dum joke

this pirate walks into a bar, he's got a steering wheel down the front of his pants. the bartender looks at him an goes whats with the steering wheel...the pirate replies, arrgh it drivin me nuts!

[ Edited by: john 2005-07-12 06:14 ]

A bear walks into a bar an says to the bar tender, "I would like a bourbon and...... a coke."

The bar tender says "What's up with the big pause?"

The bear said "I've had them all my life"

More can be found on this thread

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

what?

a skeleton walks into a bar, the bartender goes "what can i get for you?"-the skeleton says "a beer and a mop"

[ Edited by: john 2005-07-12 06:14 ]

A guy walks into a bar wearing nothing but GLAD Cling Wrap. The bartender says, "Sir, clearly I can see your nuts."

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "Why the long face?"

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

A mushroom and a carrot walk into a bar. The bartender says to the carrot " Hey, you can stay but your buddy has got to go."
The carrot replies "Aw come on man let him stay he's really a 'fun guy'"

a grasshopper walks into a bar, the bartender goes " i've got a drink named after you", the grasshopper replies...you've got a drink named carl?

Old guy says to his friend "I just got a new hearing aid. It's the finest hearing aid money can buy". His friend says "Yeah? What kind is it?" Old guy glances at his watch..."quarter till three."

There's a new pirate movie coming out. It's rated aRrrrrr.

What's a pirate's favorite TV show? E.aR.rrrrr

What's a pirate's favorite food? Spaghetti!

Q: What has 8 arms and 8 legs?

A: 8 Pirates!

A dude walks in to the psychiatrist's office sayin' " I am a wig-wam. I am a teepee" over and over.
The doctor tells him...."relax your two tents. (to tense)
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Chongolio

a man walks into a bar....ouch!

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Found this one on the net...

There were these two guys in a bar on the 20th floor of a skyscraper. The first man said, "I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in." The second man says "Ok, sure." And the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says, "I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to his death on the sidewalk below. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man, "Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman." :)

a guy comes home and finds his wife packing up all her belongings. he asks whats up, she tells him im going to vegas, i can make 2 grand a night for what i do with you for free. the guy starts packing his belongings, his wife asks where hes going, he says vegas- she asks why, his reply - i want to see you live on 4 grand a year

[ Edited by: john 2005-07-22 17:36 ]

A Riptide goes into a bar, the bartender says "hey, I have a drink named after you!", Riptide says "you have a drink named SonofaBeach?"

BUMP

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A baby seal walks into a club...

--SBiM

Two elderly men are pushing their carts around the department store when they
collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

Q: Why did the conjoined twins go to London?

A: So the other one could drive.

Why did the automechanic go to art school?

So he could learn to make a van go.

How many fraternity brothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Trick question.... Fraternity brothers screw in a pool of vomit.

Did you hear about the monogamist who had to have small tables on both sides of his bed?

He didn't believe in the one night stand.

man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast.

The guy is amazed. Everything has been SO incredible. "You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he
ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a hamburger, fries and a Coke from the bartender who gladly takes it all down on his pad and delivers it to the kitchen. The panda finds a seat at a table and moments later a waiter brings him his meal, which he eats quickly. He thanks the waiter, pays the bill and even leaves a decent tip.

Suddenly the panda reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter. The bartender is horrified and jumps over the counter to the waiter’s aid.

“What the hell did you do that for?!” the bartender shrieks.

The panda ignores the question and responds calmly with a question of his own, “Do you know what I am?”

“You’re a panda…”

“That’s right… now go home and look up panda in the dictionary.” And with that the panda turns and leaves the bar.

That night the bartender was in a frenzy leafing through his dictionary hoping to uncover a motive for the waiter’s murder. Finally he finds panda and reads the definition…

Panda
n 1: A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tenniselbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-mart.

That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he gothome, he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure, and hurried to Wal-mart before it closed, eager to check the results.

He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.

The computer lights up, and ten seconds later prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
   4 Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
4. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-mart.

Q: Whats the difference between a Goth Dude & a Goth Chick?

A: About 250 pounds

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

He didn't have anybody to go with.

Q: What do you get when you goose a ghost?

A: A hand full of sheet!

Q: Why do mermaids wear seashells?

A: Because B-shells would be too small.

Q: What do you call an ignorant piece of roof?

A: Shingle minded

Did you here about the man who dropped an anvil 30 stories onto a bowl of chickpeas?

They charged him with Hummus-cide

Did you hear the Kleenex factory workers went on strike?

Now everyone will have to picket.

Why was the man fired from the orange juice factory?

He couldn't concentrate.

Did you hear the one about the breast implant advertising executive?

Yeah, he was arrested for falsie advertising.

I thought I'd add a comic that I saw in this weeks Baltimore City Paper... it qualifies as dumb but damn did I get a major laugh out of it... the people at work must have thought I lost my mind.

Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch