Jokes!

How many Tiki Centralites does it take to change a light bulb?
One to post detailed online step by step instructions with photos of how they constructed and installed their own light bulb, one to point out that they are selling light bulbs on Ebay, one to mix the Mai Tai’s, and Polynesian Pop to drop it on the floor and break it.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Sven.
Sven Who?
Sven is the next San Francisco Tiki Crawl?

What’s the difference between Jimmy Buffet and a Vacuum Cleaner?
You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner before it sucks.

What’s the difference between Tonga Room service and having a baby?
One is horribly painful and almost unbearable, while the other is just having a baby.

How many Bali-Hai Mai Tais does it take to scew in a lightbulb?

It doesn't matter, they cut you off after 5 anyway.

Guy walks up to a tiki in a bar and says "Hey how 'bout I buy you a drink?"
The tiki says "You really don't have a Ku, can't you see I'd rather be a Lono?"

a visual

i'd really like to apologize for that...

[ Edited by: Johnny Dollar on 2003-11-21 12:09 ]

Q. What tastes like beer and smells like Febreeze?

A. Ass, according to Tikifish's last few Beyond posts.

(Sorry, I just found that descriptive phrase applied to those two things so close together uproarious.)

this one's kind of cheesy, but what the hell...

Someone is watching!

The light turns green, but the man doesn't notice.

The woman waits, but the man in front of her doesn't notice the light change.

The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move.

The man doesn't move.

The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash.

As the light turns yellow, the woman begins to blow the car horn and scream curses at the man.

The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.

The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection.

As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.

The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight.

She complies, speechless at what is happening.
After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up.

She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car.

She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car.

She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted,
photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you and then I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She asks the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk replies, "What denomination?"

The woman responds, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

[ Edited by: cynfulcynner on 2003-11-26 10:39 ]

How do you get the world's kindest, gentlest, most devout little old Christian lady to say, "Fuck"?

Have the world's second kindest, gentlest, devout Christian lady yell, "BINGO!"

[ Edited by: Geeky Tiki on 2004-01-29 14:47 ]

Bob received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse
vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was laced with profanity.

Bob tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by saying only polite words, playing soft music and doing anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, he was fed up. He yelled at the parrot. The parrot squawked back. John shook the parrot, who then uttered the most awful stream of profanities.

Bob, in desperation, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a squawk was heard.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Bob opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language. I'm sincerely
remorseful for my inappropriate behavior and vocabulary transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

Bob was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Happy Thanksgiving!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group
therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

Did you hear there's a party on Easter Island?

Can Tiki Centralites go?

Sure! The moai, the merrier!

gets coat, runs away fast
Trader Woody

On 2004-01-16 04:35, Trader Woody wrote:
Did you hear there's a party on Easter Island?

Can Tiki Centralites go?

Sure! The moai, the merrier!

gets coat, runs away fast
Trader Woody

hip-hop music provided by rap a nui

Don Mattingly, Yogi Berra and Whitey Ford were at an Old Timers Day at Yankee Stadium and the scoreboard flashed a list of prominent people in baseball who could not attend the game because they had passed away.

The trio walked off the field, and Berra turned to the others and said, "Boy, I hope I never see my name up there.''

How many TikiCentralites does it take to change a light bulb?

21. One to hold the light bulb and 20 to drink Mai Tais until the room spins! :D

please - let's keep these jokes tiki and tiki central 'centric'... other jokes belong in a beyond tiki thread
https://tikicentral.com/viewtopic.php?topic=5708&forum=6&56

and don't forget this funny thread...
https://tikicentral.com/viewtopic.php?topic=4839&forum=6&19

A lonely Moai decides to go to the school dance, but being self-sonscious about his one eye made out of wood he is a wallflower and too scared to ask anyone to dance.

Then from afar he eyes a beautiful wahine with the cutest little upper lip just standing alone and by herself. Well, the lonely Moai gathers up all his courage and walks across the dance floor and asks the wahine if she'd like to dance.

So excited that anyone even noticed her, the wahine blurts out "Would I, Moai! Would I, Moai!"

The Moai yells back at her "Hairlip! Hairlip!"

Old Tiki Proverb- One man's meat is another man's poi, son.

So this grasshopper goes into a tiki bar.
The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Irving?"

Mahalo, I'll be here all week.
:tiki:

I have a good one I was gonna post, but I thought I might have heard it here, so I was checking out the old "Jokes (stupid)" thread in Beyond Tiki, and I see that 'the TCer formerly known as SES' has removed all her posts? WHY?? Those were by far the best jokes there!

susane - you got some 'splaining to do!

A guy walks into a Tiki bar and is considering what he'd like to drink. He spots a strange-looking bottle full of a blue liquid. He calls the bartender over and asks, "What's that?"

The bartender says, "Oh, that's new. That's liquid Viagra."

"Okay," the guy says. "Pour me a stiff one."

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Holden
Holden Who?
Holden my favorite Tiki mug waiting for some rum

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Otto
Otto Who?
Otto think of a better joke, that's what I Otto do