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Post #628838 by woofmutt on Thu, Mar 15, 2012 12:13 PM

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Your dream vacation or relaxing weekend getaway will be anything but.

At best you'll discover that the incredible cabin your boss/buddy/cousin-in-law loaned you is in fact a derelict shack in a less than desirable location. Or the wonderful hotel you booked lost your reservation/looked better in the pamphlet/is also hosting a "How to Deal With Your Problem Monkey" workshop.

But if the cabin is awesome or the hotel is beautiful but oddly empty of other guests or your campsite is incredible then you really need to worry because your trip will be a horrific nightmare that will probably only be survived by one or two in your party.

The better looking your group is the more horrific the events will be. If there's one black guy in a group of white people he will end up dead first. If it's not the lone black guy it will be the person who has the most useful skills for the situation. (That person, of course, could be the lone black guy, but in general the lone black guy is on the trip just to be the first one dead.) Anyone who decides to take their chances and make a run for it will end up dead.

If you can get through to law enforcement (highly unlikely as there will be no cell service in the area or the lines will be down or the radio, which was working when you got there, won't be working for one reason or another) they won't believe you when you tell them of the hell going on all around you. But if they do believe you and they actually show up they will either end up dead as soon as they step out of the car or will be in cahoots with whoever or whatever is causing problems.

But don't get all relieved and relaxed if you're the lucky one or two who get home alive because the person/creature you're pretty danged sure you killed in a fantastic explosion which blew up the cabin/hotel/campsite (yet fortunately did not start a massive forest fire) will find your house. Or you will end up returning to that same cabin/hotel/campsite either out of sheer stupidity or because you're the only one who can help a group of people going through the hell you went through.

Most all of the above will apply to any cross country backpacking/hitchhiking/road trip you decide to undertake.

There is an exception to all of the above: If you didn't want to go on the trip in the first place you will probably have a life changing experience (for the better) or you will be the one who escapes the hell.

*But...*If you didn't want to go on the trip in the first place and everyone else in your party/on the cruise/at the resort is having a wonderful time then you will have a really horrible time and be the person who gets thrown by the horse that "anyone can ride" or wanders into the poison oak or is served a bowl of dog food instead of the stew everyone else got. But stick with it as you will learn a valuable life affirming lesson in the end.