Actual Court Statements

ACTUAL STATEMENTS:

----- These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impa ct?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified t o give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you per formed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patie nt have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Krikey, these are HYSTERICAL...! My f**king ribs hurt...

Mahalo

that is some funny shit!

I can't stop crying. Ohhh, my stomach hurts.

"WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I love it...this is very timely since I have to testify in court tomorrow. I needed that laugh. :lol:

Very, very funny!! Thanks for the laughs!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

ATTORNEY: OK, I'm going to ask you one more time. What school did you F***ING GO TO!?
WITNESS: Oral.

OK...had a good corporate lawyer...defendant didn't show up...got extended restraining order from crazy employee...AHHHH...management...gotta love it!!!

Had to sit in court though and listen to a slew of stupid cases regarding other restraining order requests. Here is one of the exchanges:

Gentleman accused of being drunk and shooting gun several times at apartment complex on New Years Eve. Defendant's girlfriend is testifying.

JUDGE: What time did you get home from dinner that night?
GIRLFRIEND: Around 10pm.
JUDGE: Did your boyfriend fire his gun several times when you got home?
GIRLFRIEND: No, he did not.
JUDGE: What did you do once you got home?
GIRLFRIEND: Uh...uh...uh...we had sex.

Gheeezzz...too much information, I nearly burst out laughing. :lol:

Thanks for the big laugh!! Those were priceless!!!