Just a cup of Joe please...

As much as I despise StarBucks, I'll have to admit that I do drink their coffee because I enjoy the intense caffeine buzz (I guess it's just a throwback to the days of sweeping rails off mirrors with a straw).

I do however refuse to incorporate into my vocabulary the lame-ass-pseudo-european-language-that-doesn't-exist verbage that people waiting in front of me and behind me use just to order a cup of coffee.

For instance, just this morning I pulled into the Starbucks parking lot at Atlanta Ave and Magnolia Ave. (Please note that I'm referring to the Starbuck's on the North-East corner and NOT the Starbucks on the South-East corner nor the Starbucks on the North-East corner.)

After finding a parking spot between the battery of SUV's with the pimp-daddy-ghetto-fabulous-28"-polished-magnesium-rims, I enter the coffee crack house and wait my turn.

The person in front of me, best described as a 40 year-old reality show mother having a problem with advancing age, due to her hip huggers, tattoo above her quickly sinking butt crack, and of course, trucker hat, orders a grande, quad, ristretto, nonfat, dry cappuccino, affogato style.

After spewing her cacophony of caca, she sort of stands up straight, pulling her shoulders back, head held high, and smiles to herself at the delight of her obvious verbal achievement.

Not only are the customers into this secret code of nada, but the people behind the counter seem to pride themselves on being Sylvan Learning Center tutors of silliness.

Alright. So up comes the ever-pleasant Tiki Bong, jonesing and shaking at the deprivation of legal drug of choice, and to the delightfully smiling Starbucks starlet, I says "Just a large coffee".

She stands there, mouth agape, slack-jawed, eyes staring in a state of uncomprehensional disbelief, and says "what?".

She just could not understand what I had just ordered.

It was as though a large, glowing orb had just landed from a galaxy unknown, I had exited it, and walked in speaking a language to which they just could not decipher.

She said "what".

Little missy eventually had to retrieve a Starbucks manager (they make manager after successfully completed a mailorder course on advanced ditzy-ness) who had to then call Starbucks headquarters in order to translate my request.

What a day...

http://www.quicksilverweb.net/sbucks/sbcharts.htm
I read once that Starbucks has 50% more caffeine than other coffee and that they use elaborate roasting to hide the flavor of their inferior coffee. I admit, I like to visit SB occasionally.
Mahalo,
Al

I have posted this before, but well worth it again.
I’ve seen it 6 times and still laugh.
Warning: Explicit Language
Star_Schmucks... I'll have a large please.

I always order the same thing there, same as you. "Large coffee, room for cream" I especially love following the guy who orders the "Venti half-decaf nonfat latte with chai and mocha sprinkles". I have had a $20.00 gift-card (still has $15.00 on it) in my wallet since Christmas. I only drink S.B.'s if I need a coffee "fix". I think their coffee tastes "burnt" instead of "roasted". Best brewed coffee I ever had at a local "shop" - "Community Coffee" in Baton Rouge. Stong and tasty! They have 'em in N.O., too - all over Louisiana (the "other" LA!) I get it from friends or off the 'Net. Starbucks cannot compete.....even when they've tried, the locals turn their noses up at 'em and keep going to "Community". Of course, they like that Cafe du Monde French Blend with chickory, too (so do I) - it's a regional thing...

On 2005-04-09 12:18, Unga Bunga wrote:
I have posted this before, but well worth it again.
I’ve seen it 6 times and still laugh.
Warning: Explicit Language
Star_Schmucks... I'll have a large please.

Hey! That fast-talkin' squirrel sez that 'Vente' is a "Hoity-Toity" phrase! Really? Hmmm... I'd better start usin' it more often...

I stood behind a guy who ordered his drink, non-fat, decaf, and the guy behind the counter called out, "one, why bother"
Another time a guy asked for his drink...no foam, soy, extra hot, I asked him if he wanted a pink bow on it, I then left and went to 7-11 and got a cup of real coffee for a buck!

Their coffee always tastes nasty burnt to me too and it isn't strong enough. I have to order 2 triple espressos when I'm desperate enough to use them at an airport for a caffeine fix.

On 2005-04-09 15:19, susane wrote:
Their coffee always tastes nasty burnt to me too and it isn't strong enough. I have to order 2 triple espressos when I'm desperate enough to use them at an airport for a caffeine fix.

Could that explain why you never sleep?

:) No!

Coffee sometimes makes me sleepy.

YEAH!! I refuse to adapt to their made up vocabulary!! I look them STRAIGHT in the eye and order a medium. My other pet peeve is they don't have 'low fat' milk, it's called 'blended' and they mix non-fat and regular milk together, and you never know what you're gonna get. I like Peet's! They don't make up words and the coffee is lovely and high octane. They also don't think I'm a pain in the ass when I order a half decaf, because I go there every day, they know my name, and they know I'm pregnant! I will say this, Starbucks give ass loads of money to progressive politics, and they offer health benefits to their PT employees, and they actually pay rather well for the service industry. So if and when I spend money there, I don't feel too bad. That's just my opinion

I like a 2x4 with fries animal style & yellow pepper, and a flying dutchman for my mutt..... and don't forget the lemon-up

Traderpup wrote:
I like a 2x4 with fries animal style & yellow pepper, and a flying dutchman for my mutt..... and don't forget the lemon-up

TraderPup! You In-n-Out Hijacker You! Lately, I've been on a Double-Double Protein Style habit myself!

Now back to our regular program....

On 2005-04-09 21:00, Traderpup wrote:
I like a 2x4 with fries animal style & yellow pepper, and a flying dutchman for my mutt..... and don't forget the lemon-up

#1 Animal Style, and a Cheeseburger, dry, grilled onions, lettuce & tomato on the side, & a Chocolate Shake for my wife.

Has anyone here ordered a 4x4? Anyone ordered anything larger?

Pup, I always love it when people order flying dutchmen for their dogs in the back of pickups: They pick up their order, drive forward 5 feet, & the dogs get their order. :)

On 2005-04-09 14:12, Doctor Z wrote:

On 2005-04-09 12:18, Unga Bunga wrote:
I have posted this before, but well worth it again.
I’ve seen it 6 times and still laugh.
Warning: Explicit Language
Star_Schmucks... I'll have a large please.

Hey! That fast-talkin' squirrel sez that 'Vente' is a "Hoity-Toity" phrase! Really? Hmmm... I'd better start usin' it more often...

I'll have a Venti Mai Tai, no Grenadine, double pineapple garnish, please.

you can venti mai tai me up any day!

Ya, I'm forced into the craptacular language. Only because of their shortcomings. About twice a week I order their chai latte, specifically for the caffeine buzz it gives me, and If I'm lucky it's a little spicy.

Extra hot(since it's usually cold by the time I get to work) non-fat(cuz they'll use skim) no water(who wants their drink watered down?)

I'm not proud of myself, but if they didn't make watered down cold crap I could just order a frickin' tea.

We have one of their handy-dandy espresso machines at home, and if I took the time to figure out how to use the thing I could make my own Extra Hot Non Fat No Water Tazo Freakin Chai. Course I'd probably have to get up an extra half hour early.

Look what they've done to me. I'm a puppet for dogs sake.

BTW, I love the idea of the dog picking up their own order. Whenever we go through a drive through with her in the car she gets an empty cone.

Having worked in many cafe's and despising Starbux.....I found it much better to avoid them and find a nice independent cafe where you can get a good tasting drink from a real prerson ad not some person incapable of operating a McDonalds Fryer and yet thinks thier to good for retail........

Never drank a Starbucks coffee in my life or ate at McDonalds either.

Large = Large... Starbucks can kiss my venti ass, because I'm saying "large".

The most coffee-lingo satisfaction I'll give them is to say "house-blend". Which, by-the-way, causes frustration as well.

And who the heck came up with the word 'regular'? It was always small, medium and large when I was growing up. They look at you funny when you say medium.

I'm only regular after I've had my all-bran!

Screw the system! I vote for confusion!

:P

*On 2005-04-11 11:27, Tikiwahine wrote:*Extra hot(since it's usually cold by the time I get to work) non-fat(cuz they'll use skim)
There's a difference between non-fat and skim?! I always thought it was a marketing ploy (now calling skim milk "non-fat") to pull in the hyper-no-fat faddists! Doesn't skim mean they skim off all the fat?

Finding her whole world shaken, but still always ordering "a medium coffee" when she's stuck with Starbucks,
F

heh heh, nope, it's alll good formikahini!
I meant they do use skim when you ask for non-fat(although skim is a much shorter word, those brainwashers!).

I'm not sure what skim means, but I do know that it has 0% fat. After growing up on 2%, I never thought I could switch. I did it cold turkey three years ago, and the only problem has been this odd addiction to all things oceanic.

On 2005-04-11 12:26, Tikiwahine wrote:
And who the heck came up with the word 'regular'? It was always small, medium and large when I was growing up. They look at you funny when you say medium.

To me "Cofee Regular" is Coffee with milk, 2 sugars.

[ Edited by: Tikiwahine on 2005-04-13 10:52 ]

Yes, I resist the SB newspeak as well, but one thing SB has going for it is consistency. It doesn't matter what city you're in, you're gonna get pretty much the same thing, no matter what kind of twisted and contorted verbage is used to describe it. I don't much like their coffee either, but a few years ago Oregon was over run with countless crappy Ma and Pa coffee houses and drive thru's. Good coffee used to be one of Oregon primary attractions, micro breweries too, but that's another topic. These yocals set up drive thru's on every concievable corner lot and alley way, and proudly painted big signs with red letters that said EXPRESSO (no, I didn't spell it wrong). The menus in these shops decorated with toll paintings, dried flower arrangements, and ceramic kitty's, had every convievable combination of those flavored italian sugar syrups, to make names like Snickerbar Latte and Hot Fudge Sundae Mocha. Sure, there is coffee in these drinks, but it is buried beneath all the sweet sugary goodness. AND, if you just try to get a cup of regular coffee in one of these joints they sneer and say hold on while I make a fresh pot of Folgers.
We used to own one of those little commercial espresso carts on wheels, and would set up on occaision for events. Every other customer would ask for a Snicker Bar Latte, or something equally ridiculous. I refused. We even used unsweetened chocolate in our mochas( I'm such a rebel!)

The point of this followup rant to TikiBongs articulate and prefectly appropriate opening statement, is that while I too am not particularly fond of of Starbucks coffee, or seeing it's name on every corner(actually, we only have one here within 30 miles of us), you know what you're getting when you walk in to one. It may take an interpreter, or even purchasing a copy of "How To Order Coffee For Dummies", and you may have to add sugar when you always drink it black, but it's no suprise. A consistantly bitter, and overpriced cup of coffee with an unspeakable name.

Unga Bunga, your link is hilarious!

I collect Department 56 North Pole village buildings and have a Starbucks for it. Cuz what christmas village would be complete without one? (don't answer that) :wink: (I also have an alien landing site - and am trying to convince them to make a Trader Vic's)

I used to attempt to order at a Starbucks that was painfully close to work, and it was always a fifty-fifty chance that I'd leave with no coffee due to their maniacal morning manager. If you couldn't bark out your order correctly, and fast enough, she'd just get steely eyed, turn to the next person in line and yell, "NEXT!" You had to get back in line once you figured out how to "vinte, vente, voodoo" your order fast enough for her. Naturally, I was also picking up orders for coworkers that included lots of scientific calculations, and it became a dreadful battle of wits with "Frau Starbuck"(or nitwits, all parties considered). I quickly learned that it was far easier to give someone else the money for the order, and let them think they're getting out of work for a few minutes to go deal with my coffee-pushing nemesis.

This whole hoopla could've been avoided if there was a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, or Peet's within a mile of the place.

I drink Starbuck's mainly because it's within walking distance of work and it gives me an excuse to get out of the god-forsaken building on occasion. I too refuse to use the Starbuck's vernacular and pride myself in making my order sound boring and uninformed as if it was the first time I ever-ordered coffee in my life. As for the caffeine pick-up... I don't know if my youth spent drinking 3-4, 16 oz. Mt. Dew's a day has made me immune to any positive effects that caffeine has to offer. One afternoon after I blew my paycheck on an espresso and a vanilla latte I still had trouble staying awake. I even have a 16 oz. black coffee from the lowly Royal Farm's store each night on my way home from work and fall asleep without even remembering touching my head to the pillow. Is it possible that I'm immune to caffeine? Am I wasting my money buying fancy coffee drinks that have no effect on me whatsoever?

I heard a comedian (I forget who, sorry) ask, "When did it become socially acceptible to pay more for a cup of coffee than a gallon of gas?"

On the drink sizes, maybe this will help. Being that espresso is an "Italian" coffee, I assumed the names were italian as well. If that is correct, the sizes in Italian translate to:

Tall = ?
Venti = twenty
Grande = large

so a "tall" is less than the "twenty" (20 oz)? and a "grande" is more (than 20 oz)? Oh, hell I don't know!

On 2005-04-11 11:58, atomictonytiki wrote:
Never drank a Starbucks coffee in my life or ate at McDonalds either.

I wish I could say the same!

Atomictony - you're not missing much when it comes to Starbucks but you haven't lived until you've had an egg mcmuffin the morning after a hard night of drinking... on second thought, that's probably a good thing...

On 2005-04-12 05:33, johntiki wrote:

you haven't lived until you've had an egg mcmuffin the morning after a hard night of drinking...

a friend and I were scarfing down some McDonalds at 7am once years ago. We were both very sleep deprived and still buzzed. My friend held up his uniformly perfect hash browns, pondered for a moment, then uttered, "Now THAT'S technology!" I haven't laughed as hard since (at him).

(ya had to be there)

-Z

Am I the only one who sees the redeeming value in a cup of coffe for a truck stop? They have all the bells and whistles for your coffee, and you get to make it yourself just the way you like it. Then, for free, they throw in entertainment in the form of wonderful personalities that grace the booths and the stories they have to share. All for the price of 1/9 Starbucks.

Man, you're not living till you're in touch with the real white trash side of life! Believe me...truck stops know better than to serve bad coffee!

My personal favorite Truck Stop: Pilot!

while on tour with a band(in a van) years back, we got addicted to late,late nite stops at Pilot Truck stops for their coffee and video racing games. There's nothing like breaking yourself of white line fever(not those kind of white lines, Bong)with an extra large coffee and an hours worth of simulated driving!?!

in '84 I borrowed a Nissan Sentra (to go to 7-11)and went to the Mardi Gras.I lived in San Jose at the time so it was a bit of a drive. I had only had coffee a few times in my life...Frigginhell, what a rush.

Especially in parts of Texas, those tuckstops are like outposts of caffien, showers, probly whores for blokes with money...and THE CLAW.

If you could make Coffee at those places using "the Claw" I'd probly still be there.

nothing like a 32oz trough.

My poison when I go to Starbucks (I've got 4 here within a 1 sq. mile radius in Monarch Beach... I think we are officially the Starbucks hub of the world)... Quad Vente Percent Latte. Please realizce that I order this after I've already made the aforementioned drink on the Barista at my pad in the a.m. - it's helped to spew out a lot of Tiki over the years. Starbucks or whoever - if it's good coffee & close... I'm on it!!

Did I post this? Just fouund it. I must have been amp'd or buzz'd... stupid post Holden... stupid probably tired post you idiot !?! Hey, whose got some "Hot Lava Java"...yummm??!! Hope you guys enjoyed today's "Spring Sale" gig... it, I think... ruled!!
Mahaloz,
Holden

oh... this is BILGE... um... BURPPP!!!!!!!

[ Edited by: smogbreather on 2005-04-24 00:04 ]

On 2005-04-12 05:33, johntiki wrote:
you haven't lived until you've had an egg mcmuffin the morning after a hard night of drinking...

Away with your wee egg mcmuffin, feast your eyes on the real McBreakfast as enjoyed by hard drinking scots..

..and if you find somewhere that will dip the lot in batter and deep fry it, all the better :wink:

Atomic - now that's living! Who needs a McMuffin when you've got that waiting for you? Definitely a breakfast of champions! :) I know that when I’ve gone to Europe, especially Ireland, they always prepare similar gigantic meals and I found myself thinking there’s no way in the world I can eat all this… besides, they serve these things called black and white sausages and they are without a doubt some of the most disgusting things I’ve ever tasted. The rashers on the hand are so good I can usually do 2nd helpings.

No one has mentioned a Diner for coffee? Where are you New Englanders?! I have a favorite diner here in Rochester, that I go to twice a week. Sit at the counter to listen to the waitress gossip and enjoy my bottomless 95 cent coffee. Haven't been to SB yet, but willing to try.

Atomic, I so need to get overthere!!!