"Mai Tai in a blender" (and other tiki nightmares)

It’s true.

There I was last week, strolling along the River Walk in downtown San Antonio, when....I see it. An outside menu with tiki mugs, offering drinks with the name Fogcutter, Planter’s Punch, and, yes, Mai Tai. Eureka! I had found SOMEthing other than margaritas (which I love, mind you).

I scramble up the steps into Hunan River Garden, a generic-looking Chinese restaurant. “Do - do you serve these drinks? Out, out of these mugs?!” I stammer in my excitement. The middle-aged Chinese woman assures me that yes, “We have that one [meaning the mug], and that one, no that one, no that one, “ etc. I ask for the standard – the standard by which I measure a tiki bar: Mai Tai.

I settle into my table back outside, fingering the fake bamboo chairs in approval. I look out over the gentle waves in the water (and the bigger waves of whitebread tourists), near drooling with anticipation of the cloudy red-brown yumminess I’m about to be served.

And then she comes with my drink.

It’s white.

It’s whipped.

It looks like a banana milkshake.

“Um, excuse me. I ordered a Mai Tai.”

“Yes, this Mai Tai.”

“But........it’s white. Is that milk?”

“No, no milk. It’s Mai Tai.”

I go inside and try not to have an argument with the bartender, aka the same middle aged woman who told me they served in the mugs. “But it’s an international drink! It’s a standard recipe! Is yours the normal recipe?”
“It our special recipe – we make it here!”
After some clarification (ok, I was getting near-irate), I get a Fogcutter. But I had to specify: do NOT put it in a blender.

Yes, a blender. “We put all our drinks in blender. We sell lotta Mai Tais. Very popular drink.”

I did finally sniff the milkshake-looking concoction, and indeed, it did smell like a Mai Tai. Maybe I shoulda tried it. But I just couldn’t, you know? Could you drink a blended rum and Coke? A blended Scotch on the rocks? A blended martini?

To end on a positive note, my Fogcutter (which did taste as I remember Fogcutters are supposed to taste) got me quite buzzed. Yeah, it was on an empty stomach and I’m kinda a lightweight, but it only took one – I had to walk around for another hour before I drove back to the dorms.

(Who was it on here who had little pocket sized tiki drink recipes? I would have given my eyeteeth for one at that bar.......)

did you get to keep the mug?

elicia
who's chuckling to herself ~ chinese waiters, not exactly customer service oriented.

On 2004-06-24 23:10, Formikahini wrote:
A blended Scotch on the rocks?

Seeing as how I love Scotch (I have 4x as many bottles than rums, I have to admit :roll: ) And I am a Slurpee addict... HHMmmm
What was the problem again?

Oh yeah. The first time I went to Chin's (the Other Chin's, not ChinTiki) the served our drinks blended, in fact about 1/3 of the Chinese joints around here do.

-Z

I see Bartels and James carry a Blue Hawaii flavored Wine Cooler, any takers?

gag

have you all noticed that the "wine" coolers no longer contain wine like in the old days? now it's basically a processed "malt product" i.e. they filter the beery flavor out of some beer and sugar and flavor it up. erg...

mai tai slurpees would be cool from 7-11, but a restaurant?... naw...

p.s. "mai tai in a blender..." i could see morrisey remaking "girlfriend in a coma" with those lyrics...

i know it's serious...

:drink:

[ Edited by: Johnny Dollar on 2004-06-25 07:30 ]

Jesus H Christ, what kind of alcoholic are you? You've got booze in hand, drink it up! :) It might have been a bastardization of a classic drink, but after a couple, would it have mattered?

A few years ago I went into an old Chinese restaurant in Fairfield, Ca that had a lounge. I noticed two coconut mugs on a back shelf and asked if she could make a couple Mai-Tais and put them in the coconuts. "Yes" the bartender answered and she washed years of dust off the mugs and went to work. About halfway through the process of pouring booze, etc, she took the mugs into the back room (who do they think they are-the MAI-KAI!?!?!) and returned a few minutes later with the "mai-tais". We looked down at the mugs and could see the remnants of RED POWDER on the inside rim of the mugs. We took a couple gulps and...these two drinks became THE WORST I have ever had!!!
I made a new "rule" because of this; if I am not sure of the ability of a bartender to make a Polynesian cocktail, NEVER order two of the same. They BOTH might suck!!! If I am feeling REALLY timid, I might just order "rum and orange juice" or something failsafe like that. Now for some good tiki drinks in Portland this weekend...Cheers!!! :)

When it comes to ordering Mai Tai's, my standard rule of thumb is to ask the bartender what they put in it. As soon as I hear the word Grenadine... I change my mind and order a Margarita. If they hesitate... I change my mind and order a Margarita. So far I have had two bartenders say that the recipe was a secret - and both times I wasn't let down.

No, Dogbytes, I didn't get to keep the mug (had all of 'em they had, anyway).

Johnny Dollar, I am in tears with your new Morrisey song (and accompanying artwork!). PerFECtion.

Iolani, sounds like you need a new Smiths song to replace "Hand in Glove":"Booze in Hand."

MrSmiley and MachTiki: sage advice from both of you, and I think you both understand my fear: I did NOT want a Mai Tai in any form to be The Worst Drink I Had Ever Tasted. Save that title for a rancid wine cooler, a screwdriver made with bad o.j., or wine-gone-vinegar.

Not The Sacred Mai Tai.

in the islands if someone handed us what looked to be blended shave ice, we take um.
and if they said da buggah was a maitai insai...
gone in ten seconds.
another please?!

The place that has my favorite Mai Tai doesn't tell what it in them.

They are very seacrative about it. Which is weird because it's a small Chinese restarunt.

Was once called TIKI Lau and was very Polinesian looking, now it's called Wayloon and isn't very TIKI at all. But the food is MUCH better then it once was.

I'm not sure if the American Bartenders even know what's in the Mai Tai. They use three white plastic bottles, maybe they are mixed by managment, so the bartenders down't know how to do it.

I had a Mai Tai at another place this week and it was probibly made with the same stuff but wasn't as good. Maybe the used Cheep rum.

Hey Formikahini, theres a bar over here you must check out when you're here. Their Mai-Tai will definately wash that bad experience from your taste buds, its the best I've ever had.

On 2004-06-25 07:22, naugatiki wrote:
I see Bartels and James carry a Blue Hawaii flavored Wine Cooler, any takers?

...and dont forget Boones Farm. They have a Blue Hawaiian drink.
I am tempted to try it but hey I drink coors light now and then too. Thank god for Chasers.

I'm with Iolani on this one. Drink up!

Not a Tiki story, but a bad drink one. The last time I was in San Jose, I drove by an old bar called Jacks and decided to check it out. Nothing too special inside, a little updated but still has a fair amount of "old bar feel". I decided to order a Manhattan and I ask the bar tender what well Bourbon they use. For the next two or three minutes she is looking behind the bar and back bar and eventually comes back and says that they have no Bourbon-surprised i ask "you don't even have Jim Beam??". She continues to look for another two minutes or so and returns with a "no". I decide to get a Tanquery Martini instead. She chills the glass (a good sign) and then looks for the Dry Vermouth. Another minute or two of searching and I speak up and tell her where the bottle is. She pours the iced water out of the Martini glass and proceeds to pour the Gin straight into the glass. Then she adds a float of the Dry Vermouth. No shaking or stirring in ice, no mixing at all! She brings me the drink, and I ask if she has any olives...another minute or two of searching in the big fridge and she comes back with a "no". It was weird to have a (basically) room temperature Martini!
At least she was a friendly and apologetic bartender! Cheers!!

I had possibly the worst Mai-tai's last night at a place that usually knows better. I made the mistake of ordering the made-from-scratch Mai Tai. The first one was "sharp" tasting and I sent it back and the second one didn't agree with me either. The bartender was a relatively new employee there and she acknowledged that she rarely made them from scratch so she wanted to know how it turned out. That is one reason why I turned back the first one. I know I didn't do her any favors by not turning back the second one, because she really is striving to do a good job. I didn't have the heart to tell her the other one was off, too. It almost seemed that if she mixed the two together she would have had it. It was an off night for this establishment on the SF side of the bay so that is why I am not mentioning the name. She needs more experience in making the by-scratch Mai Tai. They were both RAZZ!

On 2006-05-18 16:12, mrsmiley wrote:
It was an off night for this establishment on the SF side of the bay so that is why I am not mentioning the name. She needs more experience in making the by-scratch Mai Tai. They were both RAZZ!

give us a hint at least

I have personally not had a proper Mai Tai served to me in ANY establishment. Of course, I'm not on the West Coast and not near any Trader Vic's, so I'm a bit handicapped. Fearing the wrath of the tiki gods, even the Mai Kai doesn't serve a proper Mai Tai.

Reading all these makes me say "Thank the tiki gods" that I hired an old Trader Vic's manager to train us all in the art of the proper Mai Tai and other drinks.

Robert
Done digging. The sunken bar is 18" deep, like a large swimming pool.

On 2006-05-18 16:12, mrsmiley wrote:
I had possibly the worst Mai-tai's last night at a place that usually knows better.

You mean they finally gave Lars a night off? :D

Why didn't I think of this sooner? The Hu Ke Lau in Chicopee is widely known for having atrociously bad drinks. (Ranging from OK to mildly spiked Kool-Aid.) I just sent a copy of Beachbum Berry's Intoxica to them anonymously! I got a used copy from Amazon and the whole thing cost me less than $10.

C'mon everybody--send a Grog Log or Intoxica to your favorite lame-o tiki bar. Better to light a single candle than curse the darkness.

On 2006-05-18 16:39, GatorRob wrote:
I have personally not had a proper Mai Tai served to me in ANY establishment. Of course, I'm not on the West Coast and not near any Trader Vic's, so I'm a bit handicapped. Fearing the wrath of the tiki gods, even the Mai Kai doesn't serve a proper Mai Tai.

The best Mai-Tai I have been served is from my home bar. I stand on one side of the bar and make a show of mixing it. Then I walk to the other side of the bar and toast myself for such a great show. I only get to do this once or twice before I run into myself coming around the bar....

And, as to Mai-Tai's at the Mai-Kai: the secret it to order the Mai-Tai's when you sit down to dinner. The guys in the back bar (for the dinning room) make a superior drink when compared to the staff in the bar in the Molokai. When you are in the Molokai, order a Jet Pilot or Yeoman's Grog. When you sit down to dinner, order two or three Mai-Tai's.

On 2006-05-18 16:39, GatorRob wrote:
I have personally not had a proper Mai Tai served to me in ANY establishment. Of course, I'm not on the West Coast and not near any Trader Vic's, so I'm a bit handicapped. Fearing the wrath of the tiki gods, even the Mai Kai doesn't serve a proper Mai Tai.

GatorRob -- take a drive up to Atlanta sometime to the Trader Vic's in the Hilton downtown. Joel makes the best Mai Tai I've ever had. Salaam makes a pretty good one, too, but Joel's rock. Yeah, it's a bit of a haul to drive for a drink, but go up for a Tiki Torch Night or some other event. Or, just take a weekend mini-vacation, do some fun Hot-lanta stuff during the day, and hang at the Trader Vic's in the evenings. I think they're $7.50, but all you need are about 2 or 3 to get a REALLY good buzz happening.

Joel gets my vote as bartender of the year. Every year...

Hey Jay G
Is that Tiki Lau in Amesbury , Mass you are referring to?

And, as to Mai-Tai's at the Mai-Kai: the secret it to order the Mai-Tai's when you sit down to dinner. The guys in the back bar (for the dinning room) make a superior drink when compared to the staff in the bar in the Molokai. When you are in the Molokai, order a Jet Pilot or Yeoman's Grog. When you sit down to dinner, order two or three Mai-Tai's.

You're putting me on... Really? If anything, I would have guessed the drinks at the bar would be superior to those served in the dining rooms. Go figure. Well, next time, I will take your experienced advice and give it a try! (Which, by the way, is coming right up. See separate thread HERE).

On 2006-05-20 12:36, Kanekila wrote:
GatorRob -- take a drive up to Atlanta sometime to the Trader Vic's in the Hilton downtown. Joel makes the best Mai Tai I've ever had. Salaam makes a pretty good one, too, but Joel's rock. Yeah, it's a bit of a haul to drive for a drink, but go up for a Tiki Torch Night or some other event. Or, just take a weekend mini-vacation, do some fun Hot-lanta stuff during the day, and hang at the Trader Vic's in the evenings. I think they're $7.50, but all you need are about 2 or 3 to get a REALLY good buzz happening.

Joel gets my vote as bartender of the year. Every year...

Yeah, some day we will. We've been to Atlanta several times, but never to Trader Vic's (shame on me, I know). I have no doubt their Mai Tai is spot on. Or at least as good as mine. :wink:

I was just in Vegas for a Vendor Conference where the vendor hosted a dinner at Cili at the Bali Hai Golf Club. Since the place was located on a golf course called Bali Hai I thought I'd check out their Mai Tai, so I asked the Bartender what was in his Mai Tai and he responds "Malibu Rum, Chambord..." and stopped him right there. Instead I asked for a Dirty Martini and ended up with a light pour of Vodka, no Vermouth, & 3 shots of Olive Juice in a plastic glass full of ice chips. I asked for a Classic Manhattan, and he grabbed the Jack Daniel's and added Dry Vermouth & a cherry, no Bitters or Orange Peel (this actually wasn't bad, but it wasn't a Manhattan). I stuck to Beer after that.

heh, i drive by that place every day. i always wondered if cili was at all tiki in any way. it's a wolfgang puck place. i heard the food was good, all of his places are, but i doubted the tikiness of it. good to know, i'll keep on driving by every day.

next time you're in town hit the bellagio privee, the high rollers lounge. they make authentic TV mai tais. they're a little pricey $12, but excellent.

oh lord, I've learned my lesson not to order mai tai's at regular bars. one was chalky pink ( I think it was made with pepto bismal). funny thing bout that martini story, I had the same experience at a campus bar here. plastic cup half vodka half vermouth and plenty of ice ( no olive though).

On 2006-06-15 11:28, pdrake wrote:
heh, i drive by that place every day. i always wondered if cili was at all tiki in any way. it's a wolfgang puck place. i heard the food was good, all of his places are, but i doubted the tikiness of it. good to know, i'll keep on driving by every day.

The food was very good (Kobe Beef "Sliders" with carmelized onions & bleu cheese. Homemade garlic, herb & oil marinaded olives. Prime Rib sandwiches. Red Curry beef & Chicken in Peanut Sauce Sates). Unfortunately the decoration was generic Indonesian: Balinese carvings, lots of elephants, some nice wood and rich cloth, beaded lamps & inlaid tabletop mosaics, a reef tank, and a trickling waterfall/wall-fountain. There's exactly 3 tikis in the entire place: 6" tall identical brass/bronze Ku heads that are part of the hall furniture installed along the right hand wall just inside the entrance. the most interesting thing about the decoration were the Porte Cochere chandeliers that looked like glowing lava rocks bound in metal.

On 2004-06-25 07:22, naugatiki wrote:
I see Bartels and James carry a Blue Hawaii flavored Wine Cooler, any takers?

I tried it...along with the red one that I don't recall what it was called either, but after one sip of each, I thought I was drinking windex. Needless to say, we promptly poured the remaider down the drain. Bllllleeeeeeeeeecccccccckkkkk!

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[ Edited by: TikiTikiTavi 2006-06-20 14:19 ]