Adventures of the Coco-Not

Adventures of the Coco-Not

I loathe coconut.
Really.
Within the entire sphere of tropical drink ingredients, I cannot think of one flavor that I would less rather indulge in. Off hand, it's the only aspect of the tropical drink canon that I don't like at all, actually. I adore pineapple, limes work well for me, and rum... yeah... rum.... mmmm.
But get those coconuts the hell away from me, you damned dirty ape.
Coconuts are good for two things: bras, and medieval horse galloping sound effects. That's about it.
But, in my quest to complete the entire Grog Log and Intoxica canon at home, I knew that sooner or later, I'd have to face the music and invest in a can of Coco Lopez Coconut Cream. I've had these books since the early-mid 2000s, and my remaining list of unmixed drink options is getting short. It was time to meet Mr. Lopez. I spotted some in the store recently, and did the unthinkable: I bought it. After spending about three months staring at it, working up the nerve to dive in and start exploring all of the Berry-approved drinks that called for this stuff, I chose a free weekend, invited Gal Friday Night 'round my swanky pad, and started making coconutty drinks. Swearing to myself that I'd keep an open mind, I made every drink with every bit of the care and quality that I could muster. Otherwise, what would be the point? There will be no half-cocked coconut drinks in my cocktail kitchen, ever.

So:

COCONAUT (Re-Entry version)

What better way to start than with a drink served in a vintage Orchids of Hawaii R- bowl, with a flaming lime rind in the middle? And anyway, the name is a perfect description of this adventurer: I am the "coco-not".

This drink is meant to be huge, so I cut the recipe in half, and went for it. I didn't have the exact rum specified, so I went Pampero Anniversario, just because I like it, and it is close enough for rock and roll to a Jamaican style. Basically.
We blended this sucker until it had a nice thick slushy consistency to it. Tasting, it, I was assaulted by the unholy coconut flavor, but I resigned myself to appreciating this drink on its own merits.
The honest truth is, that this drink is fairly simple, and probably needs another layer. Coconut, lime, and rum - a good start, but I'm looking for some zing. It needs one more ingredient, something interesting to add complexity. The rum choice is nearly irrelevant here, because it is buried under slushy nuttiness: just use a good one. The Pampero was just fine.

AURORA BORA BOREALIS

Went with the Pampero again. I am actually not a huge fan of blending rums. Even if a recipe calls for it, I can usually find a single rum that splits the difference. Don't get me wrong, I will do two or more rums on occasion when I think it is justified, but often I find that one nice, higher-end rum has all the complexity needed, and the blend becomes redundant.

So, this drink suffers from proportion issues. It should be fine with Lopez, lime, orange juice, Orgeat, and rum(s), but the flavors just sort of muddle together, and the drink doesn't seem to have an identity. It's sort of brown - not in color necessarily, but in flavor.

PAINKILLER

Ah, here is tonight's home run.
I might have added an extra shake of cinnamon to the top, but that just enhanced the nose. Right?
Pineapple juice, deep dark rum, Lopez, and orange juice, with the almighty shakes of cinnamon and nutmeg on top. And then further shakes in the morning from the DTs, when you're craving another of these sunsabiches.
Berry suggests blending this one iceless, and then pouring it over ice. I'm thinking that it might be better shaken with the crushed ice and poured into the glass, then add garnish (including cinnamon and nutmeg shakes).
It tasted a little too lukewarm when first served at room temperature.

COCONUT WILLIE

Before I even made this drink, as I was reading the recipe, I knew it would suck. I thought to myself: "Oh Jeff, my dear, friend, how could you besmirch your own reputation by including this profanity in your holy tome"?
But I knew the answer.
On a mission to compile a complete repository of as many classic-era recipes as possible, to preserve them for posterity, and to build a portfolio of the Tropical Drink as it was made in our grandparent's era, a few questionable recipes are going to have crept in, but they must - must, I say - be included for the sake of completeness. Consider my own tome, Tiki Road Trip. There are a few truly crappy bars in that book. But the aim of the book was to be as comprehensive as I could make it. That means including the bad right along with the good. For every Mai Kai out there, there are ten Florida-style parrot shacks lurking in landlocked Missouri malls. But if they nailed a tiki to the wall, then I listed them. It was my duty.
And thus, the Coconut Willie is the equivalent. Don't get me wrong; I love gin. Dear sweet Mohammed, do I ever love gin. But this combo - gin, Lopez, and Cointreau - well, to say it doesn't work is a crass understatement. This was the only truly undrinkable brew in the bunch. Can I say that it gave me the Willies? I duped some citrus into it. I dumped some cherry brandy into it. I tried some biters... and then it just got ridiculous. Adding good stuff on top of a crap drink is almost never going to save it.

Time for bed.

Figured I'd reconvene the next night, and then I discovered two things:
First, I had more Lopez left over than I thought (that can didn't look that big...), and The Bum had more recipes left over than I thought.

And this Lopez business -- what's the deal, man?
Let's face it: whether you like coconut or not, this stuff is full of preservatives and other questionable nonsense. Maybe using some sort of fresh coconut milk and adding simple syrup and/or some additional cream might be a better choice, kind of like making your own sweet-and-sour out or lemon juice and simple syrup. I don't know, someone who is a coconut lover might want to figure this out.

So, with plenty of Lopez and a whopping eight more recipes left to go, I thought: damn...I have to make more drinks.
That always sucks, you know.
And this time, I'd be on my own: Gal Friday Night couldn't handle the Lopez drinks any more. That meant I'd be drinking twice as much, since I wouldn't be sharing the drinks.
Or, I could make half-recipes.
Oh, wait, isn't that illegal?

TOWER ISLE

This one is actually well balanced and makes a good dessert drink.
I'd use a more complex and interesting rum than the specified light Puerto Rican, and I'd also use a better quality chocolate liqueur than just Creme de Cacao. Why not bust out the Zacapa and Godiva?
The balance is good; but the rum content could even be upped to a full ounce in my estimation.

COCONUT KALLALOO

This drink uses the exact same ingredients as Coconaut, but with different proportions, and a different suggested rum. I switched to St. James Extra Old (again, not the exact specified rum, but as close as I had). This one is better balanced than Coconaut. More refreshing. The lime is more present, the coconut is less overwhelming, and the rum is allowed to shine a little more. Use your better rum on this one, and your lesser rum on the Coconaut.

CHIEF'S CALABASH

Ok, the ingredients here are: sweet, sweet, and sweet. This drink was (are you sitting down) way too sweet. Used a balance of half simple syrup and half fresh lemon as my sour mix, and used Landy VS cognac instead of Okolehao. Oh, how I long for some Okolehao. Since Berry recommends substituting brandy for the unavailable Okolehao, I considered using Pisco (which is, after all, a brandy made with white grapes). But when most people specify simply "brandy" in a recipe, it's the French-style (i.e cognac) they are thinking of. Landy is the basic mixing (non-sipping) cognac that I happened to have handy. But even with pisco - or Okolehao - this drink is still going to just be all about the sugar.

MAUNA KEA MIST

Had to cheat on this one, because I didn't have any half and half, or cream.
Used the same lemon-simple combo for my sweet-and-sour, and used Cruzan silver as my light Puerto Rican (as I did with Tower Isle). Figured I couldn't taste the difference at this point anyway. Even without the thick and dense texture that the cream would have added, this one is pretty good. It's also pretty sweet, but the pineapple and Gran Marnier play well together, and the coconut adds a third dimension. I like Gran Marnier much better than Cointreau; it has more orange flavor and a bitter note from the peel that I like. Cointreau can be too sickly-sweet and tastes more artificial to me. Making this drink again, I'd consider not using sweet-and-sour at all, and just using 1/2 oz. lemon juice (skip the simple syrup half). This drink is also especially light on the booze; I'd up the Marnier a little bit and double the rum content, and then see where we land. That's IF I was ever going to by more Lopez and try any of these drinks ever again...

Victory Lap

Had just enough Lopez left for one more drink.
I probably didn't need it.
Considered a second Painkiller, as it was the clear winner of the entire lot. Also considered trying my revision of Mauna Kea Mist.

Then I decided that I was kind of wasted, and really burned out on a flavor that I loathe to start with.

So I poured the last ounce or so of Coco Lopez down the sink and said goodbye to most of these drinks forever.

But wait...

There are still four more drinks that call for it!

Here’s my list of excuses -

FLAMING COFFEE GROG:
I don't ever drink coffee, so I didn’t have any handy.
Anyway, two things that I never touch (coffee and coconut) in the same drink, might be more than I could reasonably expected to maintain an open mind about. A man has limits.

COCO-BO
Uh, there's no booze in this one. Go away.

BANANA BOAT
Who the hell actually keeps a supply of banana liqueur in their bar?

MACADAMIA NUT CHI CHI / DTB CHI CHI
This was less about not having macadamia nut liqueur and more about the fact that I just don't do vodka.

Great post !! It requires a soundtrack...

http://new.music.yahoo.com/john-paul/tracks/big-brown-nut--6444706

I hate the "Big Brown Nut" as well. Thanks for letting us share your journey without having to imbibe in "bad" cocktails first-hand.

(Also thank you for spotlighting my beloved Galley in your recent Tiki Magazine article. Pre-Tiki Rules !!)

Sometimes you feel like a nut...

I have t respectfully disagree on coconut...I LOVE it.

Especially Coconut Rum.

Darn, I happen to love coconut flavored drinks, I love the flavor the smell and just about everything about it. one of my all time favorite Grog Log drinks is Aurora Bora Borealis. But I enjoyed reading your thread. Now I am curious and want to try some of the other ones that you listed and I will be listening to some Hawaiian music as I make these...

Great topic. Thanks for test drive on all of the cocktails. I like coconut on occasion. I guess if the mood swings toward sweet or tart is the deciding factor. One thing I do with the Lopez is let the can sit in warm water for awhile before I open it and then pour it into another container and stir the hell out of it before I add it to a drink. The wife loves any cocktail with coconut in it. My pick out of the lot would also be the Painkiller blended version. Now if I could just get some swallows to deliver some fresh coconuts I'd be all set.

I'm pretty much in agreement with you James, at least as far as the coconut drinks are concerned. Coconut cake? Yes. Coconut cream pie? Oh, baby, yes! But coconut in my rum drink? Not so much. My problem with it is two-fold: One, it tends to overpower the rum and my preference is always for drinks that let the rum shine through. And two, it adds a boatload of saturated fat to a drink that's already loaded with calories. Yeah, I know, must of you will say "who cares?", but the health-conscious side of me wins out on this one. I'd prefer to get my saturated fat from crab rangoon, than you very much.

Your post also brings up a valid point about the drinks in Grog Log and Intoxica. Nobody will sing Jeff Berry's praises louder than me for finding and preserving these recipes from the past, but to my taste buds, so many of them fall short for one reason or another. There are some genuine classics in there, but the klunkers are a-plenty too. If I can look at a recipe and it doesn't sound good on the page, it usually isn't, and life is just too short to be wasting good rum. It's all subjective of course...

And yes, banana liqueur. BLECK!

I enjoy coconut in many ways, including tiki drinks, but I do not like it in most food, which is why I'm not a big fan of Thai cuisine. I have yet to ever have a Thai dish that had coconut in it that I could stand. I do like coconut shrimp, so it does not apply to all food, just most.

But for someone into tiki drinks who does not like coconut, it has to be really weird, like an olympic swimmer who can't stand the smell of chlorine. 8)

Tikibars, your post is hysterical. For many years I hated coconut because as a kid the only coconut I ever had was in Mounds bars and those scrapings on top of cupcakes. Candied coconut - BLECCH! Way back in 1975 (I was 10 or 11) my family went to the premiere of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" and everyone in the theater got a free coconut! The next day, I took a hammer and busted mine open and tried real coconut for the first time. It wasn't bad. Not bad at all. In fact, I thought it was pretty damn good. These days I enjoy the occassional coconut cocktail - daiquiri, coco loco, etc. And if they're served in a coconut with the meat inside, all the better. But I still can't stand Mounds or Almond Joy. Blecch again.

On 2010-06-08 22:03, tikibars wrote:

"Who the hell actually keeps a supply of banana liqueur in their bar?"

Uh, heh, heh, where'd that bottle come from? :roll:

On 2010-06-09 09:48, Limbo Lizard wrote:

On 2010-06-08 22:03, tikibars wrote:

"Who the hell actually keeps a supply of banana liqueur in their bar?"

Uh, heh, heh, where'd that bottle come from? :roll:

Guilty. I have all manner of random booze (plum vodka, anyone?) as a result of finding recipes here and there and deciding I MUST TRY THIS IMMEDIATELY! Soooo...yeah. Banana liqueur. Among other things.

That said, I love me some coconut. In all forms - even Mounds bars, heaven help me.

[ Edited by: Hibiscus 2010-06-09 10:41 ]

Yes, Hibiscus, that's how I've ended up with quite an interesting collection of bottles that don't get used very often, too.
In our defense, keeping "a supply of banana liqueur in [our] bar" amounts to buying just one bottle - which is a lifetime supply.

The fact that you took the time to mix all those drinks for the good of mankind and posted your results is outstanding. So, to each his own and that's what is so great about tropical drinks, so many choices!

Me? I love coconut. Give me an Almond Joy, Mounds or the cake from a Texas housewife called "German Chocolate" and I'm in heaven.

BTW, my wife is with you, she can't stand coconut.

On 2010-06-09 11:30, Limbo Lizard wrote:
Yes, Hibiscus, that's how I've ended up with quite an interesting collection of bottles that don't get used very often, too.
In our defense, keeping "a supply of banana liqueur in [our] bar" amounts to buying just one bottle - which is a lifetime supply.

Funny about that - I just had an "oh-the-irony" experience with both my banana and melon liqueurs. I had a bunch of both that I'd tried in one or two drinks, and now I had these not-particularly-awesome leftovers. When I decided to throw my annual tiki bash this year, I thought "Aha! I can use those in various signature drinks and be done with them! Clever me!"

Except not so much. In my test kitchen, trying out new formulas, I pretty much used up most of both. Which meant I had to go back out and BUY new bottles of each for the drinks I'd come up with.

And tikibars, your dedication is inspiring! To plow through all those coconut recipes in the name of...we'll call it "science"... is to be commended!

[ Edited by: Hibiscus 2010-06-09 13:07 ]

Put me in the "love that coconut rum" category as well. And most of the time I do like coconut in a lot of foods & drinks, but sometimes shaved coconut can be disgusting; that earlier mention of German Chocolate Cake gave me a full body shudder. It reminded me of a description of shaved coconut I read in a book called "Candyfreak" and I think it perfectly sums up the way I feel, too:

"...It's like chewing on fingernail clippings."

Great post tikibars :lol:

*On 2010-06-09 04:36, uncle trav wrote:*One thing I do with the Lopez is let the can sit in warm water for awhile before I open it and then pour it into another container and stir the hell out of it before I add it to a drink.

Yup, I did this too!

Thanks for the can to container stir tip!

Now we need a coconut-lover to mix all these drinks and post his/her opinions of each of these drinks and compare them to the critique given by the self-proclaimed coconut-hater for a balance.

Good Idea Grog! be right over.....