We are talking an abnormal amount! The farts were really stinky, and the burps always also filled the room with the amusing aroma of the chili he had consumed. It was so bad that it affected his love life. He remained single for many years as a result. It wasn’t until he quit eating chili and drinking beer that his life started improving. He was able to get a job, work in an office around other people, and eventually met a beautiful girl and got married to her! Still, his life was somewhat sad because he missed his favorite food and drink, and always felt deprived.

Well, life goes on and year after year, he was real good about never giving into his secret desire (which he had never told any of his co-workers or his wife about). He never cheated or tried to satisfy his cravings…yet, he would often dream about chili and beer. The thought of it consumed him, and he was tormented by it.

On the day of his 40th birthday, he took stock in his life and realized the one thing missing was his favorite guilty pleasure. He couldn’t stand it anymore! On the way home, he stopped at a restaurant and finally gave in. He ate two huge bowls of chili and had 3 glasses of beer! Damn it tasted sooooo good! Even though he knew the side effects that surely must be coming, he savored every drop despite feeling somewhat guilty about the whole thing….

But a strange thing happened after he left the restaurant: He actually felt fine! A little twinge here and there, but not the stinky, recurring farting or nasty belching! Could it be that years of abstinence had finally cured him?

As he pulled into the driveway, his wife met him at the front door with a rather mischievous look on her face. Something was up!

“Honey”, she said, “this is your birthday and I wanted to surprise you! I want you to put this blindfold on and sit at the table, while I finished preparing dinner….but DON’T you dare take the blindfold off because I don’t want to ruin the big surprise!”

Happily, he agreed. She put the blindfold on and led him into the house and sat him at the table. “Now remember, no cheating! I am just going to finish up in the kitchen, so you just sit there quietly. Should be about 10 minutes or so, but I know you can sit there without cheating and removing the blindfold! Believe me, it will be worth the wait!”

He heard her leave the room. Problem was, he was now starting to feel the old situation coming back! The urge to fart and burp was coming fast, and coming STRONG! Feeling that he was safe, and that she could not hear or possibly smell, he let loose. Tentative at first, a little “ffflllloooottttt”…elegant, delicate and shy as a butterfly.....but then, “BBBRRRRAAAAAAATTTTTTT”….a horrible, loud fart! Instantly, the room filled up with the nastiest, meat-smelling odor he had ever emitted! It was truly profound…but wait! Hold the phones! “BBBBBRRRANNNNFFFFFF”!!!! EVEN BIGGER! Krakatoa!! This one was so powerful he could feel his asshole tingling. Surely he browned his shorts with that one! Caltech must have registered it! And horribly, amazingly, this one stunk even worse! A warm, humid odor redolent of parmasean cheese, diapers, the bottom of a dumpster on a hot July day, baby vomit!

Feeling safe and secure, he started farting rapid fire, one after another…and belching as well! Belches that were loud and wet sounding, smelling vaguely of tuna fish and Astroturf, mixed with Indian food…it was bloody fantastic! He was actually smiling and trying hard not to laugh!

Almost as fast as they came, they disappeared and he started feeling a tad better. The worst was over and none too soon! He could hear his wife “Almost ready, hon, hear I come!”

She entered the room and placed various dishes on the table. She removed his blindfold.

Seating around the table with him, faces reflecting horror and disbelief, were his Boss and 4 of his co-workers!!

[ Edited by: lucas vigor 2011-02-16 15:16 ]