"Phonetic" poems....

So... I freelance whenever I can, and am signed up with a few websites that supposedly put clients & artists together, when someone has a project. Usually, the job is undoable, the pay they offer is low (not to mention that the website takes a cut), or it's just porn cartoons they want!

Anyhow, this morning I received this doozy:

Dear Christopher:

Within the last 24 hours, employers posted one or more projects that match your
profile(s).

How to find the below project(s):
---Sign in to your professional account: XXXXXXXXXXXX
---On the My Admin page, click the "View Project Notifications" link.

Profile ID: 555382 matches...
Project ID: 157570
Title: FOUR LINERS
Category: Illustration / Cartooning / Painting / Sculpting
Description:
I create four line "phonetic" poems that have a word used twice which
rhymes perfectly yet is spelled differently. This is better understood by reading
a few examples as follows:

IT WAS HER BIRTHDAY..........
SO I SENT HER.........
TICKETS TO THE CONCERT.........
AT THE CIVIC CENTER.

I WENT TO VISIT HIS GRAVE.........
THE FATHER OF LISA MINNELLI..........
HE HAD ENGRAVED ON HIS STONE.......
IN THIS GRAVE THERE LIES A MINNELLI

OFF THE EDGE OF A CLIFF........
HE PUSHED A BOULDER OVER.........
SHE DIDN'T SEE IT COMING..........
IT ALMOST BOWLED HER OVER.

I GOT A COLD DRINK...........
AND SAT DOWN BESIDE HER..........
IT TASTED SO GOOD............
HOW COULD THIS BE CIDER.

Anyway, you get the idea. I compose several of these every day in my spare time,
and creativity is no proble. In less than a year I have composed over 650 of these
little gems.

My idea is to have the "FOUR LINER" accompanied by a cartoon drawing depicting
the theme to help the reader see the action and make the connection even more obvious
and interesting and humorous.

I am a freelance writer just trying to get this project off the ground, so my budget
at this point is relatively small. I have $250.00 budgeted for and initial supply
of 8 to 10 cartoons. Just one panel depicting (in a humerous way) the basic theme
of that particular four liner.

All of my friends and work associates tell me that they believe these Four Liners
have great potential and usually approach me eagerly to hear the newest one.

Aside from the shockingly low pay offered, I am amazed at the poetic prowess of this author. Anyone else out there want to take a stab at some "Phonetic" poems...?

PJ, Tikifish & Sabu - I'm talking to you!

[ Edited by: Tangaroa 2005-08-11 08:16 ]

8FT TIKI BOUGHT A NEW TOOL
BUT IT NEARLY WRECKED HIM..........
HE THOUGHT THE OILSTONE............
WAS MEANT FOR THE RECTUM.

I WENT TO DISNEYLAND....
TO VISIT THE TIKI ROOM....
THEN I FOUND SOME EARL GREY AND OLD KEYS...
I PUT THESE IN MY TEA KEY ROOM.

I went to Trader Vic's
and ordered a Mai tai
But at the end it tasted bland
cos I'd been sucking on my tie

.

I once took a rather pleasent trip
to the isle of Easter
I tried to climb a Maoi
but ended up on my keaster

[ Edited by: Urban Tiki 2005-08-11 09:56 ]

On 2005-08-11 09:56, Urban Tiki wrote:
I once took a rather pleasent trip
to the isle of Easter
I tried to climb a Maoi
but ended up on my keaster

[ Edited by: Urban Tiki 2005-08-11 09:56 ]

Not exactly UT! See - it can't just rhyme.... It needs to be phonetic!

Come on folks - embrace the genious of this tortured soul... He/she has created over 650 of these "little gems" - surely we can beat that number.

My friend Jackie just sent me this:

Do all of this guy's poems have derivatives of "something-her"?

SITTING ON A CURB
BY THE SEWER SIDE
I BROODED ON MY MISERY
BEFORE COMMITTING SUICIDE

BOGGED WITH MISCELLANEOUS DUTIES
THOUGH I'M CONTRACTED AS GRANT WRITER
YOU MUST DO THEM SAYS MANAGEMENT
IT SAYS SO HERE IN THE RIDER
(okay, that one was a stretch...)

IT WAS SUGGESTED
BECAUSE OF THE RAPIST
THAT I GO AND SEE
A COMPETENT THERAPIST

Scary how quickly she picked it up! Of course - she is a real poet, folks...

On 2005-08-11 09:56, Urban Tiki wrote:
I once took a rather pleasent trip
to the isle of Easter
I tried to climb a Maoi
but ended up on my keaster

[ Edited by: Urban Tiki 2005-08-11 09:56 ]

I may be able to "fix" this (even if it is a streach)

...but landed on my ear sir.

On 2005-08-11 10:45, Tangaroa wrote:

On 2005-08-11 09:56, Urban Tiki wrote:
I once took a rather pleasent trip
to the isle of Easter
I tried to climb a Maoi
but ended up on my keaster

[ Edited by: Urban Tiki 2005-08-11 09:56 ]

Not exactly UT! See - it can't just rhyme.... It needs to be phonetic!

Come on folks - embrace the genious of this tortured soul... He/she has created over 650 of these "little gems" - surely we can beat that number.

DOH!!! Okay, let me try again

I once took a pleasent trip
out to Easter Island
I tried to climb a Maoi
but on my keaster I land

WHY ARE YOU RUNNING THROUGH THE TREES?
DON'T BE SO YELLOW, JACK. IT'S
JUST SOME FRIENDLY HONEY BEES,
NOT REAL YELLOWJACKETS.

YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME NEAR ENOUGH,
TO MAKE ME SET YOU FREE. CONFESS,
AND TELL ME TRULY MR. BUFFET
WHERE YOU PUT MY FREAKIN' FEZ!

IN 1770, CAPTAIN COOK
DISCOVERED BOTANY BAY
I READ ABOUT IT IN THIS BOOK
THAT I BOUGHT ON EBAY

Sabu

[ Edited by: Sabu The Coconut Boy 2005-08-11 20:12 ]

sheer brilliance. I stand humbled.

I STUMBLED UPON AN ANCIENT SEA
LIKE PROFESSER LOUIS LEAKEY
BUT WHEN I CALLED THE PLUMBER IN, HE SAID
'YOUR LOO IS LEAKY'

I MET AN 80's RAPPER
HE WAS LIVING IN BOMBAY
BUT STILL HE KNEW WHERE TO BUY FINE THREADS -
'EEL'S PANTS ARE THE BOMB, EH?'

'TWAS DOWN IN CALIFORNIA
THAT VIRANI MET SABU
THE FIRST THING HE DID ASK, WAS
QU'EST-CE QUE LE BOISSON QUE CA BU?

Remember, Tangaroa specifically called me out on this.

WHEN I WAS VISITING LANEY'S
I SAID "HOW DID YOU MAKE THAT LAMP, PRAY?"
SHE TOLD ME SHE WENT TO TORONTO
AND TIKIFISH CAUGHT HER A LAMPREY

FZ MAINTAINS THERE'S MUSIC
THAT TO HEAR HE WOULD NOT DEIGN
BUT IF YOU LOOK IN HIS GLOVEBOX
THERE'S A CD BY TAYLOR DAYNE

I NEEDED A RIDE TO SOMEWHERE
AND SO I CALLED SABU
BUT HE PULLED UP IN MY DRIVEWAY
IN A RUSTY OLD SAAB, EEEWW!

I KNOW OF A LITTLE MAN
WHO SAYS THAT HE IS 5'9"
BUT IF YOU WET DOWN HIS HAIR
WOULD THAT HEIGHT SURVIVE? NEIN!

HUEY McCHESAPEAKE
CLAIMS THAT A BOOK HE DID WRITE
BUT JUST PUBLISHING OTHER FOLKS' WORK
COULDN'T REALLY BE CALLED "WRITING", RIGHT?

THERE ONCE WAS AN INTERNET FORUM
TO WHICH BELONGED MANY A MORON
YOU'D THINK THAT THERE WOULD BE A CUT-OFF
BUT THEY JUST SEEM TO KEEP GETTING MORE ON

A HOLY MOTHER LIVED IN DOVER...
WHILE SHE RAN A CONVENT IN NANTUCKET....
THE SISTER'S SLIP SHOWED WHILE BENDING OVER...
A CONSTRUCTION WORKER SAID, "HEY NUN! TUCK IT!"

I bow to the word wielding wizards on this thread. Here is my unworthy illiterate jab at it...

Bald heads burn so easy
Sunscreens make skin too greasy
OUCH! Bawled the man with no hair
Do you have any SPF 30 to spare?

Tales of his drunkenness
She was surely believing
When her boyfriend showed up
He knew he'd shortly be leaving

On 2005-08-11 16:26, DawnTiki wrote:

Bald heads burn so easy
Sunscreens make skin too greasy
OUCH! Bawled the man with no hair
Do you have any SPF 30 to spare?

OK - see it's words that sound like each other phonetically....

So, while a nice poem - it should be something like:

The farmer found out the hard way.....
why bald heads burn so easy....
working away in his sunny pig trough....
he called out in pain, "Sooooooooo-eeeeeeeeee! Say!"

They're there, Tang (

nevermind...maybe I'll get it after a drink :wink:

In her sweet and quiet way, WYSTERIA looks forward to every day. This afternoon she’s going to teach the younger ponies how to build sandcastles and decorate them with pretty shells on the beach!

I tried to go to the opera
to see the famed "Die Fladermaus"
but was stopped by a parade balloon
yes, it was a deflated Mouse

Then once in London I did ask
where the p-ewy loo is
but PJ was to busy
listening to Huey Lewis

I tried to make this great
a real instant classic
yet my skills need some touch ups
time to get back to class. ICK!

-Z

On 2005-08-11 16:48, purple jade wrote:
They're there, Tang (
Just not at the ends of the lines, see?

Bawled and bald.

And the term is "homonym".

Ahhhhhhhhh... "I see", said the blind man!

So - the original emailer is wrong in his description of "Phonetic" poetry? Should it be "Homonym" poetry?

A quick check of the definitions reveals that yes, PJ has once again chumped me.

I USED TO HATE "COLLECTIBLES"
UNTIL I BOUGHT YOUR BOOK, SVEN, GOLLY!
NOW ALL MY MONEY GOES TO MUGS
YOU ROTTEN POLY-POP SVENGALI!

TO WATCH LENO ON LATE NIGHT TV...
WAS AN IDEA THAT CAME TO PURPLE JADE'S HEAD...
BUT THE GUEST McCARTNEY WENT ON A KILLING SPREE...
AND OH! POOR PAUL - JAY'D DEAD.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO THINK OF SOMETHING
TO RHYME WITH TANGAROA
LIKE A LIGHT BROWN PROSTITUTE FISH
A TAN GAR HO-A

(yeah, well YOU try it...)

ON THE RANCH, WE PICKED FRESH GREENS
WHEN TANGAROA LET US
"JUST DON'T FORGET TO SAVE THAT MEAN
MUSTANG A ROW A' LETTUCE"

Sabu

Ok, now I have to break up all the fun for a little grammar lesson…

Homonyms are only word pairs like, where and wear (which would work for the poems), but since the poem allow for pairs such as “classic” to go with “class. ICK!” you would have to call the poems phonetic and not homonymic. So, the original poster was actually correct.

Ok you can now continue the fun now; grammar lesson over.

P.S. this is my favorite one.

On 2005-08-11 16:51, tikinoobie wrote:
In her sweet and quiet way, WYSTERIA looks forward to every day. This afternoon she’s going to teach the younger ponies how to build sandcastles and decorate them with pretty shells on the beach!

I think I have been living with Sabu too long.

On 2005-08-11 20:48, Tikibelle wrote:
Ok, now I have to break up all the fun for a little grammar lesson…

Homonyms are only word pairs like, where and wear (which would work for the poems), but since the poem allow for pairs such as “classic” to go with “class. ICK!” you would have to call the poems phonetic and not homonymic. So, the original poster was actually correct.

Actually, homonyms (from the Latin for "same name") are words that are BOTH spelled the same and prounounced the same, but have different meanings. EX: quiver (verb - to shake or move with a slight trembling motion) and quiver (noun - a case for holding arrows).

What y'all are actually dealing with are homophones (from the Latin for "same sound"), two or more words that are pronounced alike, but are different in spelling or meaning.

I object!!!! I have NEVER been a homophone, in fact some of my best frinds are ho...
Oh, wait...

(and yes Z., you are eggsackly wright.)

he said homonymph...

I'm not giving up dammit...

Easily burn do heads that are bald
Hats are a must, to protect from a scald
"If only I knew" the pink headed man bawled
To bring down the temp. drink water, ice cold

That wasn't fun.
Is it possible to be homophonically, phonetically and possibly homonymously challeged all at the same time?

[ Edited by: DawnTiki 2005-08-12 09:02 ]

On 2005-08-12 07:28, purple jade wrote:
I object!!!! I have NEVER been a homophone, in fact some of my best frinds are ho...

Not that there's anything wrong with that....

On 2005-08-12 07:40, DawnTiki wrote:
I'm not giving up dammit...

Easily burn do heads that are bald
Hats are a must, to protect from a scald
"If only I knew" the pink headed man bawled
To bring down the temp. drink water, ice cold

That wasn't fun, I think I sprained something.
Is it possible I can be homophonically, phonetically and possibly homonymously challeged all at the same time?

[ Edited by: DawnTiki 2005-08-12 07:50 ]

Whoo Hooo!!! Go Dawn Tiki!!!! She did it on ALL 4 lines!

genghis khan spent his
youth in asia
his foes wished for his
euthanasia

LITTLE RICHARD SANG
"LUCILLE"
WHILE THE ANIMAL TRAINER YELLED,
"LOOSE SEAL!"

I ALWAYS THOUGHT HENDRIX SAID
"'SCUSE ME WHILE I KISS THIS GUY"
MY FRIENDS LAUGHED AT ME 'CAUSE HE REALLY SAID
"'SCUSE ME WHILE I KISS THE SKY"

OK it's a stretch...

On 2005-08-12 21:33, stuff-o-rama wrote:
LITTLE RICHARD SANG
"LUCILLE"
WHILE THE ANIMAL TRAINER YELLED,
"LOOSE SEAL!"

ARK! ARK!

For all of you Monty Python fans out there:
**
Off on a journey with hand on sceptre
Sent by mysterious knights who say "Ni!"
They won't find a shrubbery except for
The angry dark knight cut off at the knee.

In a rescue attempt deemed perilous
The brave knights did rescue Sir Gallahad
Now that young knight finds himself peril-less
And cries "That coulda been the gal I had!"
"All of these skirts that I could have chased,
Now I shall remain forever chaste."** :(

[ Edited by: Mai Tai 2005-08-16 02:40 ]

Very Good, Mai Tai!

I don't think I can match 6 in one poem.

Sabu

Mai Tai, you magnificent bastard.....!

Thankya, thankyaverymuch. I was going to cram in something about the land being pear-less, but decided to quit while I was ahead.

Speaking of quitting while ahead, let's try one in Limerick form:
**
There once was a guy from Austin
Who crammed his sports bag into his Austin
He crammed it all in,
But when he got to the Inn
He found his balls had been swiped by Jane Austen!** :o

God bless those Scottish Au Pairs
Who all have such boffo pairs
How did they produce
Such ripe, fine produce -
Canteloupe! orange! tomato! pears!

[ Edited by: tikifish 2005-08-16 15:09 ]

I decree from here on out, all phonetic poetry shall be limericks.

The reception would have dinner for the guests
Complete with lettuce alone undressed
As they walked down the aisle
The couple thought about the isle
Where their door sign would read "Let us alone undressed"

cherry capri shakes maracas
as the party grows ever more raucous
she says ‘i can’t lie
i ordered a mai tai
but this drink in my hand is moe rocca’s.’

[ Edited by: Johnny Dollar 2005-08-16 17:16 ]

You people are amazing....