Beyond Tiki, Bilge, and Test / Beyond Tiki
These are a few of my favorite holiday gripes...
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stuff-o-rama
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Tue, Nov 30, 2004 4:49 PM
My Grandmother bought English Ribbon Candy every year and stuck it in that jar. Living close to the beach, in a day or two the moisture would congeal them as one. She wouldn't allow us to "break off" sections as it left shards in the glass jar and it was esthetically unappealing to the next guest... On Christmas holiday novelty songs, we have officially banned the "The Singing Dogs" "The Jingle Cats" and "Elmo and Patsy" in our household due to excessive overplay. We do still rock out to Vince Guarladi's "A Charlie Brown Christmas" after 20 + years. |
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ErichTroudt
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Tue, Nov 30, 2004 5:17 PM
Don't get me started on Holiday gimmick songs. I'd like to take that jingle bells Barking Dog record, find the guy who invented it and stick it up his coal chute. This applies to meowing cats as well. Grandma got runover by a reindeer, yeah, that was funny, when I was 8..... Also lets take a minute to talk about "That" relative. You know, the Scammin, get rich quick scheming "hey buddy, I got this new money making idea that would be perfect for you". Or the Cousin Eddie-esque guy who is slightly drunk, hits you up for a loan or a job all the while he's eyeballing all the female cousins. But enough with the complaints....next post will be my strange and unusual ways of bringing Holiday Joy to...me. |
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stuff-o-rama
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Tue, Nov 30, 2004 8:13 PM
Exhibit A: My oldest sister comes to visit every 3 weeks for the past 4 years. I love my sister, but if she weren't related I probably wouldn't hang out with her if you know what I mean. This Thanksgiving, she invited herself to my house as she was driving here (no notice). My youngest sister intervened and convinced her to stay with her this time (as I was about to go insane). On day two my 15 year-old nephew sent me this e-mail:
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ZebraTiki
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Tue, Nov 30, 2004 10:24 PM
Cats playing football, running the school paper & starring in "Brigadoon"? At least that's news. It must be a pain carpooling them around, though. |
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Gigantalope
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Tue, Nov 30, 2004 11:16 PM
Venison IS THE perfect Yule Food...tasty, and offensive. Yet another gripe I have are people that have thier identity (and thus what they want for a gift) associated with a Licensed Product. Harley stuff for example...mugs, clocks, shirts. |
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ErichTroudt
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Wed, Dec 1, 2004 1:08 AM
Okay as you may have read in my previous posts, I'm not a big X-mas guy. So here are a few things I like to do that brings me Holiday Joy. When exiting the mall, walk slowly thru the parking lot. Wait for that car to start following you, thinking they are going to get your spot. Walk right up to any car in a space up front. I swear you'll see their mouths salivate. But then, take your time, fumble with your keys, pretend to talk on your phone, anything to stall, then in an overdramitical fashion exclaim "This isn't my car" and walk away. Their expression will be priceless and more than likely won't be in true holiday cheer. Spanish X-mas cards. I like to send all my friends and family Spanish holiday cards. Then count how many hours and days it takes for one of them to call you about "Why". Also, if you visit their house, you can make a bet whether or not they displayed it with the rest of their cards. A poem in the Holiday card....well, sort of. Take some Barry White, Lou Rawls, Al Green or Teddy Pendagrass lyrics about love and/or happiness and make it a poem you put in your holiday cards. See how long it takes before anyone realizes it. (last year it was Lou Rawls, "you'll never find a love like mine") Relatives house that has "the front room". You know that real fancy furniture, with white carpet. The "we only sit in here on Holidays" and normally keep plastic seat covers room. Nothing like a gag store plastic fake barf, melted ice cream, or fake dog doo to watch the panic set in. Get into every picture. One year I snuck into the background of every picture on x-mas eve. far enough in the background not to draw attention, but close enough. Noticeable enough that several weeks after X-mas I got a call from my Grandmother asking why I choose to be making a silly face in all the pictures. Okay, saving the best for last. This will take some practice and acting, but I swear its so worth it. Take a fresh roll of film. Pull the tab so the film comes all the way out. then roll the film up around the outside of the roll. place it in your pocket. I hope some of you try these things, while the people around you may not think its funny, you'll be having a good time. |
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Gigantalope
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Wed, Dec 1, 2004 8:23 AM
Yeah ErichTroudt! We call the game Parkshark...good fun. Another photo tip I like is when you take the picture...say...Okay everybody....ONE....TWO....then snap before the smile and suck in the gut...then say THREE after the flash. I've actually gotten some great pictures that way...lots of grimaces. [ Edited by: Gigantalope on 2004-12-01 08:24 ] |
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cynfulcynner
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Wed, Dec 1, 2004 10:53 AM
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PolynesianPop
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Wed, Dec 1, 2004 11:05 AM
Whenever someone asks me to take a group picture of them I intentionally cut their heads off. Of course, this doesn't work with digital cameras because they always want to see the pic right after you take it. But the good 'ol 35mm point and shoots are great for this. It happened to me first -- now I'm spreading the love... |
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docwoods
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Wed, Dec 1, 2004 12:39 PM
Cynfulcynner-I bet it's hard to find little helmets and jerseys in cat sizes-plus they have a tough time kicking field goals. |
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cynfulcynner
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Wed, Dec 1, 2004 2:30 PM
I can get the uniforms, but I can't get them to play together as a team! They both want to do their own thing. |
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Tiki-bot
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Wed, Dec 1, 2004 3:01 PM
You know how everyone on the 'net is always saying LOL and ROTFLMAO, spitting Coke on my keyboard and all those things you know they are not actually doing? I was eating salad and dressing almost shot out of my nose upon reading this. Good thing my cube-mate wasn't around to see that. This is so damn funny...childish, but funny. |
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docwoods
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Wed, Dec 1, 2004 3:25 PM
Cynfulcynner-that's cats for you-they're not exactly the team sport types. |
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ErichTroudt
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Wed, Dec 1, 2004 10:58 PM
Hey Tiki-Bot...glad you enjoyed it. Give it a try. Just be careful with all the digital cameras around, you gotta wait for an old school 35mm camera. All my relatives know better than to leave their cameras unattended, if they do, off to the bathroom I go with their camera. See, the real horror about X-mas is that I married Mrs Christmas. My wife LOVES christmas. She's watching and enjoying the Nick And Jessica special right now as I type. It looks like it threw up X-mas all over my house. See was excited the other day because 103 went all 24 hr x-mas music. So when I do these funny things, she gives me that sad, you're ruining x-mas look. Welcome to my world |
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Johnny Dollar
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Mon, Dec 6, 2004 7:58 AM
do you all have these "stein mart" holiday commercials around you? the ones with the 'hip' soccer moms in sequins? argh. |
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Gigantalope
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Mon, Dec 6, 2004 8:00 AM
I like the Wal-Mart adds which show the shoppers as fit middle class, english speakers with full sets of teeth. |
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hiltiki
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Mon, Dec 6, 2004 9:09 AM
my holiday gripe would be having to hear everyone else's holiday gripe. How about taking a nice vacation to the South Pacific or Hawaii between Dec. 10 and Dec. 28th. Come to think about it I would love to be there myself,where hopefully there is no bad Christmas music.... |
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Tikiwahine
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Mon, Dec 6, 2004 11:30 AM
Erich, I feel for you. I'm Christmas crazy too. My digital cable has three christmas music channels right now, unfortunately I have only pavarotti or celine dion (shudder) to choose from. Where's the 24 hour x-mas jazz channel? I have only two holiday gripes. The fact that I haven't had a white Christmas since I was 4, and I live in Canada for f*ck sake! And my Uncle brings his 2lb Yorkshire Terrier to every family event. Sure it's quiet and well behaved, but I'd love to see what they'd do if I brought 95lb Gypsy with me! |
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ErichTroudt
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Wed, Nov 30, 2005 11:47 PM
Since it is now officially December, I feel its only right to "bump" this thread. Enjoy all the holiday gripes. |
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pappythesailor
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Thu, Dec 1, 2005 2:12 PM
The worst:
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Erika
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Fri, Dec 2, 2005 10:12 AM
This year, the thing that's bugging me is the overpopulation of giant inflatable lawn decorations. The numbers have been going up and up over the last few years, and now "I can't stands no more!," as Popeye would say. Sadly, I'm too much the law-abiding citizen to follow my instincts and go around popping them with a machete. |
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cynfulcynner
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Fri, Dec 2, 2005 8:30 PM
The self-inflating snow globes that spew Styrofoam "snow" inside are the creepiest holiday decorations I've ever seen. Mrsmiley needs one for his roof! :lol: |
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stuff-o-rama
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Fri, Dec 2, 2005 9:56 PM
My Dad drug me to WalMart today against my will. I was slack jawed at the massive amounts of people shopping at 2 pm on a Friday. The longest check out line was the one that you could only buy cigarettes in, in fact it was so long, we had to manuever around it to get down the main aisle. At one point, my Dad asked me if it was "ugly day" at WalMart because there were an excessive amount of unattractive people around us. (I'm sure they could've said the same about us). They all looked like those people you see in downtown Vegas who pay the penny slots... The other thing WalMart had going was TVs on every aisle blasting at ear-shattering volumes various TV commercials and music videos from their WalMart compilations (now only $5.97!). Not to mention averting clerks stocking shelves and battling through mountains of boxes while being run over by people on motorized shopping carts only to inch your way through an aisle... it was my own personal nightmare! When did this habit of re-stocking during business hours become OK? I would think, especially in litigious California, that it would be an insurance risk. It honestly took us close to an hour for him to purchase his medication and pick up his new glasses. I can't imagine what that place is like during the shopping rush! Get me outta here! |
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ErichTroudt
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Fri, Dec 2, 2005 10:47 PM
I believe one can truly reach the introductory level of White Trash if While shopping at Wal Mart, you take a break and eat lunch at the Mc Donalds inside. Higher levels of white Trash can be reached if you do the following: Bring a magazine from the magazine aisle to read while you eat. (not actually purchasing the magazine or not returning it to the aisle gets bonus points) Wearing your slippers or house shoes while shopping and eating at Walmart. Buying Mc Donalds and eat it as your strolling thru the aisles. |
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TikiJosh
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Sat, Dec 3, 2005 12:24 AM
Some of these gripes are hilarious! I have to agree with everyone who dislikes Mannheim Steamroller. Just couldn't ever get behind it. My other peeve musically is Hillary Duff's Christmas album. Huh? Who's Hillary Duff and why is she making a Christmas record? I saw the Celine Dion record the other day, too. I told my wife that if she upset me, I'd buy it for her and make her listen to it (mwah ha ha).
And speaking of "holidays" has anyone heard about the city of Boston calling their Christmas tree a "Holiday Tree"? Apparently, using the word Christmas just offends too many people, so now it's a holiday tree. I guess we can use 'em all the time. I plan on getting out my silver christmas tree for Memorial Day, and possibly Martin Luther King's Birthday. |
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pappythesailor
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Sat, Dec 3, 2005 2:25 AM
It doesn't suprise me--look at the title to THIS topic. |
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cynfulcynner
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Sat, Dec 3, 2005 9:26 PM
And what's the deal with the Trans-Siberian Orchestra? Those guys don't look Russian to me! :D |
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TikiJosh
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Sun, Dec 4, 2005 10:22 PM
HA (with a snort thrown in)! |
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WenikiTiki
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Sat, Dec 10, 2005 4:14 AM
My pet peeve with the Christmas Season is distant relatives who sign their Christmas cards with some extra names: Did they adopt Isiah 7:14, Matthew 1:18-25 and Luke 2:1-20 and forget to tell me? |
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TikiTikiTavi
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Sat, Dec 10, 2005 6:01 AM
I have one "Holiday Gripe" and that is having to call "Christmas" by some other non-offensive name because people are offended by the word "Christmas." |
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cynfulcynner
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Mon, Dec 12, 2005 5:47 AM
When does Festivus begin? |
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WenikiTiki
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Mon, Dec 12, 2005 7:58 AM
Last week I started a one woman campaign to smile sweetly at each and every sales clerk who greets me with a "Happy Holidays" and reply "Merry Christmas"... I was pondering maybe having 6 greetings and just rotating them, but figure it would be too confusing! I also got a huge laugh out of the "Holiday" trees and "Santa" trees being sold on the corners! HAPPY CHRISMAHANAQUANZAKA TO ALL! |
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Erika
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Mon, Dec 12, 2005 10:09 AM
The Borough of Stratford, N.J., where I live, had this in the "Mayor's Newsletter" they sent out recently: "The Borough offices will be closed on Bah ha ha ha! (Usually it's the writing in the local school district's newsletter that makes me laugh, but this year the overall award may have to go to the mayor's office, just for that one spectacular sentence.) |
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pappythesailor
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Mon, Dec 12, 2005 10:53 AM
I spent 20 minutes (don't tell my boss) and made a "Down with 'Holiday'" button to wear when Christmas shopping. I can't wait to try it out. |
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WenikiTiki
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Thu, Dec 15, 2005 11:36 PM
For some odd reason this made me start singing a parody of "Up with People" in my twisted head... Now on to my almost forgotten but truly biggest holiday gripe: The recycled gift! I make Ikebana vases and usually bring those as hostess gifts, with a flower arrangement in them. I had brought her one when she hosted a tea a few months ago. So maybe she just felt like she should bring a gift? For the record a nice bottle (or box) of pink wine works fine for me. For your viewing pleasure this is a simple Ikebana vase and arrangement: |
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johntiki
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Fri, Dec 16, 2005 7:02 PM
Unfortunately I’ve observed the mayhem that is Walmart at 5:50 on Christmas Eve and it was without a doubt one of the most disturbing scenes I've ever witnessed. This was probably 8 years ago, before my wife and I were even married, and I had just picked her up from work so we could drive directly to the yearly Christmas Eve revelry at my Aunt Carol’s. She used to work in downtown Baltimore, close to the gargantuan Walmart right off Key Highway, and I decided I’d hop in real quick and grab a few last minute treats for my nephews. As soon as I edged the car into the parking lot I should have just turned around, put my foot to the floor and gotten the hell out of there. But considering I had time to kill and I had always been oddly curious about those “few last minute shoppers picking up a few odds and ends.” Being a guy I’m not a stranger to last minute shopping but I’ve never dangled my toes over the edge of the “belated Christmas present cliff,” I usually wait until the last Saturday before Christmas and get it ALL done in one day. But the instant I stepped through the sliding door I was horrified. The sound hit you first, the frenzied murmur of 400-500 shoppers frantically filling their carts with every conceivable item that remained on the shelves. The scratchy P.A. mic snapped on and the voice on the other end sounding both exhausted yet extremely agitated, “Walmart is closing in 10 minutes! Please make your way to the cashiers immediately! We will be closing at 6PM!” Carts were crammed shopper to shopper about 100 yards toward the back of the store and the procrastinating lot inched forward slowly with each successful check-out. The last minute, all that remained sad gifts were spilling from the hefty handcarts and shrill laughing children ran through the check-out aisles blissfully unaware that it was Christmas Eve. Obviously the parents weren’t treating these kids to any of the lovely Santa Claus mythology that made being a kid so much fun at Christmas time. When you see Mom paying for the shelf-worn Tonka truck at the neighborhood mega-mart 12 hours before it miraculously appears under the tree, it quickly erases from your little mind any belief in the Jolly Fat Man and his 8 tiny reindeer. But the most disturbing element of the whole chaotic scene was the lack of concern on any of the shopper’s faces… here it was 6 hours from Christmas and no one appeared concerned. They just stood in line selfishly ignoring the increasingly frantic calls from the employees who wanted to get out of the god-forsaken store at a decent hour and get home to their friends and families. I just stood there for a good minute, mouth agape, observing the mayhem. I quickly turned and left when I felt like vomiting. It was a vile scene that I vow to never see again! |
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powerofthetiki
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Wed, Dec 21, 2005 6:13 PM
This crap has got to be the biggest annoyance. I hate these bags of shit. I feel like shooting the crap out of this shit every time I see them !!! [ Edited by: powerofthetiki 2005-12-21 18:14 ] |
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cynfulcynner
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Thu, Dec 22, 2005 2:53 AM
One advantage of living in San Francisco is that few people have front yards, and those who do would never decorate with something so bourgeois. :roll: [ Edited by: cynfulcynner 2005-12-22 09:01 ] |
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alohabros
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Thu, Dec 22, 2005 3:17 PM
... how is that an advantage, and to whom is it advantageous... ... isn't the cost of living rather high in sf... @45th highest in the world and 2nd highest in the usa... seems a rather bourgeois destination... |
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pappythesailor
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Fri, Dec 23, 2005 8:37 PM
Yeah. Who wants to live someplace with no front yard? That's where I put my junk cars. |
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tikivixen
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Sat, Dec 24, 2005 12:31 AM
My theory is that alohabros gets a free drink every time he makes a smart remark about someone else's post. |
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mbonga
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Sat, Dec 24, 2005 1:36 PM
My theory is that the only difference between Christmas time and other times is that because more people are crammed into the same areas, the public's usual inconsiderateness and unawareness are amplified. Whereas ordinarily one person not making a right turn at a light would normally hold up only 1-3 cars, at a shopping mall on Christmas weekend, they hold up about 15 cars. Whereas normally I can't walk down a Wal-Mart aisle without somebody backing up into me while I'm walking, or having the entire aisle blocked by a single cart, now I can barely even move in there at all. Whereas normally a teenaged girl coughing from a cold without covering her mouth would be several feet away from everybody else, now several people are within vapor range of her. Whereas ordinarily if a driver can't see a turnoff sign in time, there is room to change lanes, now they hold up about 20 cars in each of two lanes while they attempt to change lanes. Add to that all the businesses closing a day early so I can't get typical chores done, and the frustrations mount even more. Today is Christmas Eve and I ain't budging from home today. Last year at this time I lived across from a big shopping mall and I woke up thinking there was a wedding or something because of all the honking going on at the intersection outside my apartment. But it was just Christmas shoppers in a 4-block-long traffic jam, angry at each other. The honking went on all day long. It was unreal. The only reason I would even consider getting out today is to document all the madness and angry faces with my digital camera, for amusement purposes and for posting on the Internet. [ Edited by: mbonga 2005-12-24 14:10 ] [ Edited by: mbonga 2005-12-24 14:11 ] [ Edited by: mbonga 2005-12-24 14:12 ] |
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stuff-o-rama
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Sat, Dec 24, 2005 2:24 PM
My one gripe this year (in the wacky world of retail) was a phone call I received yesterday (Dec 23rd) from a boisterous woman on the phone who was screaming at me the second I said hello. She explained she was on the web site, she wanted to order an item that was noted "out of stock", she wanted it overnight delivery to NYC, she would not take NO for an answer and ended with "I'm a paying customer, how are you going to make this happen for me?" I was so caught off guard, all I could do was laugh. It just happened, all the bottled up stress just came out in hysterical laughter! So now she's fuming at me, I explained the item in question was sold out, I did not have any "hidden away" I could not "make it happen" on short notice and that I was sorry for both not being able to help her and for laughing at her request. She volleyed various obscenities at me before slamming the phone on me. I think the transit strike must have done a number on her. I almost feel bad for laughing... |
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Bamboo Dude
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Sat, Dec 24, 2005 5:01 PM
Stuff...I am rolling on the floor, and my sides ache. Do you ever have any customers who identify themselves as "non-paying"??? Just curious. Man, I need to lay down, my stomach is killing me! |
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Chip and Andy
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Sat, Dec 24, 2005 7:45 PM
Merry Happy, since sometime this year the C word became a bad thing to say. My biggest gripe (this year) is that somehow we are not supposed to celebrate Christmas, but we are supposed to run down to our local shopping destination and buy a bunch of Christmas gifts. If we have Santa Trees and Holiday closings, does this mean that we are switching into a new phase of consumerism? Will we soon be expected to give gifts for Veterans Day or Independance Day? They are still holidays, aren't they? Mele Kalikimaka, Merry Christmas, Happy Boxing Day, Happy Hannukah, Joyous Noel, Blessed Candlemas, Fruitful Kwanza, Happy Festivus, Prosperous Solstice (or Winter Fest for you modern Druids), Happy New Year, Blessed Three Kings Day, and any others that I failed to mention. ((Put that on your HOLIDAY cards!)) :wink: And by that way.... What is up with Kwanza? I have a friend from Africa (Nairobi) who has never even heard of Kwanza..... |
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cynfulcynner
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Sat, Dec 24, 2005 9:10 PM
I don't think Kwanzaa originated in Africa. |
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paranoid123
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Sun, Dec 25, 2005 11:31 AM
That's right, Kwanzaa is of African American origin. It originated in 1966 during the civil rights movement celebrating African American culture. |
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ErichTroudt
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Sun, Dec 25, 2005 12:17 PM
Mele Kalikimaka---- how many ways can people butcher the spelling of that? Merry Christmas---- Sssshhhhh don't say that outloud, it might offend someone. Happy Boxing Day--- Please tell me I get to punch someone on boxing day....please. Happy Hannukah--- another one people can't spell or pronounce. Lets pick a universal spelling for this holiday and stick to it. Joyous Noel--- She dances at Deja Vue on the weekends. Blessed Candlemas-- Now we're just reaching...next thing we'll be celebrating the hamburglers birthday Fruitful Kwanza--- Once again, can we pick a spelling please? Happy Festivus-- Isn't that tha little car made by Ford? My neighbor has a blue one. Prosperous Solstice-- Three Kings Day--- I saw that movie and it sucked. Happy Holidays. |