Post #48602 by Tiki_Bong on Wed, Aug 20, 2003 11:33 AM

Dear friends, how many times have you said "Man, my life is really stuck in neuter, er.. neutral, it's really going nowhere!".

Well now, for a limited time only, you have the opportunity to make your life go nowhere FASTER!

Yes that's right! Bongco Inc is offering the "Bong's Ultimate Treasure Trove Franchise Unabated Creativity Kit" (BUTTFUC... er, nevermind).

Do you have TOO many friends? With the Bong's Ultimate Treasure Trove Franchise Unabated Creativity Kit you'll be dropping those unappreciative 'hangers on' just like Saddam Hussein (one of our first graduates - class of Wednesday).

How does the Bong's Ultimate Treasure Trove Franchise Unabated Creativty Kit work? Well, this is the exciting part! Soon after receiving your BUTTFUC... er nevermind, kit, you'll learn and master all the necessary skills that make the 'Bong Way' such a life experience.

You'll soon develope skills like insulting 'friends' without them ever being sure if they've just been 'dissed' or not! In a matter of days you'll have 'friends' scratching their heads asking themselves "did that extremely talented BONG franchisee just call me an ignominious scorbutic?".

You'll also learn the necessary bar skills such as having to hit the restroom for about a half hour as soon as you eye the waitress bringing the check to your group of 'friends'.

With intrepid skill and finess you'll learn how to be the last one leaving the table in order to deftly cuff the tip money just like a real Las Vegas magician!

With tricks like these up your sleeve, your Bong's Ultimate Treasure Trove Franchise Unabated Creativity Kit will pay for itself within a matter of decades!

Do you rightly feel that society in general has become just a little bit too nice and happy with itself? You'll soon learn the "Bong Way" to 'commit random acts of rudeness' that would bring a smile to Attilla the Hun!

Our deluxe kit contains such 'wake up calls' as the famous Bong "rip one as you leave the elevator and others crowd in", for a ride up in a gas chamber not seen since San Quentin's glory days!

What does the Bong's Ultimate Treasure Trove Franchise Unabated Creativity Kit contain?

Glad you asked! Now stand back little fella! Your kit contains ALL the necessary items to bring you down to the 'Bong Way' in a flash! Items such as: zircon-encrusted tweezers (model 93939-X); nose hair clippers; last year's lotto tickets; trial-size package of Fiber Puffs; used condoms (no holes for your safety!); map of Norway; ear wax sculpture of David; Denture Grip; metal filings; 2 jury summons; bag of Bong's breath; and a free appointment for a blood donation!

How much does my Bong kit cost? This is the easiest part of all! We know you want your kit in a hurry! Who wouldn't?

All you do is take your last W-2, multiply that amount by the median circumference of Encino, divide by the diagenesis basis of radial symmetry, and then simply round up to the next marcelion cormidial interger! It's just that easy!

Now you ask, how do I pay? That's another easy task! Simply provide us with all the credit card numbers in your name, as well as those of your employer and any friends you may have left. In addition, provide all your ATM account numbers and their corresponding PIN numbers. We'll do the rest, what could be easier?

After making your final 63 payments, your Bong's Ultimate Treasure Trove Franchise Unabated Creativity Kit may, more that likely, arrive sometime in THE FUTURE!

Until then, have a "Bong Way" Day!