Pappy Takes a Bartending Course

I will try to keep this post on-topic tiki-wise. At least I'll try to make it interesting. As the local vocational high school is just three minutes from home, I couldn't resist signing up for the 8-week bartending course they offer. I thought you rum heads might appreciate knowing what they teach at one of things.

WEEK 1 -
Met the instructor. He talked and talked about being a bartender for thirty years, how he's burned out, getting a divorce and how he lives with his mother. Then, we went around class and introduced ourselves. I've decided to keep a low profile in class and make like Sgt. Schultz at all times.

Interesting things I learned:

1. how to pronounce orgeat: (OR-geet)
2. how to pronounce curaçao : (KRAK-ow)
   3)if you get job in a chinese restaurant, you'll probably have to make a Mai Tai the incorrect way they tell you, not the incorrect way they tell you in the Old Mr. Boston guide
3. If you make a Fuzzy Navel in New England, it doesn't have vodka in it. If you put vodka in it, it's called a Hairy Navel. Bleaaah.
4. if you're working with a bartender who's really crummy, it's OK not to share tips with him

Next week we start learning 20 drinks including the "Woo Woo". Woo Woo? More next week!

Lie low, keep an eye on the guards....

Pass it down the line, when they get to the Margeurita Slushy Machine...

That is when we will RISE UP!

Take the guards first! Take no prisoners and burn the Hairy Navel Recipe first!

And then, suddenly....

Good luck and enjoy the ride. And try not to laugh too hard when they get to the rum drinks...

orgeat: (OR-je-aa)
curaçao : (kur-ra-saow)

"3)if you get job in a chinese restaurant, you'll probably have to make a Mai Tai the incorrect way they tell you, not the incorrect way they tell you in the Old Mr. Boston guide"

Thats the same with any bar you work in; historical recipes, correct recipes etc do not matter, you are like a chef, you do what the Head Chef says, and you use only their recipes.

You're NOT actually PAYING for this course are you, Pappy?

GH

Ha ha! I have a feeling this is going to be a fun 8 weeks, especially for those of us who don't actually have to go.

Pappy looks like you'll be mixing drinks if we end up having a room party at Hukilau. My skills will be totally inferior by the time you've completed your training - then again I have a feeling you may have to "unlearn what you have learned".

At last, we have succeeded in planting a mole within the evil bartender empire! Promote the Tiki Cocktail Manifesto, pappy! Try to surpass advanced mixology techniques wherever they are implemented! Work towards a more powerful Navy Grog!

GH--yes, I had to pay but it does get me out of the house.

Oh, yeah. one more thing I learned yesterday: If you wanna make a "fancy" margarita, you can use Rose's lime juice instead of sour mix.

OR-geet? KRAK-ow?!? Rose's Lime in a "fancy" Margarita? How do you manage to keep a straight face?

Ask him how he pronounces Cointreau. This should be good.

Ask him if a martini is made with vodka.

Ask him: "Would you rather be shaken or stirred?"

GH

Pappy - are those tears streaming down your cheeks from the strain of stifled laughter, or from the grief of all those innocent drinks being slaughtered?

Before I start: The instructor can pronounce Cointreau. He went on a tirade about people who don't know what a martini is (gin and vermouth) but then he UNdid what he had just mended by going off on how picky martini people could be about their drinks. Then he got a half point BACK by picking on the guy who got snooty about his bar not having "pomegranite vodka".

Week 2: General ramblings about being a bartender. He then read to us (ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzz....)the recipes for twenty of the fifty most popular drinks (in the central MA area).

Interesting things I learned:

1. doctors, lawyers, accountants, insurance people, car dealers are the worst tippers
2. cops, firemen, construction workers and funeral directors are the best tippers
3. people are always trying to steal your corkscrew.(!) Try to keep it on your person.
4. mixers are anything non-alcoholic that you put in a drink
   a) juices: orange, grapefruit, pineapple, cranberry and tomato juice are the juices you will use
   b) I am able to control from screaming when lemon and lime are left out of the juice list
5. when someone asks for tonic, they don't mean they want soda or pop in their drink (You'll have to take my word for this. In Worcester County, "tonic" is a synonym for soda or pop, esp. with older people)
6. grenadine is cherry-flavored syrup made only by Rose's
7. rocks are ice cubes
   8)liquor proportions in drinks don't matter too much except for a few drinks like the Martini and Manhattan
8. in MA, any liquor you serve in a bar must be puchased from a licensed distributor. If the owner sends you in the back with a funnel, empty bottles & liquor from the NH state liquor store, lock the door!
9. Choosing a glass is easy!
   Any mixed drink goes in a highball glass (10 oz)
   Any drink with just hooch or teensy amount of mixer--rocks glass (5 oz)
   Small drinks go in a cocktail or "up" glass.
   Big drinks go in a shaker
   Teensy drinks go in a shot glass.
10. Most small bars fill their top shelf bottles with whatever swill they can get for as long as they can get away with it. (We all knew this but it still hurts to know it for sure...)

First 20 drinks: Black Russian, Bloody Mary, Cape Codder, Mudslide, Fuzzy Navel, Greyhound, Kamikaze, Long Island Iced Tea, Madras, Melon Ball, Pearl Harbor, Screwdriver, Sea Breeze, Sex on the Beach, Vodka Collins (made with sour mix--yum!), Vodka Gimlet, White Russian, Frozen Mudslide, Hawaiian Seabreeze and the Woo Woo.

I don't really want to go anymore.

Sounds like you may get lessons on how to scoop ice and pour out of a bottle. Proper shaking. Wiping the bar with a rag. Filling the bin with ice and getting a barback to do it... Lots of great bartending stuff... Got the money up front... He'll save the story about how he served a drink to Christie Brinkley for last...

On 2006-09-20 11:24, pappythesailor wrote:
....I don't really want to go anymore.

Please keep going! I can't wait for week three! Maybe he is saving the best drinks and recipes for last......

Yes, please keep going. I can't wait to learn how to make a Mai Tai!

NOW I remember why I defected from Massachusetts in '75!

GH

Us Mainers seceded in 1820. :)

..sbim

And then we became the first state to enact statewide prohibition 30 years later. Dirigo again...

myers

Week 3:

Took quiz on first 20 drinks. Went over same. Instructor tried again to sell us the TIPS class (Training on Intervention Procedures for Servers of alcohol) which is another $40 on top of this lousy class and five hours of my life. We spent the rest of the class writing as he dicated twenty more drink recipes to us. After last night I felt guilty just being there; like it was pickpocketing class or something. We still have not touched any bar equipment.

Interesting things I learned:

1. alcohol goes into the shaker before the juice or mixers
2. it is legal in the state of Connecticut to buy your minor child an alcoholic beverage in a restaurant, bar or club
3. Bacardi, Captain Morgan and Malibu are your primary rums (sob...sob...)
4. Your primary whiskeys are VO, CC and 7&7 (sic)
5. a rum and Coke is also called a "Cuba Libra" (sic)
6. all sours are served either in a highball or cocktail glass
7. an Old Fashioned is served in a rocks glass
8. Need to find out what drinks are served in Old Fashioned and Sour glasses...
9. sour mix can and apparently is used to replace lemon and lime juice AND simple syrup
10. I really, really don't want to go anymore.

Next twenty drinks: Gimlet, Martini, Gibson, Cosmopolitan, Tom Collins, Sloe Gin Fizz, Bacardi Cocktail, Daiquiri, Frozen Daiquiri, Whiskey Sour, Irish Coffee, Manhattan, Highball, Presbyterian, Old Fashioned, Rob Roy, Rusty Nail, Amaretto Sour, Toasted Almond, (Kahlua) Sombrero

So that's why my drinks always taste bad! It's cause I don't always add the alcohol first! Damn it! Wait, my drinks don't taste bad.....
Are you sure that guys telling the truth, Pappy? :)

I think we have hit on the reason that most drinks that you get in most bars these days pretty much SUCK!

yo Pappy
I think you need to start up a tiki drink bartending course.....

Aloha :drink:

[ Edited by: Tiki Pop 2006-09-27 21:01 ]

On 2006-09-27 09:17, pappythesailor wrote:
Week 3:

Took quiz on first 20 drinks. Went over same. Instructor tried again to sell us the TIPS class (Training on Intervention Procedures for Servers of alcohol) which is another $40 on top of this lousy class and five hours of my life.

TIPS class, what will they think of next? Maybe I could be the teacher for the SAP class. (Sexual Abstanance for Prostitutes)
If you are a bartender you serve me drinks if I am of legal drinking age. If I have "too many" I walk home or call a cab. No intervention is required.

I have an SAP button on my TV. I always wondered what that did.

What's funny is that the list of drinks he' sgiving you are never used. Have you ever in your life heard someone order a Rob Roy or a Old Fashioned? That is part of the list of long lost drinks like the Ward Eight, etc. He might as well be teaching you the names of Presidents... It would be more effective to teach a list of the most suggestive and filthy shooter drink names. You know, the "Screaming Orgasm" and the "Rock Hard Erection" and the "Incredible Head." If those aren't actual shooter names, they will be... And they are going to be ordered 100 times more often, not 10,000 times more often than the Rob Roy.

Honestly now Pappy, are you really allowing this "teacher" to perpetuate some flat out errors?

Improper pronunciations,
grenadine is cherry-flavored syrup,
Cuba Libra,
etc. etc.

I hope you are standing up and actually trying to set things straight.

Otherwise you are just wasting your time.

If I start speaking up, I'm liable to foul up the experiment. I'm just there as an observer. If you really wanna know why things are as bad as they are, I need to just shut up and be the man Who Wasn't There. A good journalist doesn't make himself part of the story. I'm even going to take this TIPS class. If I do decide to speak my mind, I'll have more to say about his teaching style than his content anyway.--Who spends two hours dictating recipes that are in books?

See--you got me going...

Screw journalism! You have an opportunity to effect a change (albeit a small one) and you are squandering it!

Or after the course has run, find "someone" to "convince" this guy to find a different occupation (that involves no alcohol whatsoever).
Better yet, on the last day, take him out with a Zima (by making him drink it) and show the kids the RIGHT way to do things.
This person is sounding like a film school teacher I had who droned non-committedly along about really obvious facets of the field and was about ten years behind on what was going on in the industry...

On 2006-09-27 21:01, Tiki Pop wrote:
yo Pappy
I think you need to start up a tiki drink bartending course.....

Aloha :drink:

I agree! There are many of us here on TC that can teach 'Proper' bartending practices. We can band together and form a school of sorts, build a curiculum, set standards, and teach people how to properly make a drink and drink it!

Pappy, you take the North East, I'll take the South East, etc.....

It can be like the School of Rock, only we'll call it the School of On-the-Rocks!

On 2006-09-28 09:54, Swanky wrote:
Have you ever in your life heard someone order a Rob Roy or a Old Fashioned?

The Brandy Old-fashioned is still a very popular drink in Wisconsin - one columnist even recently called it Wisconsin's unofficial state drink. The last time I visited my parents, several people at the table ordered the drink.

With the instructor being a bartender for 30 years, and the course being taught at a regional vocational school, you will definitely see the course contents geared towards serving the preferred drinks for the local 50-80 year old population. Treat the course as a historical lesson, and be proud of your local heritage!

Vern

Wow. The Ohana is pretty worked up.

I didn't take the course to show anyone up--I really wanted to learn stuff. Unfortunately, so far I haven't learned anything I can't learn in books. With any luck, The Beachbum's seminar will fill in all the holes in my learning. The only thing I have over most bartenders in the commitment to make a fine cocktail--not necessarily the ability. But I'm learning and I plan on making a Rob Roy just as soon as I make all the drinks in the Grog Log and Intoxica.

On 2006-10-02 14:59, pappythesailor wrote:
But I'm learning and I plan on making a Rob Roy just as soon as I make all the drinks in the Grog Log and Intoxica.

One of my hubby's favorites, although we long ago learned the futility of ordering one (or a Ward 8, which is also good) at any bar other than our own, short of "21" or the Algonquin or Sardi's!

WEEK 4:

Note: There was TIPS class last week. I could bring myself to go to that and pay for that. This week was school vacation (hooray!). Class again next Tuesday.

More ramblings about being a bartender.

We got our quizzes back on the first 20 drinks. I noticed that they were marked up but he didn't actually grade them. I guess I've been out of school awhile--is grading papers a 20th Century thing? Then we went over the same quiz making it the THIRD time he has made us sit there while he dictated the recipes for these twenty drinks.

Ramble, ramble. Fifteen-minute break. Ramble.

He dictated our last ten drinks and drink recipes to us:
Mimosa, Stinger, Midori Sour, Scarlett O'Hara, Margarita, Tequila Sunrise, Wine Cooler (red wine & ginger ale), Wine Spritzer, Snake Bite, Shirley/Roy Rogers.

Interesting things I learned:

If this thread is getting more boring week by week--WELCOME TO MY WORLD! Next week I hope to actually mix a drink or at least hold a glass or something.

On 2006-10-20 07:25, pappythesailor wrote:
Next week I hope to actually mix a drink or at least hold a glass or something.

I believe that's reserved for the grad-level courses.

You should have found the abc school and took one of thier classes. I heard they only take 2 weeks and they tend to have job placement available. I went to the national bartending school in atlanta and it was fun. I figured it was a better solution then AA(fifth of crown every two days) it got me on course. I guess the allure of mixing drinks was the key and commitment(i had to drive 6 hours a day just to get there, and i got a ticket one day) always tend to make you rethink things. It was a two week course, i should have just went to asheville's abc class but the allure atlanta drove me and i figured i could get a travel grant(in the end the tribe did pay for it and i am happy person). the end. oh yeah they haven't let you try to use the equipment yet...wtf, also the teacher was very cool and he filled the bottles with colored water to simulate the real thing, otherwise the class would have cost around a grand. keep at it and stay in school, don't pay for the tips thing it's a trick get an ax.

On 2006-10-20 07:25, pappythesailor wrote:
...is grading papers a 20th Century thing? ...

Grades are so "old-school" if you will pardon the pun.... You should be graded with levels like Top Shelf, Call, and Well..... Beermat for the failing grades.....

...Stinger...

This is one of Andy's favorite 'Classic' cockails. Don't let them go for the green Creme de'menthe, it makes the drink look worse than a Mai-Tai with Blue Curacao!

....Margarita.....

This is it! The moment we have been waiting for! When they turn on the slushy machine and start adding Rosie's Lime...... That is the signal! Rise Up! Take No Prisoners! Arm every rebel with a Boston Shaker! Smash the Slushy Machines!

RISE UP! We are Mixologists! We will show the world what a cocktail really is!

Calm down, its time for your meds. You can't get your self worked up like this.....

WEEK 5: (ugh.)

D'jever sit through one of those "artsy" movies? (Like 'Big Night' or "The Station Agent'.) All the critics like it so you sit and sit and you're not having a good time. And you keep thinking that something amazing will happen before it ends to make it all worthwhile? Then it just ends. And you want your two hours (and maybe your four bucks) back. I kept fantasizing about just walking out of class tonight. Why don't I?

First hour: Quiz on our fifty drinks. Then, you guessed it, he went over the whole test again making in the 2nd, 3rd and 4th time he's dictated the 20, 20 and 10 drinks to us while we sat there like numb dummies.

Somebody complained about the class. (It was like I was channeling through her except she wouldn't stab him with a pen.) I learned somebody else quit after week two. ("Quitter!") There was a half hour of questions, each of which broke down into U.B.R. (Unfocused Bartender Ramblings).

After the break, he brought in a box and showed us a highball, rocks, cocktail and a shaker. Then he passed a bottle of bitters around so we could smell it. Then he made us an invisible Old Fashioned (ingredients: glass, bar spoon). Then he gave us the same exact glass lecture from Week 2 (most everything goes in a highball glass
and there's no such thing as a sour glass--that whole mess).

He fielded some questions. More U.B.R. Then we went over what glass went with all fifty drinks. No, we never stood up or touched any bar equipment but some actually made it into class today. I've got a really good feeling about week 6!

To Mike The Headhunter:
I don't think I would have signed up for any class further from home than this one. I'm glad you liked yours and that it worked out for you. P.S. Asheville, NC is one of my favorite places on earth. Beautiful country.

To Chip and Andy:
I look forward to making a Stinger. A Rum Stinger is a real drink too. I'll try 'em both. I don't think I have the will to lead a revolt after three hours of U.B.R....
Stay cool!

On 2006-10-24 19:00, pappythesailor wrote:
... I don't think I have the will to lead a revolt after three hours of U.B.R....

Well.... OK.

I do like your pen idea. It may not be as much fun as a full-on revolt, but still very effective. Bonus points will be awarded if you stab him with a garnish skewer with two cherries.

In this edition of bar tending for dummies, an exclusive. I reveal why mixed drinks suck at nearly every bar in America.

WEEK 6: This week started out like every week; a test followed by a review of our drinks (or as I like to call them: the F*&^@#~ Fifty). We got the welcome news that next class would be the LAST written test on these drinks. So I finally asked a question in this class, namely: "Aren't we going to learn amounts of ingredients?" You see, all we've learned is ingredients, glasses and garnish. I was flabbergasted to realize that we were NEVER going to learn amounts (you know: 1/2 ounce of this, 3/4 ounce of that) for these drinks.

Now here's where it gets weird: The professor didn't really understand my question. He said that the amounts of alcohol we'd put in each drink would vary and our future employers would let us know how much of anything to put in. But I asked again, What about drinks that had more than one liquor? What about drinks that had more than one mixer? Then my neighbor (a lad of about 21) turns to me like I'm the slow kid and tells me how these recipes vary from place to place and book to book. And some of the ladies in class turn and give me kind looks like I'm about to be held back. And I say again (now feeling like I'm in the Twilight Zone) "But these drinks have recipes! You wouldn't make cookies like this--why would you make drinks like this?!" Blank stares.

And I start thinking: Maybe I really DON'T get it.

So the class goes on and and it's time to actually watch prof. make simulated drinks with water and ice. He starts to show us how if you fill a ten ounce highball glass with ice, you're left with about 5 ounces of room for liquid. And proceeds to show us an impressive display of accurate free pouring proving to me how he could get exactly three ounces of liquid in the glass. He proves this by explaining how he could strain it into a 3-ounce up glass and fill it to the rim. Then teacher turns to me and asks me if I get it now? (get it? Get what?

And THEN I get it. Unfortunately, I get it all. And you guys & gals who've worked in bars before already know this.

It's not about following a recipe; IT'S ABOUT FILLING THE GLASS! It's about inventory control! It's about knowing exactly how much liquor you served somebody because you put the same amount of liquor in every drink! Oh, man--That's why distilled liquors are ALL slowly going to 80 proof.

I haven't learned much in the last six weeks but I think I have heard (too) many scary truths. So, in no particular order, here's why mixed drinks suck at almost every bar:

1. Bartender may only has 3 sizes of glass and he's been told to fill the glass.
   a) There is no concept of small, medium or large drinks.
2. Bartender begins ANY mixed drink by filling a highball glass with ice.
3. Bartender may be crummy.
   a) he has taken my class and believes ingredients matter (or not) but proportions DON'T(!)
   b) he is no good at free pouring
4. The bar may have set a limit on how much liquor goes into each drink.
   a) there is no concept of strong, medium or weak drinks
   b) you are in a county that FORBIDS pouring alcohol and you are given a two ounce nip to add to your mixed drink --not matter what the drink
   c) The measured pourer/liquor gun is not working/is not calibrated right.
5. Lemon juice and lime juice are not found in most bars; sour mix is used instead of both.
6. Bars will fill the bottles of their bottom-shelf liquors with even crummier liquor as long as they can get away with it.
7. Not all bars are going to have ingredients most of us take for granted (ie. bitters, orgeat syrup, dark rum, various liqueurs) and will substitute whatever they have on hand without mentioning it.
8. (This is actually my own theory) People have grown up and never been served a nice, well-balanced drink and don't know any better so why should the bartender worry?

Anyway, six weeks in, two to go and no, we haven't made a drink in this class yet....

I'm getting even less tolerant. Last night I had a gin and tonic that was A) not filled to the top B) had no lime and C) was not set in front of me on a napkin. Is that too much to ask? And then, A) the waitress set it in front of me and dashed off so fast I could not even tell her, so I went to the bar myself where, B) there was no one for about 5 minutes and then he shows up and I ask for a lime and C) he puts an 1/8 of an inch sliver of lime on the rim. I politely asked for more.

How do people operate this way? I know I was at a college area restaurant, but, c'mon!

Pappy, your class sounds a lot like my driving school class. You have to pay for it and attend to get some beaurocratic piece of paper at the end and line someone's pockets, but the class is no more than a chance for some schloob to prattle on. If this was required to be a bartender, I would hope they covered a lot of things like "never use a glass in the ice bin" and other health and safety issues, on top of legalities like determining when to cut someone off, as well as basic drink making...

If it was a bartending class for fun, I just have no clue what's going on.

Damn this. I am opening a bar and forcing well made drinks on the wastelands for at least six month(which will be about all the time a non-fl tiki bar may last). Because this latest class report was without a doubt the most depressing thing i have read in a long time. It's on! My war has been declared and nc abc will get me some lemon hart and rhum st. james, or the ability for them to order the stuff which they can't do now! BLOOD WARS, BUDDY...BLOOD WARS...

The QB cooler is relaxing itself in my liver now, so to enhance the educational aspect of this thread, i found this when looking for info on st james rhum. It's cute and kind of depressing because i can't get most of these rums in nc.

http://www.foodreference.com/html/artrum.html

I have never met a drink I didn't like, unless it was that time I met beer...

[ Edited by: Mike the Headhunter 2006-11-06 23:27 ]

This thread reminds me why I rarely order cocktails in restaurants and bars anymore. Same reason why I rarely go to a movie theater to see a movie. More often than not, I can do far better at home.

Dammit, Pappy! Aren't you through with this course yet? Nope. And there was no class last week cuz of Election Day.

Week 7: (one week to go!)

We took our final test on the F*****G Fifty. I finally took a stand and gave the correct recipes to all the classic drinks. (I didn't care about stuff like the Woo Woo.) (So in my test, a Tom Collins is gin, lemon juice, sugar syrup, (stir), soda, stemmed cherry, lemon slice served in a Collins glass!) Anyway, I'm sure I failed miserably but I still have my pride.

First, we had an introduction to wine! Eight minutes! "Well, there's red wine and there's white wine. You chill white wine and you serve red at room temperature. White Zinfandel is kind of pink but you serve it chilled." Four brands of wine were listed, two red and two white--I forget which ones. The movie Sideways has evidently had little effect on Merlot sales after all. That's good.

Next we had our beer discussion. This consisted of us naming all the beers and breweries we could think of.

Then we got a handout of 150 drink recipes. This was a photocopied freebie from the people at Smirnoff. He put "asteriks" next to all the Polynesian drinks including the Alabama Slammer.

It was handout day 'cause we got another handout on bar setup. Coincidentally, you get the same setup here:
http://www.webtender.com/handbook/barsetup.html
Prof. then went over the various liqueurs on that list saying which ones we really needed. Then he said the all-time best line from the whole course: "You don't really need maraschino liqueur because you'll have grenadine." I almost fell on the floor.

He promised us, next week for sure, we'd get to make some (simulated) drinks. Even better, next week's class is optional. So you heard right, the part of a BARTENDING course where you actually mixed a drink is OPTIONAL--we'd still pass if we never saw him again. Tempting but I'm waiting around to fill out the course evaluation.

One week to go!

Hey Pappy,

Jerry Thomas and Dale DeGroff both have the Tom Collins down as a Shaken drink; and in the article I wrote for a UK Cocktail Magazine (CLASS) I also came down on the side of shaken.

It seems like your contempt for this bartending course has lead to some kind of arrogance on your part. Passing the test, by writing down the expected answers, would have given you more credence when talking down to the examiner/ teachers on your course later on. Behind real bars, the recipes you need to know are:

1. Your way.
2. The bar's way.
3. The customers way.
4. The next customers way.
5. and so on.

I have been keeping up with your bartending course posts, very interesting; I am still glad I never went to a bartending school.

Cheers!

George

Wow. Collinses--stirred. Fizzes--shaken. In fact, that's the difference between them.