Confused? Unsure? Frightened? Ask yourself: WWJD? (NEW PRODUCTS! page 5)

Many times we walk a lonely path: unaided, far from loved ones, in a new and strange city. Sometimes the sights and sounds can be frightening, even confusing. In these times of panic, we often seek the solace of the familiar, the comforting. Too often the solace can be base, even banal, but we suffer through for a sense of security and hope, both far too often false.

I am here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be like this. The world can be an exciting and dynamic place, full of new adventures, sights, sounds, and wonders. All you have to do is open your eyes. And do not be afraid, for you are not alone: The Jab is with you.

Yes, in times of crisis, ask yourself: What Would Jab Do?

Everyone needs a helping hand, a guide through the rough spots in life. The Jab is here to tell you that everything is going to be fine- just take a deep breath, collect yourself, and remember to ask: What Would Jab Do? Let’s look at some common situations:

Example One:

You find yourself in a strange city on a business conference. Bored after a long day of meetings, you find yourself starving and looking for a good dinner. Gazing out the window of your hotel you see the familiar sight of the Applebee’s sign. “Mmmm…”, you say to yourself, “that sounds good. I love their famous slab of shit, drenched in shit sauce, served with a side of shit and all-you-can-eat basket of shit.” NO! Do not give in to the familiar! The ordinary! Remember the mantra: WWJD? And what would he do? Gaze past the shinning tower of mediocrity that is Applebees…look now…do you see…just down the road…that low brick building…the one without windows…the one….with the giant fiberglass bull on the roof….and the neon sign…what does it say?... “STEAK & CHOPS”…do you see it…do you see where it says “Tony’s: Since 1954” in neon?...see how the neon cocktail glass flickers ever so slightly?

My friend, you are home.

Example Two:

You have met old friends in Los Angeles for drinks. Not knowing where to go, they suggest a local club. As you enter, you’re met with the stomach rattling thump of bass and earsplitting hip hop. The place is packed with disenchanted and vacant-eyed Angelinos. As you make your way to the bar, the bartender tells you about the special drink of the house, but you can’t really hear him. Your friends encourage you to order it, and you watch as he pours equal parts of Alize, Hypnotiq, cranberry juice, Midori, vodka, pineapple juice, Malibu, RedRum, and orange juice into a shaker and strain into a glass rimmed with pink sugar. “Oh no,” you think as you bring the glass your lips. Already your teeth have started to tingle- you can sense the cavities forming from this syrupy nightmare. “Think man, think! WWJD?!?” Just then, you hear a voice- no two voices- calling your name. What are they saying? Something…something…about a mistake. Yes, you think, I am making a mistake. A terrible mistake. You run outside of the club and on to Sunset Blvd, the voices growing louder in your head. The voices of two men…”mistake…mistake…mistake”. You are compelled to walk down the street, the voices almost guiding you….you come to a small building at 4427 Sunset Blvd…at this point…you no longer control your body…you enter the room and see two men behind a bar. The voices belong to them! You sit at the bar…and a drink is placed before you. “Mistake….Mistake….RAY’S MISTAKE!” To your right, another glass is raised in a toast. Looking to your right at the neighboring barstool, you see a familiar figure in horn-rimmed glasses and vintage shirt. He utters a single word with a smile: “Cheers.”

My friend, you are home.

You see, The jab is here to help you in your darkest hour. Remember the mantra, and remember the Four Sacred Icons:

1. The Cocktail Glass: Always reminds you to settle for nothing less than the best in your drinks- do not be tempted. Search for quality in your mixology. Your quest will be rewarded handsomely.
2. The Steak: All that is right and good in the world flows from the proper preparation of premium beef. Dry aged and expertly cut, you must demand the best. (Unless of course the place is really cool, then gristle is OK)
3. The Tiki: that’s…well, pretty self-explanatory.
4. The Glasses: The Glasses always remind you to see the world through the eyes of the jab. Their classic style remind you to look to the past for inspiration. Let their wisdom filter your reality and change how you see the world:

Sea World San Diego? NO! Albie’s Beef Inn!
Hair Gel? NO! Pomade!
Wal-Mart CDs? NO! British Invasion 45s!

Yes, there is much to learn. By keeping the wisdom close to our hearts, we can always remain on the path of truth.

And what better way to stay on that path than to keep a few friendly reminders close to you. Please visit the “What Would Jab Do?” Emporium to find a delightful array of products to fit your active, jab-centered lifestyle:

http://www.cafepress.com/whatwouldjabdo

Makes a great fashion statement! Looks great on a train to Reno! (hint, hint)

Please feel free to share your stories about how the wisdom of the jab has changed your life!

And remember…What Would Jab Do?

Heavily influenced, of course, by the legendary: http://www.nogators.com/wwjd.html
100% of all proceeds go to The Jab directly, for being a good sport (I hope) about this.

[ Edited by: wwjd 2006-01-18 16:09 ]

THat's a great and hilarious idea!

But why are there no WWJD panties for sale?

DAMN YOU!

Too clever

and my Black/White Large Ringer is one its way. This is my first Cafepress shirt, so, here goes.

I literally laughed one of my contacts off my eyeball.

By popular demand, we have added underwear to the shop! Please note that while it is important to keep the mantra close to your junk, it was deemed inappropriate by the merchandise committee to have the face of the jab stare back at you from the nether regions.

-wwjd-

Brilliant!!!!!

What can I say?
"What Would Jab Do?" has changed my entire world. People now stop and stare when I walk into a Trader Vics.
I can poor a mean mai tai and tenderize a steak like there's no tomorrow.
I even have a date with this hot lookin chick that works at Recycled Records, next month.
I've EVEN quit my 24-step program at AA last week.
Mr. Jab, if you were a woman, I would marry you!
Thank you so much!!
Just another faithful follower.

[ Edited by: Unga Bunga on 2005-02-16 15:33 ]

While walking down the Strip and minding my own beeswax in Vegas, several business-card-sized, um, advertisements were pressed in my hand by brown-skinned young men, on one side of which was a beautiful naked woman (or two) and on back of which was a phone number, a promise that the young lady could be at any hotel room within 20 minutes (better than a pizza!), and that one lass went for $59, but a better deal could be had if one asked for two (a very reasonable $99). Now I ask -- WWJD?

I am so pleased to see the message being delivered. WWJD has been a guiding force for me over the years. My life has changed for the better and yours will, too. Remember always to ask yourself WWJD and then follow the answer. The world is healing. Thank you, TheJab.

-Weird Unc

Absolutely fantastic!!!!
Life will never be the same again!

[ Edited by: on 2005-02-14 23:27 ]

classic! :drink:

this will give the church of the sub-genius a run for the money.

"what would jab do?" is as of this moment replacing my former mantra, "what would scooby do?"

That IS genius!

Just ordered a clock, just to remind myself that it's time for a cocktail.

Trader Woody

I was walking down the street ... in a state of utter confusion and hopelessness.

Without warning, a voice entered my mind reciting the mantra...cocktail, steak, tiki, glasses... cocktail, steak, tiki, glasses...

With the sound of distant congas, the curtain of darkness lifted and I finally understood that life really is a coctail-drinking,steak-eating, tiki-filled, glass-wearing banquet, and most poor fools are starving to death!

Cheers Jab!

You guys are too much!

I always ask myself: WWDD?

[ Edited by: thejab on 2005-02-15 11:43 ]

Thank you all for the kind words and purchases. I'm pleased to tell you that with a total of $4.54 earned in commission, we're only a few cents away from buying The Jab a drink. WWJD? The Jab would buy more fine products because The Jab wants a drink!

Keep the faith and let's go shopping!

Personally, I live my life by asking WWJDBD?Or "What would Joe Don Baker do?".

Good material indeed!

But I have another scenario (that really happened): You tell a group of fellow drunks that you'll meet them at the Bali Hai.

They don't know exactly what you look like, but do know your name is Dean.

After a number of drinks for the drunks, The Jab is still nowhere to be found! We started asking everyone in Bali Hai and then everyone on Shelter Island "are you Dean?".

They all said 'no'.

Yeah, but what if they say 'yes' WWJD?

(Pic credit: Humuhumu)

I hope they clean the durty boogie out of the Caliente Tropics pool, from last years event.

On 2005-02-22 15:30, sinner wrote:
Personally, I live my life by asking WWJDBD?Or "What would Joe Don Baker do?".

MITCHELL!

The hilarious thing is, what's really, honesly, totally actually happening in that photo is that Rebecca is whispering to Martiki -- before our dear and darling spiritual leader Jab was totally hip to it (but naturally he very soon was) -- that I'd just captured some very compelling video depicting clearly why the Jab is named the Jab. We live in very exciting times, my friends. Stay tuned, it will be available for your own personal witnessing soon. Prepare to be shocked into mass WWJD sticker purchases once you've seen it yourself.

Oh Mighty Jab ~

guide me! we are going to Portland for a short weekend trip.. we will stay at the Mallory and have a meal and drinks at Alibi and a donut from Voodoo ~

i find myself asking.. WWJD in Portland? where would he shop? where would he drink?

advise me, learned one!

On 2005-03-10 21:26, dogbytes wrote:
i find myself asking.. WWJD in Portland? where would he shop? where would he drink?

My first stop for drinks would be the Driftwood Room bar right in your hotel (the Mallory). And of course the Alibi and Jasmine Tree but good luck getting a good drink.

Now that Henry Ford's is no more, the best classic steakhouse is the Ringside. And for seafood I love Jake's Famous Crawfish even if it is a bit touristy.
http://portland.citysearch.com/profile/8465184
http://portland.citysearch.com/profile/8459413

Good stores (vintage clothing and antiques) are spread all around and at the rate they come and go I would hate to recommend one as it may be closed. There are loads of them in Portland and many have good prices. I think it's the best vintage clothing shopping in the US, but keep it under your hat. Start here for 7 pages worth:

http://local.yahoo.com/OR/Portland/95763967/Retail+Shopping/8120645/Vintage+and+Used+Apparel/
Usually when you find one good store there are a few more in the vicinity.

Check out these old threads for more tips.

https://tikicentral.com/viewtopic.php?topic=1185&forum=1
https://tikicentral.com/viewtopic.php?topic=8700&forum=6
https://tikicentral.com/viewtopic.php?topic=7513&forum=6

If you have time to get out of town try to check out the Safari Club.
https://tikicentral.com/viewtopic.php?topic=4879&forum=6

Have a great adventure!

We are fast approaching The New Jab Order.

Rise, Children of The Jab!

PLEASE HELP ME! I'm trying to run up a personal debt of $50,000...WWJD?

On 2005-04-16 20:17, Atomic Cocktail wrote:
PLEASE HELP ME! I'm trying to run up a personal debt of $50,000...WWJD?

Do it, then declare bankruptcy before Congress takes away your right to do so (if it's not too late already).

Don't feel guilty because debt is the basis of the whole world economy right now. Which is why the dollar is doing so poorly against the euro and the yen.

Americans buy tons of stuff (mostly on credit) imported from Eastern countries while the US borrows money from Eastern countries (mainly China and Japan) to pay the interest on our massive Federal debt. But the Chinese and Japanese governments are afraid to stop lending us money because if our economy tanks, we'll stop consuming their products, which will cause their economies to tank as well.

So, if you stop buying stuff on credit the whole world economy will collapse!

I hope I didn't get too political here. These are just non-partisan economic facts.

For The Jab is wise in the ways of macroeconomic policy....

[ Edited by: wwjd on 2005-04-18 23:55 ]

Endeavoring to be a true child of Jab and see throught the eyes of the past, I pull my black-rimmed glasses from my shirt pocket, put them on, and give the estate sale one final search for a talisman to inspire me. On the tiled kitchen counter is a small fishbowl filled with matchbooks that I missed on the first go-around. Sitting on the shag carpet and dumping them into my lap, I search through the small cardboard souvenirs until I find the one that was meant for me:

The Islander Beef and Grog in Cocoa Beach. The very name fills me with ineffable sadness and longing. A place where in decades past, one could have a well-crafted rum drink and broil one's own steak, surrounded by tikis and Polynesian splendour. Where in this modern city of Los Angeles could I have a similar experience today? What good is being inspired by the past if my quest is fruitless? What Would Jab Do? Are there any Beef and Grog houses left in this world for a nostalgic Coconut Boy?

The Jab does it again. Another reason to live life.

Baseball T ordered.

Cheers Jab

Kon

Sabu - "Grill your own" sounds like a fun idea, but after a few grogs one may not be the most qualified chef for cooking an expensive steak. Perhaps it should be left to the professional chef. Still, if you want to try it, and are willing to substitute horse-racing themed swank for Polynesian decor, and have a Manhattan instead of a delicious grog, check out the Turf Supper Club in San Diego.

Turf Supper Club
1116 25th St.
San Diego, CA 92102
Phone: (619) 234-6363
HOURS
Mon-Tues 5 pm-midnight
Wed-Fri 5 pm-2 am; Sat 1 pm-2 am
Sun 1 pm-midnight

The bar gets very crowded most nights so try to arrive early or it may be a long wait for a table. The prices are very reasonable but don't expect a great steak.

in praise of the elders...

Tonight, I'm wearing my new WWJD tank top as I drive to see Peter Case, in my car with the bumper sticker of the Four Icons.

I will be the envy of all.

On 2005-04-19 11:31, thejab wrote:
Still, if you want to try it, and are willing to substitute horse-racing themed swank for Polynesian decor, and have a Manhattan instead of a delicious grog, check out the Turf Supper Club in San Diego.

The prices are very reasonable but don't expect a great steak.

That's strange, Jab. You'd think with the jockeys having tenderized those steaks with riding crops the whole time they were alive, you'd have some decent meat by the time they cashed in that last Exacta in the Sky.

[ Edited by: Sabu The Coconut Boy on 2005-04-22 17:56 ]

On 2005-04-20 03:24, Johnny Dollar wrote:
in praise of the elders...

OK, that's the Jab on the Left, Ran in the middle, but who's that guy on the Right?

I'm wondering.........What Would Jab Do if he returned from a quick trip to the Mens room only to find that the tiki mug he was drinking from now has a lipstick mark on the rim???

Would he...
A) Pretend not to notice and then subtly remove it with a cocktail napkin.

B) Throw a fit and demand the guilty hussy admit it and buy him a new drink.

C) Spend the rest of the evening trying to match the lipstick marks on the mug with the lips of all the "ladies" who are present.

SO tell me.......WWJD ????????????

When we first met.......

[ Edited by: 8FT TIKI on 2005-05-09 21:49 ]

I think a variation on C); kissing all the women present in order to identify the lipstick by taste.

Followed by a variation on B); accepting a new drink from the guilty party who will now of course be in thrall.

[ Edited by: purple jade on 2005-05-10 07:45 ]

On 2005-05-10 07:43, purple jade wrote:
I think a variation on C); kissing all the women present in order to identify the lipstick by taste.

Followed by a variation on B); accepting a new drink from the guilty party who will now of course be in thrall.

PJ gave the correct answer!

YAY! Does that mean I am now qualified to sit at the right hand of Jab?

Dear Jab,

When placing my Hotweels "Howling Hooter" at the top of the track, should I hold it by the tiny owl-shaped gas tank or just below the talon-forks?

Sabu

Dear Jab,

Does the presence of a Wooden Mushroom in my Driftwood Owl-Scape make it more or less valuable to the serious collector?

Jab- as a serious owl collector I am turned off by all the new owl stuff, is this the end of the coolness of the owl?
Should I move on to collecting something less "hot and now"?
WWJD???
eel/laney

Dear Jab - is it proper to use Owl eggs in a 'Western' Omelet?

yes, yes, no, yes

My question: Is Hooters an owl-themed restaurant?

No, it is not.

Dear Jab: When serving mouse-encased pellets at the dinner table, does the fork go on the left or the right?

Jab- I am trying to put together a swanky outfit. Can I mix eras, like pairing my 70's owl print shirt with my 50's owl appliqued skirt? Or should I stick with a different owl print skirt from the 70's. Will the prints clash even though they are both owl prints? I will be carrying my owl purse, so don't worry. WWJD