Things You've Learned From Movies & TV

When you're out of bullets throw the gun.

There are some things which are apparently so important for the world to know that movies and TV show them to us over and over and over again.

For example don't worry if you get paired up with someone you can't stand on a job or project because in a fairly short period of time the two of you will be the best of friends or in love.

That's good to know and it's probably made hundreds of thousands of lives better for knowing it. Thanks movies & TV!

So what important lessons have you learned from movies and TV?

(Yes, there are probably a web sites and even books that cover things learned from movies & TV. But they don't have the golden sponge cake and creamy filling that Bilge does.)

If you're trying to hide from someone hide up (on the ceiling, a ladder, a bookshelf, etc). No on ever looks up when they're looking for someone.

If you know there's someone who might want to kill you don't take a bath with a TV or a radio or any plugged in electrical appliance sitting near by. The person who wants to kill you will show up and after some pithy or innocuous dialog he/she will throw the electrical appliance into the tub with you and then you will be dead.

This is also a valuable lesson if you know there is a mystical force attempting to kill you. But the mystical force will not engage you in dialog before dumping the electrical appliance into the tub.

Also mystical forces will kill you in the tub even if there is no electrical appliance near by. So if you know there's a mystical force trying to kill you just stay away from taking baths.

If you are avoiding taking baths and opt for showers instead be sure to watch out for shower curtains as they can be used by people and mystical forces to smother or strangle you.

From TV, I've learned that it is much easier to butter corn on the cobb by first spreading butter on a piece of bread, then cup the slice of bread in your hand (buttered side up of course), and roll the ear of corn in it...you get a quick, even spread of butter on the ear of corn...no mess...and the bread is tasty too.

PS: I saw that being done in some movie(?)on TV -

[ Edited by: Babalu 2010-10-13 07:57 ]

I learned that I was getting too old for this sh*t.

it is super easy to hotwire a car...

the double tap when killing zombies...

never go on the road with Vig Mortenson

If you're reading someone the riot act cuz they did something stupid and they say

*"I didn't think..."

*you should interrupt them right after they say "think" with one of these well worn lines:

"That's just it, you didn't think, did you?"

"No, you didn't think."

"That's the problem, you never think, you just blah blah blah..."*

No matter how big the event or popular the restaurant you're going to you will find a parking space right in front.

not to get married.

Don't project negative waves.

Oddball (Donald Sutherland) in "Kelly's Heroes"

When you are about to murder someone who stands in the way of your evil scheme and has been trying to thwart you/solve the crime, tell them why you are going to kill them, explain the whole criminal plot that you are perpetrating.

Just walk in to any bar or diner and not only will you find an old fashioned coin operated juke box but that juke box will have at least one really cool record in it.

If you discover something really bad about the company you work for or your boss or a powerful coworker and you tell it in confidence to a trusted colleague and the trusted colleague is shocked to hear of your discovery and then asks "Have you told anyone else this?" and you reply "No, just you." your trusted colleague will then kill you or try to kill you shortly after your revelation.

Female Russian spies are universally smart, sexy, and extremely passionate lovers. That's the field agents though. Any female boss back at the home station looks like an angry toad.

Phone repair men are never really phone repair men.

When you're infiltrating some kind of compound with uniformed guards, it's enough cover to just use one of their uniforms. You might think the other guards know each other well because that's the only human contact they get in otherwise dreary jobs. But you can still proceed and safely assume that no one will think it's odd that they don't recognize you.

If you're going to beam down to a planet, make sure there's at least one person in the visiting party of lower rank (and with fewer lines) than you.

If you love football, but you're shorter, slower, and more clumsy than everyone already on the team, don't let that bother you. Just persevere and someday you'll get your chance on the team and win the big game.

If you want to acquire a new skill, play an upbeat song and perform little snippets of gradual improvement. You'll be an expert in no time.

If you're receiving some form of witness protection, give your guardians a hard time and constantly try to give them the slip. Self-preservation is boring.

If the bad guys capture you for questioning, give them a lot of snotty remarks and insults. They might beat the crap out of you, but they can't take away the pleasure you'll get from a few choice zingers. Again, self-preservation is boring.

If you're any kind of law enforcement and about to retire, and you're called out to ONE LAST active crime scene involving any kind of violent offender, go for it. Don't just take the rest of the day off instead. Sure that nice pension is waiting, but again, self-preservation is boring.

Everyone aged 18-25 from 1967 to 1970 was drugged out the entire time, with no memory whatsoever of their activity during those years. Not a single person in that age group was living a normal productive life.

Before 1970, all cars on the road were spotless.

Wives always figure out the stupid secret plans their husbands have made, through the force of pure intuition alone. But they always forgive the big lunks after they own up and apologize.

-Randy

"If you want to acquire a new skill, play an upbeat song and perform little snippets of gradual improvement. You'll be an expert in no time."*

This also works if you're trying to accomplish a labor intensive or tedious task such as remodeling an old house or canvassing a city with promotional materials.

I too have learned all the things mentioned so far. I think stopping to look back at your suspected murderer when you are running away is really important so you can be sure to trip and fall. Also, all of our animals are able to speak to us and plan hijinx!

The best way to follow or watch someone is to just stand right out in the open
When following in a car, just drive right behind them.

also if you act super creepy at a bar or nightclub, you can get a women to leave with you.

If you are watching a police procedural the best known guest star on the credits
is doing the crimes.

If you get knocked out, you are probably just fine after wards, so no need to see a doctor
a bag of frozen peas will heal you right up.

In any martial arts clash between any two groups of different sizes, honor dictates that the larger group must take turns against the smaller group. When the ratio is something like 10-1, protocol dictates that all members of the larger group must stand in a circle around the opponent, and rush in one by one.

Corollary: when martial arts is involved, no participant should bring a gun.

Anyone exposed to radioactive material is blessed with fun new powers, and/or uncontrollable supersizing.

The only way to effectively report on a storm is to go stand in it. Otherwise no one will believe you.

When driving to a crime scene, police are trained to always arrive with a screeching skid. Then jump out and leave the doors open with the keys inside.

-Randy

If you are in the lead...your hair will always look perfect even after jumping out of a plane or kicking butt on a goon squad.

During a car chase the tires on the cars will always make screeching noises no matter what surface the cars are driving on.

And horse hooves usually make a crisp clean noise no matter what surface the horse is running on/being ridden on.

If you discover a bag of white powder and you're wondering if it's drugs juts lick a finger, dip it in the powder, and taste it. If it tastes like drugs it probably is drugs.

If you're going away for the weekend and you don't think your teenage kids will have a party or you tell them to not have a party they will have a party.

If you're a cop and you holler "Stop in the name of the law!" or "Stop! Police!" they will not stop.

In Japan, men come first, women come second. .... if your a spy

Any car you drive in a chase will have more than four hubcaps.

Superman can laugh at bullets, but will duck at everything else.

You never have to worry about wearing your seatbelt, unless the killer in the car with you also fails to buckle up. Only then do you put it on.

Sharks and their families can all hold a long term grudge against transplanted New York cops and their families.

Hacking a computer is just as visually exciting as getting sucked into Tron.

It will be the adventure of a lifetime, but you don't get to keep whatever you were after.

Nic Cage is the most rational person in any given plot or scheme, and something will be on fire.

Somebody in your life will say the exact right thing you need to hear at the exact right time.

If someone is shooting at you or trying to stab you, just let them hit you in the shoulder or arm. Once that's out of the way, you can ignore it and get back to getting your beatdown on. This does not work if your the villian, but you do get to absorb just as much punishment and save it all up for once last slow motion chance at stabbing,shooting, or triggering the bomb moment.

Any crime, no matter how complex or out of the ordinary, can be solved in the span of an hour.

Any familial, school, work related, or interpersonal problem can be resolved in 30 minutes.

Cowboys' six-shooters can magically fire an unlimited number of rounds without reloading when shooting at redskins.

In Normandy in WWII, US soldiers always bunched together, because staying in camera shot was more important than avoiding mass casualties from German machine guns, mortars and light artillery.

In the Vietnam War, once again for the camera, US soldiers on patrol in ambush country always walked along hill crests on clear moonlit nights so they would be perfectly silhouetted for miles around.

The US single-handedly found out the secret of Germany's Enigma coding machine in WWII when it captured the U571 in a Hollywood scriptwriter's imagination. This intelligence coup owed absolutely nothing to pre-war Polish intelligence or WWII British cypher breakthroughs, and in particular had nothing to with the Royal Navy's actual capture of the U100 with its real Enigma coding machine.

American and British actors can portray white or black South Africans far more convincingly than white or black South African actors...

And an Australian or NZ accent is pretty much the same as a British one...

Toto, j'ai l'impression que nous ne sommes plus au Kansas !

[ Edited by: Club Nouméa 2012-03-11 17:26 ]

[ Edited by: Club Nouméa 2012-03-11 17:28 ]

No one ever actually plays chess for enjoyment. Chess is only played because...

• The player is a genius.

-The player feels obligated to not let down a chess playing father or grandfather.

-The player is a spy and the moves are actually codes.

-The player is missing/has been murdered/is a serial murderer and the game on the player's (or the victim's) chess board is actually a secret message. (If it's not a secret message it's a an extremely valuable clue.)

-It's a metaphor for war/the interaction between rivals/life, the universe, and everything.

Just because you get killed in one episode doesn't mean you can't come back as someone else in a different episode.

All Hawaiian shirts are to be worn with white pants through 1980.

easy body disposal methods,
drop in volcanic vent
shove over cliff
sink in shark infested waters

Only McGarrett is allowed to wear super flowery long sleve hawaiian shirts

the same piece of hotel art can be used over and over again even though it got destroyed several episodes back.

only tourists and lounge acts wear matching outfits.

no one has bigger or pointier collars tham pimps.

anyone can take a suitcase full of money and a gun on a plane, no questions asked.

in the 70's if you were poor everything in your house was beige
now if your rich everything in your house is beige.

all ethnic main characters are played by white guys with a bad fake accent.
actual ethnic actors can only be secondary characters with bad broken english accents.

All Investigators (CSI,Coroner etc.) are much better equipped & trained on TV
DNA tests only take 24 hours on TV
All Technicians on TV are sexy!

Everyone drives a new car & no one has an old cell phone, WTF?

in the end everyone gets booked for murder 1

Shoot for the head.

A zig-zag running pattern assures you will not be shot in the back.

Always keep the lights off at the murder scene and use small flashlights that are easily held in your mouth when you need to use both hands.

Often times you don't need gloves or safety goggles during an autopsy, especially when using the electric saw.

The song you want to know more about will be in huge print in the credits and move slowly on the screen so you have time to read it.

Bond will be back...

Your dream vacation or relaxing weekend getaway will be anything but.

At best you'll discover that the incredible cabin your boss/buddy/cousin-in-law loaned you is in fact a derelict shack in a less than desirable location. Or the wonderful hotel you booked lost your reservation/looked better in the pamphlet/is also hosting a "How to Deal With Your Problem Monkey" workshop.

But if the cabin is awesome or the hotel is beautiful but oddly empty of other guests or your campsite is incredible then you really need to worry because your trip will be a horrific nightmare that will probably only be survived by one or two in your party.

The better looking your group is the more horrific the events will be. If there's one black guy in a group of white people he will end up dead first. If it's not the lone black guy it will be the person who has the most useful skills for the situation. (That person, of course, could be the lone black guy, but in general the lone black guy is on the trip just to be the first one dead.) Anyone who decides to take their chances and make a run for it will end up dead.

If you can get through to law enforcement (highly unlikely as there will be no cell service in the area or the lines will be down or the radio, which was working when you got there, won't be working for one reason or another) they won't believe you when you tell them of the hell going on all around you. But if they do believe you and they actually show up they will either end up dead as soon as they step out of the car or will be in cahoots with whoever or whatever is causing problems.

But don't get all relieved and relaxed if you're the lucky one or two who get home alive because the person/creature you're pretty danged sure you killed in a fantastic explosion which blew up the cabin/hotel/campsite (yet fortunately did not start a massive forest fire) will find your house. Or you will end up returning to that same cabin/hotel/campsite either out of sheer stupidity or because you're the only one who can help a group of people going through the hell you went through.

Most all of the above will apply to any cross country backpacking/hitchhiking/road trip you decide to undertake.

There is an exception to all of the above: If you didn't want to go on the trip in the first place you will probably have a life changing experience (for the better) or you will be the one who escapes the hell.

*But...*If you didn't want to go on the trip in the first place and everyone else in your party/on the cruise/at the resort is having a wonderful time then you will have a really horrible time and be the person who gets thrown by the horse that "anyone can ride" or wanders into the poison oak or is served a bowl of dog food instead of the stew everyone else got. But stick with it as you will learn a valuable life affirming lesson in the end.

Sci-fi films and shows: teaching us all about physics and the far future...

Spacecraft in the far future all engage in close combat strongly reminiscent of WWII aerial dogfights.

The highly sophisticated space weaponry used in the far future is only effective at very close ranges, which is why they have to do this.

The advanced propulsion systems found in the small combat spacecraft of the far future cause them to behave and manoeuvre in space exactly the same way as fighter aircraft do in the Earth's atmosphere.

Their rockets must burn continually in order to overcome the air resistance found in the vacuum of space.

And they never use retro-rockets to compensate for the infinite acceleration provided by their rockets during these space dogfights, because the air resistance provided by the vacuum of space naturally slows them down.

In the vacuum of space, these small combat spaceships turn and manoeuvre exactly like aircraft in the Earth's atmosphere, even though they have no proper wings, ailerons, tail rudders, or indeed any wind or air resistance that would enable them to behave like aircraft.

In the very far future, political science has developed exponentially to the extent that the most common forms of government are autocracies, empires and despotisms, along with the occasional very primitive democracy modelled on the ancient United States of America.

And the further into the future you go, the more the inhabitants of the future dress like ancient Romans and Greeks.

Toto, j'ai l'impression que nous ne sommes plus au Kansas !

[ Edited by: Club Nouméa 2012-03-15 19:06 ]

Laws of physics do not apply to blood as it can run up walls, fill a space faster than possible, and spew from sources unimaginable.

dogs can talk

Pull cartoon pitchfork out of someone's ass.

American: Bedoink!

Japanese: Ouch!

Most people will give you reason enough to dislike them - sooner or later...

except maybe Larry Emdur...

If you find a tiki idol buried at a construction site in honolulu and wear it around your neck then some bad taboo shit is gonna happen to you-so then you gotta re-bury it in a cave to get rid of the taboo

[ Edited by: Tiki Roa 2016-04-04 20:15 ]

Sharks can actually roar! Who knew? I've learned this in quite a few movies now!

-The streets in major cities are devoid of traffic.

-You can drive from the Washington Navy Yard in DC to Norfolk, VA, in about 20 minutes.

-Ancient authority figures spoke English with British accents.

I've learned how to survive bad science-fiction and horror movies:

1. Never Trust A Disembodied Brain

Honest, they are not to be trusted. All Brains in Jars are evil - or about to become so very very soon. And don't think because they are in a glass jar in a laboratory they can't come after you. It's a well known fact that, freed from the rigors of having to do all the dumb stuff we all have to do every day, even the most kindly and beneficent of human beings will become an raving egomaniacal monster with superhuman mental powers within minutes of having their brain plonked in a jar of vaguely murky nutrient solution.

2. If You Hear A Theremin - Run!

That's all, just run. The first bit of electronicy ooooeeeeeoooooooooo! you hear, you GTF out of there. Don't stop and look over your shoulder, don't explore any further into the strange, still warm to to the touch, thing that landed with a pulsing light in the next door field, just run. But above all do not keep on petting in an open topped car. For some reason Theremin playing bug-eyed monsters just love to attack people making out in open topped cars.

3. Make Sure People are What They Say They Are

If your husband has stopped blinking, forgets your middle name, and has to turn his whole upper body to look at you, get used to the idea that he is no longer your husband but merely an empty husk, animated by some gelatinous blob with three eyes - and get used to it fast because you're next (after he kills the dog).

4. Throw Things At Monsters

Throw anything. When you are faced with a giant rampaging radioactive monster tearing up the commercial district, throw everything you've got at it. Not just the usual massive amounts of high explosives and air strikes by stock footage, or even the hastily rigged devices that deliver the entire output of the Hoover Dam through a convenient railway track; you'll only annoy it and probably make it bigger. No, the thing to do is rush into the nearest grocery store and start throwing things at the beasty. Anything that comes to hand. Bread, salt, Cheesy Wotsits, anything. I guarantee you that within minutes you and your surviving scientist chums will be looking down at its smoldering remains saying things like: "With all the knowledge of science we were powerless. Who would have guessed that the answer lay in a simple salami sandwich...?"

5. It's in the Old Mine Just Outside of Town!

Whatever it is, it's in the old mine just outside of town. No need to look in the mine to check, it's in there, just blow the bugger up.

6. Never Trust a Scientist

Even if you fancy his daughter. Scientists are either mad, frustrated, would-be despots driven insane by years of scornful dismissal of their 'life's work', or blinkered idealists, unable to see the inevitable consequences of their actions. Either way they end up fiddling with things 'man is not meant to know' and are best avoided. Especially if the conversation ever gets round to keeping brains alive in jars.

7. Never Have Anything to Do With a Scientist's Beautiful Daughter

I know this is a total no brainer but it does need saying. It's just asking for trouble. If, on the other hand, you find you are the beautiful daughter of an ageing scientist, move to Australia (or Wales if he's Australian). Do not, under any circumstances, accompany him on expeditions up obscure Central African or South American rivers, or anywhere else where there is even the remotest chance of encountering a gorilla.

8. Don't Go Looking For The Cat

It will live, you won't.

9. Always Bear in Mind That No Matter How Slowly the Shambling Thing Following You is Moving - it Will Outrun You

The actual time it will take to catch you is a complicated calculation of an inverse square law in which you have to take into account the available number of small twigs the female members of your party will trip over in inappropriately high-heeled shoes.

10. Don't Let Caucasians Near Volcanoes

White people have an inexplicable but definite catalytic effect on long dormant volcanoes. Enter white people - exit ancient civilization and/or dinosaurs happily living on its slopes.

I look at the scenery, I love the old stuff they use and have at least a few times seen an idea for a tiki light.

I learned from the film noir of the 1940s and 1950s that the best way to calm a female when she's disturbed is to slap the shit out of her two or three times. Recent programming is derelict in showing this technique, but there's no cure like the old reliable standbys.

Oh can you imagine the shrieking from the woke if that was done in any modern movie? Of course slapping/punching/kicking the male is a necessary action of the "strong female role."

(Why does this site NOT have an eye-roll emoji?)