Okay kids... your best fart stories.

I'm probably going to hate myself for this. But I have previously pondered posting this topic, and have always thought better of it. But now, after this thread--
https://tikicentral.com/viewtopic.php?topic=4988&forum=6&9

I think the time has come.

And besides, farts are ALWAYS funny.

So if you will all excuse me for letting this topic slip out, bring it on! Your best fart stories. Feel free to blame them on an unnamed "friend", as Constitutional presumption requires that we believe you.

I think my favorite was a coworker (of course!) introducing one with: "witness the awesome power of this fully functional Death Star."

-mig
p.s. "It's the fart game, son... you'll play it some day."

Go. Here. Now.

http://www.createafart.com/

I find this topic offensive!

Have you tuned into "the Terrance & Phillip Show" recently?

Nothing beats Crystal Chandeleir setting her pants on fire attempting a 'blue angel'.

We wanted to see if it relly worked after spending one hungover morning watching a frat boy movie... yep, it does.

Well, the responses from fartsatune and tikifish, as well as the reference to Terrance and Philip, clinch it; Canadians are funny people (and they enjoy their farting).

Sentiment from my bro Derek, when told women don't fart:

"Oh they do it, they're just not as proud of it."

Women don't fart. If they do, it smells like perfume. That's why men have to counterattack.
When I was single I ate a lot of tuna fish burritos and I wondered why nobody wanted to come into my room. Now that I eat proper, it's no longer a problem. heh,heh.

Farting Commercial
Right click on link and choose "save target as" and then select "open"

http://www.planetdognine.com/features/humor/files/rrrrip.mpeg

[ Edited by: Unga Bunga on 2003-08-09 13:21 ]

Blazing Saddles

http://www.ladyofthecake.com/mel/saddles/sounds/beans.wav

My 4 year old farted in my face the other day.

My secret recipe is a Guinness and a taqueria burrito (al pastor) con refrieds. Stay the hell out of my zip code when that happens.

My cousin always referred to lighting your farts as "the eternal blue flame". I had some friends that didn't believe it worked when we were hanging out last winter. I assured them it did and demonstrated. Briefly set my PJs on fire as well.

Just remember mig, you asked for it. I held off 'til the 10th out of respect for Int'l Tiki Day.

My younger sister has better fart stories than I do. She's been obsessed with them since she was old enough to talk. She's got a collection of farting devises and sets them off within earshot when her boss is interviewing someone for a job. He's the director of human resources.

Her husband farts all the time, even in public. But he's real chauvinistic about it and thinks it's disgusting when women fart.

One morning he happened to put his hand on her butt right when she had to fart. It was the moment she'd been waiting for since they said "I do." It was a real long fart and she could feel it was actually vibrating his hand.

He jumped up out of the bed holding his hand out in front of him like it was radioactive, completely freaked out. I think they were made for eachother.

My brother sat on my face and farted when I was little.

My husband and I both have a lot of digestive problems, so we've had to embrace all of our nasty, stank farts. If one has real staying power, we name it. So far we've had Alice and Edward (both from me!)

Okay, I wasn't going to mention this one, but what the hell. Anyway, a couple weeks ago, after a particularly enjoyable Mission burrito, I later re-enacted that Blazing Saddles scene.

By myself.

(Fortunately nobody was around.)

Also, I did have a roommate in college prove that the "blue flame" worked. In the middle of a Monopoly game played on the coffee table, he got up and squatted over a votive candle that was there and... well, you know the rest.

[ Edited by: mig on 2003-08-11 16:49 ]

While in college a group of us performed many blue flame "experiments." We'd turn off the lights in the dorm office & light'em up. We discovered that bluejeans seem to difuse the gas somewhat, making it difficult to light'em. Try wearing shorts, or something light like gaberdine. Also, one of my dormmates scorched his BVDs one evening, please be careful how high the flame is.

My wife's brother is the farter in the family, he owns a Lincoln Navigator so he can lock the doors & windows and force everyone to enjoy them as much as he does. One evening he was performing for us as usual, with much of the family as a captive audience. One of the Kentucky cousins was gasping & scrabbling at the ceiling saying: "Aren't oxygen masks supposed to drop out of this thing?"

When we first got our dog Spike (a mutant mini-pincher) my son (about 4 at the time) was playing with him and feeding him treats. I was in the kitchen and heard "OOOOOO Spike FARTED!" He ran through the dining room and threw up twice. He had just eaten watermelon so there was pink barf on his shirt. Now that's a bad stink, and my son isn't a barfer. I think he's only thrown up one other time beside that incident and he's 8, he didn't even spit up much as a baby.

Spike may be small but he packs a powerful punch! Now my big dobie, Stella, she's a belcher.

As a kid, I recall setting up my Grandma for an embarrassing moment.

We were having a large family gathering at her house and everone was sitting around the living room. All seats were taken except one. The center seat on the couch was still open and Grandma hadn't sat down yet. I quickly grabbed the whoopee cushion that I had in our car, inflated it, and placed it just under the front edge of the couch cushion. The valve was barely hanging out the front. My whole family watched what I was doing and was in on the joke.

My grandma entered the room and took her seat. Pttthhppppptthh! She was horrified! The rest of us thought it was hilarious.

Our cat used to fart everytime you picked him up, we thought it was some sort of defense mechanism...

Here's one with musical accompaniment!

http://www.misternicehands.com/

I got a written reprimand one time (they said I was in violation of some govt code) because I drove into OC jail one night and blasted a big amplified fart over the p.a. speaker of my patrol car to some other cops and prisoners standing around. They thought it was funny but the supervisor from a local dept didnt see it that way and reported me to my Sgt. I guess me wearing sunglasses and having my collar turned up ala Elvis didnt help either.

This is a non-fart fart story:

I was sitting in church (what better way to start a fart story!) and I was cupping my palms together and was getting some suction. I could feel that there was a nice seal and so I cupped them together and squeezed, and that's when and where I found I could make fart noises with my hands! I wanted to say "it wasn't me! I didn't fart, it was my hands!" and I vaguely recall holding out my hands as some sort of pantomime that was supposed to clue people in. Didn't work. I had just farted out loud in church.

Swanky....:lol:

My husband (then boyfriend) and I were going to movie on a particularly hot day. I was driving and he was planning on jumping out of the car to check the times. Just as he was about to bail out he let out the, ** seriously folks **, most horrid, rancid fart in the history of the human race. He then looked at me with a delighted look on his face and jumped out, slamming the car door behind him and trapping me inside, gagging, sitting in traffic, in 100+ degree weather, with the worst smell of all time.

I still can't believe I married that man.

Many moons ago, when I was in high school, a couple of friends and I were sitting at my buddy's place if you pardon the pun, "shootin' the s#!+". We were just farting as loud as we could, as would any normal male high schooler would, just to see who could make the loudest, longest, and smelliest fart. I don't know what we did to be able to maintain that many farts back then, maybe bean burritos or something.

Anyway we were getting to that point where you squeeze your face and abdomin to really maximize the pressure, when my friend, let out a particularly loud one go. His face suddenly turned from red-faced squeezing to that of panic, and said, "Uh-oh....can somebody take me home?"

The poor boy had crapped his pants. Yes, I took him home. But I demanded that we lined my car seats with newspaper before he could get in.