'Bong' Franchises Available Now!

Dear friends, how many times have you said "Man, my life is really stuck in neuter, er.. neutral, it's really going nowhere!".

Well now, for a limited time only, you have the opportunity to make your life go nowhere FASTER!

Yes that's right! Bongco Inc is offering the "Bong's Ultimate Treasure Trove Franchise Unabated Creativity Kit" (BUTTFUC... er, nevermind).

Do you have TOO many friends? With the Bong's Ultimate Treasure Trove Franchise Unabated Creativity Kit you'll be dropping those unappreciative 'hangers on' just like Saddam Hussein (one of our first graduates - class of Wednesday).

How does the Bong's Ultimate Treasure Trove Franchise Unabated Creativty Kit work? Well, this is the exciting part! Soon after receiving your BUTTFUC... er nevermind, kit, you'll learn and master all the necessary skills that make the 'Bong Way' such a life experience.

You'll soon develope skills like insulting 'friends' without them ever being sure if they've just been 'dissed' or not! In a matter of days you'll have 'friends' scratching their heads asking themselves "did that extremely talented BONG franchisee just call me an ignominious scorbutic?".

You'll also learn the necessary bar skills such as having to hit the restroom for about a half hour as soon as you eye the waitress bringing the check to your group of 'friends'.

With intrepid skill and finess you'll learn how to be the last one leaving the table in order to deftly cuff the tip money just like a real Las Vegas magician!

With tricks like these up your sleeve, your Bong's Ultimate Treasure Trove Franchise Unabated Creativity Kit will pay for itself within a matter of decades!

Do you rightly feel that society in general has become just a little bit too nice and happy with itself? You'll soon learn the "Bong Way" to 'commit random acts of rudeness' that would bring a smile to Attilla the Hun!

Our deluxe kit contains such 'wake up calls' as the famous Bong "rip one as you leave the elevator and others crowd in", for a ride up in a gas chamber not seen since San Quentin's glory days!

What does the Bong's Ultimate Treasure Trove Franchise Unabated Creativity Kit contain?

Glad you asked! Now stand back little fella! Your kit contains ALL the necessary items to bring you down to the 'Bong Way' in a flash! Items such as: zircon-encrusted tweezers (model 93939-X); nose hair clippers; last year's lotto tickets; trial-size package of Fiber Puffs; used condoms (no holes for your safety!); map of Norway; ear wax sculpture of David; Denture Grip; metal filings; 2 jury summons; bag of Bong's breath; and a free appointment for a blood donation!

How much does my Bong kit cost? This is the easiest part of all! We know you want your kit in a hurry! Who wouldn't?

All you do is take your last W-2, multiply that amount by the median circumference of Encino, divide by the diagenesis basis of radial symmetry, and then simply round up to the next marcelion cormidial interger! It's just that easy!

Now you ask, how do I pay? That's another easy task! Simply provide us with all the credit card numbers in your name, as well as those of your employer and any friends you may have left. In addition, provide all your ATM account numbers and their corresponding PIN numbers. We'll do the rest, what could be easier?

After making your final 63 payments, your Bong's Ultimate Treasure Trove Franchise Unabated Creativity Kit may, more that likely, arrive sometime in THE FUTURE!

Until then, have a "Bong Way" Day!

I won't buy unless the package includes your proven technique for insulting peoples mothers and how to make convincing IRS audit threats.

Sorry Bong,
I wish I read this sooner.
I just bought the pirated version of your package on Ebay.

Limptiki,

Might I interest you in the Viagra package?

Can I get X-Ray specs with that?

Or maybe some Ginzu knives?

Hey man- that stuff works, and I don't even need it, although i'm not 17 anymore. In case you are interested, the inspiration for my tag was one of the tikis at that tiki motel in Modesto that seems to be somewhat less vertical than originally designed-- no disrespect intended to anybody who still worships these things.

" finess"?, what are you, some kind of goddamn aircraft mechanic?.Learn to spell you bible thumping ,right wing,oversexed, thinks-he-can-get-away-with-anything-cuz-his-wifes-a-major-babe kind of guy!!!!!!!!!

If we order now, do we get our special limited edition autographed LP of "Bong Sings Romantic Hits of the 60's and 70's"?

Bong,
You must have scored at the "Harvest Festival"!!!! ???

On 2003-08-20 22:04, twowheelin'tiki wrote:
" finess"?, what are you, some kind of goddamn aircraft mechanic?.Learn to spell you bible thumping ,right wing,oversexed, thinks-he-can-get-away-with-anything-cuz-his-wifes-a-major-babe kind of guy!!!!!!!!!

Hanford, Hanford, doesn't this post contain both no-no's - religion and politics? Boot Time!

I ordered "The Deluxe Kit", and it arrived today! All I can say is IT STINKS!...Literally! I think the 'wake up call' with the famous Bong "rip one as you leave the elevator and others crowd in" exploded in transit.....damn those UPS drivers!

I'll let you know how the rest of it is when the smoke (umm...gas) clears.

Bong - I'm still kickin' myself for not jumping on that Heavens Gate thing a few years ago. I could be havin' one hell of a time cruising around the universe on a Hale-Bop comet right now! Not one to make the same mistake twice...sign me up now and bill me later.