Smart Ass hall of fame

in the career of every smart-ass there is a moment, when all the stars are aligned, and time stops. When they (you?) say something so funny, shocking or perfectly vulgar, that they/you deserved to be knighted.

Not just funny, but 9 car pile up hilarious.

What was one you witnessed or better yet, said, what was going on around it...and what happend?

This is a transcript from the tv show Newlywed Game, 1977

Bob Eubanks (Game show host): Here's the last of our five-point questions. Girls, tell me where, specifically, is the weeeeeiirdest place that you personally, girls, have ever gotten the urge to make whoopee. The weirdest place. Olga?

Olga: Umm . . . (audience laughter)

[pause]

Bob: Yes, Olga?

Olga: Uh . . .

Henry (husband): Go ahead.

Bob: Yes, Olga.

Olga: I'm trying to think. Umm . . . [Turns to husband.] Gee Henry, what did you say?

Bob: Hey, don't ask him. He can't help you out at all.

Olga: Is it in the ass? [Last three words bleeped]

Bob: No no no . . . no . . . what I'm talking about is the weirdest location, the weirdest place . . .

Olga: The weirdest location. I don't know.
[Audience laughs uproariously]

On 2004-09-20 09:44, Unga Bunga wrote:
This is a transcript from the tv show Newlywed Game, 1977

Bob Eubanks has been denying this one for years, but it really happened. Details (and video clips!) at:
http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/newlywed.htm

Ok, I'm not sure if this one counts.

Lansdowne Junior High, 15 years of age, that would be 1993.

Marcie, an evil bully type was on my case because I had removed a 'friend' of hers from her slave circle.

Walking down the hall with friends she passes me and gives out this GIANT "Moooooo" directly at me for the entire school to hear. I say in my loudest voice,

"I'm sorry Marcie, I don't speak your language."

It was great. I was 15. She never bothered anyone again.

My Army colonel father had a seizure and ended up in the emergency room when I was 18. After they were done with whatever they did to him and we were able to see him he said something to the effect of how that was one way to put some excitement into the evening. I replied, "Next time rent a movie," which no doubt shocked some folks, but cracked him up.

I worked for a guy straight out of "Office Space", coffee cup constanlty in hand, dragon breath and B.O. so bad it would curl your hair. One of my co-workers who happened to also be a night manager sidelined as a "entertainment" writer for a local paper, he did a story about a free concert at one of the "competition" stores. The owner/manager, "Rick the Dick" as he was known within the ranks, told him he could no longer write stories about this other store or he would have to resign. After some heated discussion of "freedom of speech" he was asked to hand over his keys and resign. The writer looked at all of us, beamed a giant grin and said, "You know what, f@#k you!" and dropped his keys in Rick's coffee cup. We all walked out with him. Beautiful moment!

A few months ago I was installing a new phone system and for some reason we could not get the clients phones to dial 800 numbers or Long Distance. A few hours into it, The President of the company came over to my boss, a few other of our employees and members of the phone company and started ranting about how he was losing money blah blah blah.

My boss said, "Hey, why don't you call the company that threw this all together."

The Client said"Don't worry, I'll be calling them next!"

I said, in my regular not too excited style, "Not if they're an 800 number"

Everybody there lost it, except for the client who didn't seem to realize what just happened.

Hey, it got me a raise.

This was one of those situations where nobody had to say a thing, it was just perfect all by itself.

There were about 10 of us all working in the same department, no one over 21. One of the gals had been quite wild and randy until a nice religious boy fell in love with her and proposed.

She then became very prissy and judgemental. One afternoon she was giving all the rest of us her usual high & mighty lecture regarding our immature and sinful behavior - all the while slowly backing up towards her chair.

As a grand finale, she told us how we were all going to hell while she lowered her butt down to the seat. But her aim was off and she sat right down on the narrow arm of the chair, goosing herself big time.

Not my story, but one of my favorite historical stories.

Winston Churchill had consumed several cocktails at some formal event, and an upset woman came up to him and said loudly ..... "Mr Churchill - You are drunk!"

Churchill looked back at her, and replied "Madam, you are ugly. Tomorrow I shall be sober."

I will likely remember one of my own replies later, but it won't compare to that one.

Vern

about 10 years ago I was returning home from a week at a cycle event called RAGBRAI. my buddy was driving then as we were entering the eastern slope of the sierras on I80...traffic slowed down to a crawl...everybody was getting madder and madder, and as we rounded one corner, we saw the problem.

Honest to god, several vehicles from a small Circus were driving in a row, and two had hit each other but they all stopped.

Nobody was hurt, there was radiator steam and people out all yelling at each other.

three of the guys yelling still had make-up on...most of it was wiped off, but you could see they were all part of the circus.

I couldn't resist screaming (although I was almost unable to say it I was laughing so hard... "Why don't you f---in' clowns learn to drive"

I know I will never be presented with such a spectacle to use that one.

Oh my, that was a funny day.

I used to date a guy who worked in the in-house IT department at a large software company. They were expected to work long hours and everything was an emergency.

During a staff meeting one day, it was announced that they would now have to be on call 24-7. My ex tossed his pager across the table and walked out, never to return.

Years ago I worked with an Irish guy, but, unlike the stereotype hot-head, this dude was actually one of the most collected and calm individuals under stress that I've ever met. He also is the author of the most appropriate sarcastic retorts I've ever heard.

As my buddy was paying for gas at a local station, some yahoo pulls up in a Toyota and ALMOST hits his cherished Volvo as he opens his car door. This draws a disapproving stare from my buddy, so the guy says, "You got a problem with something?" My friend responds, "Just idiots in cheap Japanese cars who bang their doors into my car!" Then this guy pushes out his chest and proclaims, "I'll have you know my company bought me this car!"
Without hesitating, dude throws back "Kinda tells ya what your company thinks about YOU, doesn't it?!!" Classic!

During a managers meeting at a job long ago, the company owner was reviewing new safety procedures. He asked the group how they would handle several emergency situations, each one being more far fetched than the last. What to do if a fire, tornado, armed robbery, etc. Finally, a co-worker burst out with, "If a Swarm of Locusts attacks the building..."

OK, so maybe it wasn't that funny, how about this:

Back in high school, on a spring break return bus trip, my best friend had gotten himself into a verbal sparring match with a rather loudmouthed girl that had been teasing him on and off the whole trip. My friend has always been the king of comebacks so I sat back and watched the scene unfold knowing he'd finally beat her at her own game. As the words and wit flew back and forth and the tension was building, the entire bus began listening in hushed awe.

She eventually said something about when the trip was all over, he'd be begging her for a date, and beg her to go to the prom...

he instantly shot back with, "I'd go to Lou's Pet shop for a date before I'd ask you!" and the entire bus erupted with cheers & laughter. She didn't bother him again.

The sad part is, if he had actually paid attention, he might have sensed the ever more heated sexual tension that was building and asked her out... But I guess when you're 17, you just don't get it.

-Z

[ Edited by: Feelin' Zombified on 2004-09-20 21:28 ]

I agree with ikitnrev, Winston Churchill had some really great quotes. This guy had a really sharp wit.

A heated conversation Between Churchill and a political opponent:

Madam: " You Sir are an ass. If I was married to you I would surely put poison in your tea".

Churchill: "Madam, if you were my wife, I would surely drink it".

[ Edited by: ZuluMagoo on 2004-09-20 23:37 ]

Imelda Marcos was visiting with her friend Jihan Sadat in Egypt.They were touring the tombs and they came across the tomb of Nefretiti.Imelda walked into the tomb,transfixed by the crumbling splendor.She then said to Jihan "I feel that I was Nefretiti in a past life!".Jihan said,"Oh,Imelda,I don't think so...".Imelda then whipped out her checkbook and wrote a check for $1,000,000.00 to help restore the tomb to its formal glory.Upon receiving the check,Jihan then said,"You know,Imelda,I believe you WERE Nefretiti!".Classic.

A friend of mine used to work at an ice cream stand. One day a lady orders a medium sized ice cream cone. He makes it and gives it to her and she complains that there's not enough ice cream on the cone. He told her that a medium cone should have 3.5 ounces of ice cream. So he gets out a scale and weighs it...but it comes to 4.5 ounces and not 3.5. So he knocks off some ice cream and gives it back to her.

[ Edited by: Juno on 2004-09-21 07:59 ]

Another one from the king of all comebacks… Winston Churchill.

One day he gets an invitation from an acquaintance who is producing a play. The invitation says something like, "Please be my guest and come see my new production...and please bring a friend (if you have one)."

Churchill’s reply went something like "Unfortunately I'm unable to attend but would like to come to another showing (if there is one).

[ Edited by: Juno on 2004-09-21 08:05 ]

These are really funny...(Churchill's too..he was a great man...good painter too)

I know some of you are holding out because you fear you won't be amuzing...

One such "not funny to anyone but me episode" happened when I was about 9. It was at an Angels game just after the national anthem..."and the home...of the...brave....I yelled "a bob clampett cartoooOOOOOnnnn!" like at the end of been and Cecil...which I assumed everybody in the stadium must watch.

Time stopped...except that I was doubled over with laughter at my clever /banal remark.

My Dad swatted me.

On 2004-09-20 17:40, ikitnrev wrote:
Churchill looked back at her, and replied "Madam, you are ugly. Tomorrow I shall be sober."

Love it!

We had some good ones back when I used to cater movies & videos.

On one shoot we were being ridden hard by the 2nd 2nd (that's the Second Second Assistant Director), he was ordering us around, having us tear down, move & reset-up and being a general pain. I asked who he thought he was to be ordering us around, he replied "I'm the 2nd 2nd!" And I came back with "So you're the Assistant to the Assistant to the Assistant?" He left us alone the rest of the day.

On another shoot one of my partners spotted one of the actors in the line & said "Hey, aren't you one of the talent?" The actor replied "I'm not 'talent,' I'm an Actor!" and my partner came back with "So, you're saying you have no talent?" That actor didn't speak up the rest of the shoot.

On one shoot we were having trouble with a particular grip, every meal we'd bring a gallon of milk for the crew, every meal he'd be first in line & grab the whole gallon for himself. He'd complain that we didn't give him enough meat (even though we served him more than anyone else, and seconds, too) and that we had too many salads & vegetables. One day he came up, looked at the two large steel bowls of salad we'd set up, said "this's Crap!" and knocked over one of the bowls, spilling the salad on the ground. This was too much for my partner, Scotty, who said "This's Crap, too!" and spilled the other bowl onto the ground, "All this is Crap!" and we spilled all the food onto the ground, danced over it singing "It's Crap! It's all Crap!" We packed up, handed them a bill for the day, & went home. That night we had a call from the production company and we told them what had happened. The next day we were back at work, the grip wasn't.