"13 Rules For Tiki Bars"

https://surrealisttempleband.bandcamp.com/track/13-rules-for-tiki-bars

Just heard this on the radio, and was like: damn, this song is my new bible.

"4, no flip flops".....haha! that's awesome! Right on!

"Although, in some establishments, a Joint is fine" .... HECK YEA!

I couldn't fine the lyrics written anywhere so I transcribed them myself. Feel free to offer any corrections

13 Rules for Tiki Bars- The first rule of the Tiki Bar concerns the drinks. A Tiki menu should consist of mostly tropical cocktails such as the Mai Tai, the Zombie, the Painkiller, and the Fog Cutter. One beer and one wine is more than enough.
The second rule concerns decor. When I'm in a Tiki bar, I want to see South Sea Island murals, fake interior jungles, waterfalls, palm trees, bamboo. And, of course, the more Tikis in your bar the luckier it is.
Third, the clientele. No ???, no office parties.
Four, as dress code goes, smart casual is fine, Tiki casual is better. No flip flops
Five, we need to talk about cuisine. As fried rice (?) says, any food becomes Tiki food when you add pineapple. Think about it any more and you belong in a Tiki restaurant.
Six. Every Tiki hound should take a Tiki pilgrimage to the Tiki temples erected by Trader Vic, Donn the Beachcomber, and the other gods of Tiki culture at least once.
Seven. No Happy Hours. If walking through the beaded curtain into paradise doesn't make you happy enough you need a doctor, not a bartender.
Eight, no hard drugs. Although in some establishments a joint is fine, a 'shroom is fine. Ask Cedrick (?). Nine, no children
Ten, spiritualism. Some say Tiki is the Polynesian god of creativity. In fact, Tiki is a fabricated god, imported from the imagination of plenty of ??? American male chauvinists. Do not complain about kitch, authenticity, or political correctness.
Eleven, know your history. If you don't know a Mai Tai or Martin Denny, you ought to do some reading.
Twelve. Intoxication should lower your intellectual capacity to a childlike state. Although, remember, you are still a sophisticates savage. You should still behave in an orderly manner.
Maybe the most important rule, however, is number thirteen - music policy. Exotica is fine, Bossa Nova is fine, soft rock, ??? is OK. But strictly no Hip Hop. And if you don't abide by these rules, who knows? Maybe you'll get a visit from the Tiki gods?

According to Big Tiki Dude you HAVE to have Surf Guitar. According to Lucas Vigor, it should mostly be Hapa Haole. If you are Rory (WildsvilleMan) it's most likely going to be Yacht Rock playing in his bar. According to most everybody else, it should be Exotica, Don Ho, and Alfred Apaka with a little bit of Herb Alpert mixed in. According to "Parrot Heads", there should be Jimmy Buffet. According to everybody else, there should be NO Jimmy Buffet.

[ Edited by GROG on 2024-07-04 00:30:22 ]

Thanks, MadDogMike! I caught a few of the ones you missed:

"Third, the clientele. No ???" -- (couldn't catch this one; sounds like 'staggering cans,' but unless that's some obscure British slang, probably not.)

"5, the cuisine - as BOYD Rice says..."

"9, no hard drugs" -- (Yeah, I don't know who 'Cedric' is)

"Ten, spiritualism. Some say Tiki is the Polynesian god of creativity. In fact, Tiki is a fabricated god, imported from the imagination of plenty of 20TH CENTURY American male chauvinists."

"Maybe the most important rule, however, is number thirteen - music policy. Exotica is fine, Bossa Nova is fine, SURF rock, SOME INSECURE MEN* is OK."

*Apparently this band is a side-project of the band Insecure Men. Maybe 'Cedric' is a member?

"Third, the clientele. No ???" -- stag weekends...or as we say in US, bachelor parties