Post #327139 by Tiki Lion on Tue, Aug 21, 2007 4:28 PM

Now on to the other business of the thread:

If you sniff at MIL's behavior, the WWJD argument smells like a McGuffin, so:

When primitive "I'm right, you're wrong, 'cause my guru sez so" arguments start flying, it ain't about religion: it's a fight or flight reaction (to visceral fear), with an attempt to trump the fearful object with unassailable divinity. Also if the conversation is about the gods and saints, then I'm out of the picture, and get to survive with my spirit pretty much intact.

Mostly this stuff is outside our awareness when we do it.

Try this one on for size and see if it fits:

1. MIL is having control issues, because
2. MIL is afraid of losing her sense of self, which she partly defines by
3. Being mother (and all that means to her) of her (fantasy) daughter
4. MIL's daughter has not effectively broken MIL's fantasy, most likely because
5. MIL's daughter does not want to hurt MIL by attacking her illusions (attachment to our mothers is almost always pretty powerful), therefore
6. MIL's daughter permits (and may even contribute to whatever degree) MIL to continue the fantasy relationship.

Again, neither may be conscious of this dynamic, and it is most definitely neither's fault: they were built that way. And I may be way wrong.

So what do you do?

1. Be aware that MIL's palace may be built on being mother to her daughter - these are pretty primal behavior patterns, and difficult to bring to awareness.
2. Make sure to remind MIL early and often what a good mother she still is, and mean it each time - this by itself may reassure MIL enough that she can move forward beyond her fantasy relationship, and may make you her best friend. Who knows, she may even take an interest in what you like.
3. Remember that the core issues are not religious - don't even address that one ("Well then that's no McGuffin.").
4. Remember that you don't have to agree in order to listen, and don't have to voice your disagreement; respect for another's putting themselves out there goes a long way. If you hear something that sounds like BS, and argument is not your purpose, ask for clarification or move on.
5. Remember that when someone has control issues, you don't have to give them control, let them have what control is theirs - eventually it gets better, and your relationship will find a truer course.
6. Remember: it isn't about the tikis: the tikis just are. You have nothing to defend, so skip any such nonsense.
7. I'm quite partial to Mai Tais, but many in these threads are much wiser than I am - you should probably ignore everything you just read and ask them.