Mother In-Law Hates My Tikis. What to do?

coz nothing subdues an enemy like handing them a box of ammunition :D

Why can't it be OK that she doesn't come over? She set her own boundary, just as you can set yours to have tikis. Visit somewhere else. She's already offered a good solution. It's not like she said she'll never have anything to do with you, period. She feels uncomfortable with tikis, so she prefers not to come around. I see nothing wrong with it, unless she's saying you're gonna burn.

My mom is a born again christian AND she has a bunch of tikis in her yard. It's funny, she talks about Pele like she exists all the time, but she'd faint if you even suggested she believes in that stuff.

On 2007-08-21 12:47, YankeeAirPirate wrote:
My mom is a born again christian AND she has a bunch of tikis in her yard. It's funny, she talks about Pele like she exists all the time, but she'd faint if you even suggested she believes in that stuff.

Sounds like she's comfortable in her own skin. Plus, you do have a colonial Hawaiian tradition, right. Does that include your mom? If so, living in Hawaii you almost have to have an appreciation for tikis. The only way to run away is to head out to sea (or taking up air piracy) :)

On 2007-08-21 12:57, The Gnomon wrote:

On 2007-08-21 12:47, YankeeAirPirate wrote:
My mom is a born again christian AND she has a bunch of tikis in her yard. It's funny, she talks about Pele like she exists all the time, but she'd faint if you even suggested she believes in that stuff.

Sounds like she's comfortable in her own skin. Plus, you do have a colonial Hawaiian tradition, right. Does that include your mom? If so, living in Hawaii you almost have to have an appreciation for tikis. The only way to run away is to head out to sea (or taking up air piracy) :)

That IS why I took to the sky. She grew up a white girl surfing the north shore. Yeah, she's part tita.

Gee, I'm surprised no one has yet linked this (but happy, 'cause now I get to):

Click for the full satire chick tract at HumuHumu's photo site.

-=C

Melintur, that really is too delicious!
Mahalo to you, to Humuhumu, to the author, and of course to the undoubtedly well-meaning soldier of the Jesus cult who first published them little booklets.

BigBroTiki, please sign me up for one of those prints!

Now on to the other business of the thread:

If you sniff at MIL's behavior, the WWJD argument smells like a McGuffin, so:

When primitive "I'm right, you're wrong, 'cause my guru sez so" arguments start flying, it ain't about religion: it's a fight or flight reaction (to visceral fear), with an attempt to trump the fearful object with unassailable divinity. Also if the conversation is about the gods and saints, then I'm out of the picture, and get to survive with my spirit pretty much intact.

Mostly this stuff is outside our awareness when we do it.

Try this one on for size and see if it fits:

1. MIL is having control issues, because
2. MIL is afraid of losing her sense of self, which she partly defines by
3. Being mother (and all that means to her) of her (fantasy) daughter
4. MIL's daughter has not effectively broken MIL's fantasy, most likely because
5. MIL's daughter does not want to hurt MIL by attacking her illusions (attachment to our mothers is almost always pretty powerful), therefore
6. MIL's daughter permits (and may even contribute to whatever degree) MIL to continue the fantasy relationship.

Again, neither may be conscious of this dynamic, and it is most definitely neither's fault: they were built that way. And I may be way wrong.

So what do you do?

1. Be aware that MIL's palace may be built on being mother to her daughter - these are pretty primal behavior patterns, and difficult to bring to awareness.
2. Make sure to remind MIL early and often what a good mother she still is, and mean it each time - this by itself may reassure MIL enough that she can move forward beyond her fantasy relationship, and may make you her best friend. Who knows, she may even take an interest in what you like.
3. Remember that the core issues are not religious - don't even address that one ("Well then that's no McGuffin.").
4. Remember that you don't have to agree in order to listen, and don't have to voice your disagreement; respect for another's putting themselves out there goes a long way. If you hear something that sounds like BS, and argument is not your purpose, ask for clarification or move on.
5. Remember that when someone has control issues, you don't have to give them control, let them have what control is theirs - eventually it gets better, and your relationship will find a truer course.
6. Remember: it isn't about the tikis: the tikis just are. You have nothing to defend, so skip any such nonsense.
7. I'm quite partial to Mai Tais, but many in these threads are much wiser than I am - you should probably ignore everything you just read and ask them.

Well, I wouldn't say it couldn't be about MIL's religious beliefs. There are places I choose not to go because of mine, just as there is art that I choose not to put in my home because it makes me uncomfortable for any number of reasons, some of which may be my religious beliefs. I'm not afraid of anything "attacking" me, but for example there are places (like particular bars) I choose not to go, just as my being a teacher limits me from going to certain places. I value my job more than my right to go to a titty bar (which actually came up recently. I soooo didn't want to go anyway, but I could use the job excuse nicely!). I don't tell people they can't go to those places or that they have to remove objects from their homes (good grief), but I may choose to avoid these things myself. (And I do/have things to which they may object; they don't have to join me at those times either).

I think I'm siding with the she's-family-and-she-won't-be-around-forever camp. If I were in your shoes, I'd put away the specific offenders (if they can be named and temporarily removed/covered) with each MIL visit.

It's just stuff (Gasp! I said it!).

She's your wife's mother.

And if that ain't good enough . . . The meet-her-at-a-neutral-place suggestion sounds great to me!

I would LOVE to have the pamphlet. It was wickedly funny.

[ Edited by: timidtiki 2007-08-22 09:38 ]

When ever the JW's come to the door its amusing to see how long it takes for my tiki to make them nervous.

Life is a state of mind

[ Edited by: Ojaitimo 2007-09-17 14:41 ]

Man! Judging by the previous posts I have it real good here at Tiki Towers!

Sian's mum really digs our tikis, although I might add, I think she is becoming sick and tired of tripping over my ever growing porn collection each time she visits, god bless her! Hang on! Am I starting to get all religious? Nah! It's o.k. just a momentary slip! Now where's my 'Satan in High Heels' dvd?

Whoops!...'attention deficit disorder' kicked in again...Back to TIKI MODERN!

Trader Jim - Make mine a Mai-...what's that Sian?...

I once took a "Bible Study" from a Woman I worked for; about Letting Go of the past, Etc.She had issues with her stepdaughter (a grown woman herself).She would not allow them into her home(The woman or her new family).
Evidently they had lived in "Sin".Even though they did get married.She then felt "they had made a joke out of the institution of marriage" ;because they had gotten married on Motorcycles in a Vegas ceremony.
Moral .....You can't please everyone.

[ Edited by: mymotiki 2008-06-14 20:25 ]

On 2007-09-22 20:01, mymotiki wrote:
... dress in a tiki outfit and answer the door. After she comes in and gets settled do a voodoo dance and drop to the floor and have convulsions. ...

Hey! That's practically the standard greeting for all guests at the Hakalugi household. You just have to skip the 'tiki outfit' and do it in the buff.

[ Edited by: hakalugi 2007-09-24 21:44 ]

My 2 cents. It's your house. It's your interest.
You can't expect the MIL to drop her beliefs, just like she can't expect you to drop your interest.
If the topic comes up, stand your ground, defend yourself, and if she doesn't come around, well that's too bad. Don't sweat it. If the MIL doesn't want to come over it's her choice. She's also standing her ground. Visit her at her place, but make sure that she understands that since she's uncomfortable coming over to the home, you're being considerate of her beliefs and feelings and making the effort to visit her at her home.

My mom is a JW, she's not crazy about the tikis I carve. She calls them "monos feos" aka ugly dolls. And I've come back from a chop to find my tiki in a shed; or a towel placed over it; or facing turned in a corner. She understands that I'm not worshiping the tiki as an idol and that it's purely a creative and artistic outlet. Interestingly, another member of her church stopped by, saw the tiki and commented, "That's not a mono feo, that's beautiful. That's art!" She's no longer hiding my tikis.

In a nutshell, it boils down to the person, so, you're mother-in-law's attitude is unfortunate.

Take her back to Heritage USA. PTL has been looking for her since 1988. No one should force anything on anyone, that's freedom, she doesn't like it, she doesn't come over, her loss, her husbands loss. Continue to visit them at their home. The End. Make it simple with no fighting. The plot of the movie "Birdcage" comes to mind, when Nathan Lane & Robin Williams have to "UN-decorate their home to accommodate the in laws.

On page three it was stated:
"It's unanimous ....she must die."
So? Why the @#$@* is she still alive ?

But then again, if she's anything like my mother-in-law, neither God or the Devil will take her.

Aren't Christians suppose to accept everyone? Boy don't ever let her find your Judas Priest, Black Sabbath & Blue Oyster Cult records!!!!! It's to bad she has such a narrow mind and can't see through this. If you are a good guy and a good husband to her daughter she should be happy you have a hobby such as nice as tikis. I can think of alot of other vices that are much worse. Try to keep her happy, she'll be gone someday. Good Luck.

You can borrow my MIL- she likes the tiki theme at our house. How does Thanksgiving work for you?