Post #221216 by AquaZombie on Thu, Mar 16, 2006 11:24 AM

For those too uncool to know, OTTO invented TIKI. Long ago, my PAL and NEIGHBOR, OTTO, compelled by strange forces from beyond the universe, travelled to the South Seas where he lived for decades amongst the simple but stylish natives. While there he had many, many wahine wives (and least this is what he told me) and populated most of Polynesia. One night he had a strange vision of a god that looked a lot like him, and carved a statue in its image for the natives to worship when he eventually returned to the mainland. Modestly, he named the god TIKI. The first was one bald, smooth and cute, like him, but once he was gone, the natives made a bunch more, adding weird grimaces and sh*t, perpetuating the pagan pop culture we wannabes still celebrate today.

OTTO returned to the mainland to find his true love, exhausted by many moons of anonymous lovemaking with adoring native virgins. He also brought with him the secret recipes for the many, many exotic drinks he invented while in the islands, including the MAI TAI, from which Bill Graff STOLE his TC moniker outright!

Once he returned the the mainland, leaving behind his many children and worshippers, lonely OTTO decided to invent the TIKI BAR, a place where others could share his many astounding discoveries and intoxicating inventions. Some con artist named Vic ripped him off and then many other cheap imitations sprang up around the globe. Rather than getting mad, the kind and mighty OTTO started a magazine, called TIKI NEWS, to inform the masses of his original concepts. Then his true love BABY DOE came along and tamed Otto's wild spirit(s). He has not been heard from much lately, but his legacy continues.

Now Mike and Martin are creating their own monument to the great OTTO. Actually, OTTO and I stopped by last night and were very impressed with the progress being made. BAMBOO BEN was there all alone, stark naked except for his cowboy boots, drunkenly shooting nails around the room, but he stopped when we walked in. Nice guy. VAN HALEN was blaring from his transitor radio, and empty cans of SPAM and BUD LITE littered the floor. The paisley-patterned wall paper he was attempting to put up was AWESOME! The ambience was glorious and they're not even finished yet! I also noticed Ben had changed the sign from "FI" to "BI", explaining that Conga Mike wanted to switch the name of their bar to BROKEBACK ISLAND which would more accurately describe their project to the masses. Not sure Martin knows about this yet....

Anyway, seriously, this thing, whatever they call it, will kick major ASS, and YES I AM YELLING because I am SO DAMN EXCITED!

And of course, anyone is welcome to camp out on our lawn anytime, we're very humble and nice. I'll just deny any knowledge of you to the cops unless you're SALMA HAYEK (or look a lot like her....)

[ Edited by: AquaZombie 2006-03-16 11:25 ]