Wife hates Tiki....Now what?

I figured the Bilge was the best place for this one. I'm having one hell of a time with my wife. Up until now, she's been pretty much ok with me and my Tiki-thing as she calls it. But yesterday I told her I wanted to go to Hukilau 2005 in Florida. She just about laid down and had a cow right there on the floor. "why do we have to do what you want for 5 days"..."I'll go by I'm not going for 5 days!" bitch bitch bitch. Then she calls me selfish!!!!! Am I being selfish because I want to take 5 out of 365 days a year to attend a tiki event that is, yes, just for me?

Do any of you out there have a significant other that doesn't like, understand, or detest tiki? And how do you deal with it?

ARRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

My wife just rolls her eyes alot... But she's pretty cool about the whole thing; even finding mugs for me now & then. But then again she's trying to get me to sell my Witco outrigger because she thinks it's ugly.

As for your situation, is there anytime in history where you put up with her crap and/or family for 5 days? Now could be her time to pay up. Or maybe you'll have to promise to go to her Precious Moments Conclave next year. My advice? go alone or with a buddy. you'll probably have more fun anyway (without having to justify or explain yourself every 10 minutes) Then again, if she does go, maybe she'll understand what the fuss is about when she sees 100's of others having a great time.

Honestly, if she's that unwilling to let you indulge in your passion for 5 days (or share it with you) no amount of advice from anyone here is gonna help.

-Z

[ Edited by: Feelin' Zombified on 2005-05-11 12:11 ]

My wife doesn't particularly love tiki but she tends to tolerate it more than any of my other obsessions. I know if I dragged her kicking and screaming to Hukilau we'd have another full fledged tikiphile in our midst but I think she purposely avoids doing so. I think she's afraid the havoc two tiki fans under one roof could wreak on our bank accounts. :)

Oddly enough she tends to like tiki a lot more after a couple Missionary's Downfalls.

Eeegads! She doesn't like Tiki?
I had heard there were people like that on the planet.
You know living in LA you have plenty of oportunities to meet up with the local Tiki enthusiasts, this would give her a chance to make her own friends in the group and maybe find her own little spot in the Tiki community. My family and friends used to hassle me over tiki too. Now they get it, they like that I have found TC, a place to be able to share my enthusiasm for tiki with others who are like minded, it relieved them of having to listen to me go on and on about things that don't interest them (tiki). Give her some time and try to include her in little doses at first, then before you know it she'll be good and hooked! Honestly, it was the wonderful creative people, the bands and music that brought my husband over to join me on the dark side. Muhahahah!

is there anytime in history where you put up with her crap and/or family for 5 days?

____________________________________-

Oh yeah, more than 5 days! She's not a total tiki hater, but she just doesn't particularly like it and certainly doesn't get it. I think the idea of going alone or with a buddy is the best. Maybe I can offer to take her to Miami and Key West on the trip after Hukilau. Hmm. There's an idea.

Get her in touch with other PEOPLE in the group. In the end, this fascination is all about the people not a bunch of overpriced possesions gathering dust.

My wife lets me pursue my passion and has even relented to a tiki decorated living room. She really took interest in it when she started attending events with me and talking with the other folks.

Now when I show up without her everyone asks why she didnt come? She enjoys everyones company.

More than one wife/S.O. has come back from Hukilau having had a good time when they went down there expecting hell.

It also depends on your relationship dynamics. Can you not play with your friends while she enjoys a day on the beach, etc?

Honestly, it's a lot harder to tolerate a tiki collection, etc in the house than a very fun bunch of super nice people at a 4 day party at the beach and the Mai Kai. A wife who is just tolerating the tiki thing at home will likely have a great time at Hukilau and may come home with a real idea of what it's all about.

Don't drag her kicking and screaming, tie her up and gag her first. :wink: She'll at least not hate you for it, and may love you for it. Think of it as the big payoff for all this tiki in the house she puts up with.

I am in the same boat - but for us, it works. She is a better-than average equestrian (Red-Jacket USET at 16, Olympic Team in 1980 - when that peanut-farmer President pulled the plug on Moscow), and I personally don't know which end of the horse has the head attached - nor do I care. But - I go to "horsey things" with her, and she lets me hang with the ohana. The key is to strike a balance - in all things, of course - but especially when it come to time spent. "Trade-offs" often work - in my case, the tiki is going to be done strictly solo - except on very rare occasions. Wife is also four-years sober - and does not like to be around the rum-soaked atmosphere of the typical tiki gathering. That's cool. When we're together - it's great. Other times, well - we both have our own passions - it works for us. It took some doing to move tiki into the house - but - slowly but surely....

:tiki:

Looks like it's time for a good divorce attorney

why does she have to attend? she can always come down with you, but spend the five days as a restful vacation spent poolside at whatever hotel motel you're at. or she can go to the beach. i love vacations where i do nothing. no schedule, no itinerary.

or she can stay home, and listen to you say how great a time you are having. and you can remind her that you are not being selfish because she has five whole days to herself to spend however she wants.

All excellent suggestions.
And here's another possibility for the Hukilau problem: might it be a good time for her to visit her folks (if they don't live in your town)? Sort of the separate vacation idea.

But I like best getting her to meet some of the ohana beforehand, then letting her do whatever she wants the whole time in Florida - hang with her newfound friends OR lounge by the pool/on the beach/shop in Miami OR all of the above!

Like Monkeyman said, we don't gather because of a bunch of dusty old carvings - it's because we really enjoy each others' company (I adore his wife and kids! Those two little waifs hung the moon in my book!) I'd travel to a completely tiki-free zone if my TC kin were gathering there! But a Mai Kai or a Hala Kahiki is a very yummy icing on the cake :wink:

(OK, yeah, I'd go armed with a camera to a place with just dusty ol' tikis and no ohana, too, and I do so whenever possible!!)

ok - I will admit this... when I started dating mr. pineapple-bot, I wasn't into tiki at all. I had a friend at work who was into it, so I knew vaguely what it was about. When Mr. Bot told me of his 'interest' in tiki, I mentioned I had a friend, Otto, that was 'sort of into tiki' (hahahah, still cracks me up!)

Anyway - I've always enjoyed a fine cocktail, but I'm actually a little shy about meeting new folks, especially ones I think I don't have anything in common with, and since I wasn't that into tiki, I thought I would have nothing to talk to these people about.

I will say that one of the stupidest and worst fights we ever had was before the first tiki crawl we were supposed to go on. It's a little intimidating, you feel like a dork because you don't have any cool aloha wear, don't know the difference between a Moai and a Maori (or if you're even spelling it right) and I didn't realize that pretty much no one cared, or was judging me. Everything I said seemed to me like the chick in Spinal Tap, who thought the record should have mixed in Doubly :wink:

After 4 years of going to the Oasis and other events, I feel really comfortable hanging out, and I've made lots of friends. You kind of have to ease your S/O into stuff that you're really into. I actually know a little about tikis, and I've allowed my house to be slowly swallowed by them. The thing that really won me over was the people, but it took some time before I felt like I could jump into the conversation and not embarrass myself! The thing about the tiki central people, is they have lots of interests outside of tiki, music, art, red meat, etc. You can tell from the lively discussions on the Beyond and Bilge forums, that most of the people who are active, have a wide variety of interests, and they are generally good people. I think if you ease the wifey into it, and try to find some other wives or girlfriends who are dipping a toe in, they can roll their eyes together and talk about shoes, or Brad Pitt or whatever, and you can just keep bringing the mai tais, and buy her a really cute piece of jewelry from Purple Jade!

[ Edited by: mrs. pineapple on 2005-05-11 15:56 ]

[ Edited by: mrs. pineapple on 2005-05-11 16:13 ]

I love Mrs Pineapple, not only because of that nice plug, but because she referenced Spinal Tap in the same post.

As most TC'ers who've met me know, I attend about 90% of TC events without my better half. She's just not into tiki. However, the few events that she does attend she really enjoys. She knows all my TC friends and their families and gives me absolutely no hassles about the time I spend with them. I think her knowing them makes it easier about being cool with it.

And talk about pushing it -- the SF Crawl Weekend this year was on our Anniversary and Oasis V Weekend was on Mother's Day. We even spent New Years Eve at the Tropics with my TC friends.

Wow, come to think of it, I guess I can be a selfish ass myself..... in that case, tell her to suck it up -- she's got Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, Mothers Day and her Birthday. 5 days = your even.

I am thankful every rum-soaked day that my lovely wife is just as obsessed as I am. Nothing quite like the feeling of giving and recieving vintage mugs for most major holidays!

Tell her you'll miss her.

The heck with match.com, I'm posting on TC for my next wahine!

PapeToaTane,

I think we married twins. My wife is not Olympic level, but she is passionate about horseback riding. If you are going to Hukilau we should just introduce our wives and slip off to Mai Tai land.

Ah I think you might have hit on something Raff!
Find another bored spouse with similar interests to pal around with yours!

Add me to the Tiki-hating wife club....

I talked her into going to the first
Hukilau here in Lauderdale, she went and wasn't into it. From then on I've been doing my own Tiki thing with no problems, she actually ecourages me.

The first Tiki event I attended solo was Tiki Torch Night at Mai Kai. Had an excellent time and got to meet some of the Florida bruddahs.
There is nothing better that meeting and
partying with like minded tiki ohana!

Send her to one of the spas in Miami for a few days to "pamper" her and she can join you at the Mai Kai.

My 20 year old sister who couldn't tell the difference between a muppet and a tiki fell in love with the Mai Kai. It's so magical, it can transform anyone!

Its all about finding a balance. Like you spend 5 days tiki-ing your heart out, and she spends 5 days at a relaxation spa. Doesn't have to be at the same time. Just both partners have to feel like they are getting an equal share of the good stuff.

Thats my 2 bobs worth

OH MY GOD. I am so sorry about this! How horrific!

I am not married. But my significant other was not that into tiki when I met him. He thought it looked ok and even fun, but barely gave it all much thought. When he got to know me, he liked me so much that he wanted to get into my interests so we would have even more in common, and be able to do things together. He wanted to please me, and started looking up tiki places to take me to so that I would be happy about our dates! He even took me to my first visit to the Mai Kai (I wasnt living in Ft Lauderdale yet, and lived pretty far from it. He drove me all the way, and pulled out all the stops. We shared our very first kiss in the Mai Kai gardens! And he started buying me tiki mugs to make me smile. But the fun thing is... through buying me tiki stuff to make ME happy, he started seeing stuff HE liked! He took me to The Hukilau and while helping me find items for my new apartment. (I loved The Mai Kai so much that I MOVED from where I had been living about an hour and a half away, to a new apartment 15 minutes away, which HE found for me. He is a realtor by day.) While we were looking at merchandise for ME, he started to see things HE liked for HIMSELF! And when bands played, he got all into them and would go buy the CDs! Now its about a year later, and we are living together in the same apartment. Close to The Mai Kai. And we are tikifying the pad together, and he is suddenly really embracing tiki. We go to events together, look for mugs together, go to happy hour at the Mai Kai together, you name it.

I guess he just got into tiki because he was so into me? How loveable is THAT?!!! :D What a catch! :D Now I have started trying to set up a home-based tiki business. Guess who asked to be my manager? :)

As for you, just go alone! Can you do that? We will all have so much fun together! You will love it, and she will be able to stay at home and rest and stuff! Come without her. Its your life, and you need to live it. :wink: 5 days out of 365 in a year isnt too much to ask. COME TO HUKILAU! :D

~L :wink:

Congrats Digitiki on your "Major Award!" It really is an honor to have witnessed a topic rise from the musty Bilge and ascend into the lofty realm of the Main Discussion Area! I'll be able to tell this to my grandchildren one day!

Mr. ZebraTiki really is only tiki by proxy, and I am a double offender, as I drag him to all sorts of equestrian events, the poor guy. Much like dealing with animals that have a "what's in it for me?" mindset, I present all the facts that make it appealing to him, i.e. "I'll spend more money if you're not there to talk me out of my frenzy," or describe massive dining and snacking opportunities, or mention that there will be great musicians there.
Sometimes the best tactic is that there are other significant others there that are in the same boat, so to speak.

I find that some people just haven't had a wonderfully flooded with tiki experience of the decor, sublime drinks, and the right music, but once they have a really positive experience, they come around... well sort of.

Unga-
I didn't know that the pomegranite-bowling hedgehog was the symbol of un-bilgedom awards... I learn something new every day!

Raffertiki: Yeah - when it gets in their blood early - horses are an impossible (albeit healthy) addiction to try and break!! My wife started at 6 - rode as a top Junior, but got out of the irons to go to college and start her career. When she started making enough money (I don't have to tell YOU what a money-pit the equestrian arts can be!! Makes tiki-mug collecting look penny-ante!) - the first thing she did was go out and buy a fancy little bay hunter. We've owned as many as five at one time, but thank God we're down to one again!! Although she sometimes (rarely lately) gets to Devon (Philly), Capitol Challenge (D.C.) and M.S.G. (your neck-o-the-woods NYC) - she's strictly on the West Coast, SCHSA, H.I.T.S. circuit. As for Hukilau - oh, how I wish, bruddah! This is on-topic: When I suggested it, she asked me to "just shoot her in the head" instead. I guess that means "no" :) But I know horsewomen - and you betcha our wives would hit it off!! They'd be talking in equestri-code in no time!! I'll take ya up on the mai tai offer someday, though - I promise! You never know in the world of tiki....and horses!

Thank Bog I'm single. If I place an ad, I'm going to say that prospective candidates must be into Tiki Culture. Others need not reply.

Hey Digitiki
Some people don't want to be drug into a new lifestyle...

My wife tolerates a little bit, and likes it in moderation (Tiki)but when it gets to be too much she becomes...she...displays...moods which I know mean trouble.

I've found that communicating a bit of what you like about tiki stuff makes it easier to get bigger doses...even road trips if they involve a trade-off of stuff she likes. (Theatre)

She drug me to a Fondu Restaurant last week for example...(seethe) where we spent 150.00 on superbowl snacks.

She knows it wasn't my thing, but now feels a bit more compelled to spend a day when we're on vacation checking out Tiki stuff.

I dont even need to explain my situation, those of you who know me never ever see me with my significant other. I like it , I have a better time, he likes it he is having a better time by himself. Digitiki, seems like you asked her to go with you, you shouldnt. In case you think she will be upset if you go alone, just buy her a diamond ring and tell her you will see her in 5 days. Good luck dear!!!!!!!

I'm confused. Are you forcing her to go? Does she have to follow you everywhere to keep an eye on you? Why don't you just travel alone?

Give her the illusion that the trip is more about spending time with her and that the Hukileau is just another diversion. Take her on an airboat ride, snorkeling in the keys and dinner on Las Olas - then sneak away and have a good time. OR leave her at home and have a better time.

Raffertiki, I like your idea about slipping off for a mai tai!!! I'm there.

I'm not forcing her to go at all, in fact I offered to go by myself which didn't go over very well, because she sees it as me having a fun vacation and she doesn't. Oh well, can't win for loosing.

Actually we had a long talk about it and we compromised. We're going to try to do a week before Hukilau and hit Miami and Key West and then end the trip at Hukilau. She seems to be quite happy with that. The good part is that she may not be into tiki like me, but she is into mai tais! So, after a few mai tais, she won't care where she is! LOL

Ahhh, see! Your wife likes mai tais. That was an important piece of the equation that we didn't know. She is well on her way then. Everything is going to work out just fine. Better start thinking of her TC name, she'll need it before long. :drink:

And don't forget to buy her a cool Purple Jade necklace! Mr. Pineapple bought one for me early on, and it's nice to have a conversation starter :)

mr. p and I have a deal, he doesn't ask how much I spend on shoes, and I don't ask how much he spends on tiki!

This reminds me of what I used to see when I owned a record store. I'd see a couple walk by, and the husband would look in the door longingly, and not missing a stride, the wife would grab the arm of the husband and drag him off down the street.

Or worse they would come in, and after about 5 minutes the wife would begin to bitch and moan about how bored she was.

My wife would watch this with me, and be astounded. Not that shes into record collecting. But when we go out, and I see a record store, we usually just agree that I'll be in the shop, she knows where to find me, and she will go off looking for a store that suits her fancy.

Works like a charm for both of us. But I am glad that she loves thrift shops and antique malls. I know what she collects, and love to find stuff to tell her about. And she knows what I like, and does the same.

And she understands Tiki. Ain't she sumthin?

[ Edited by: TikiGardener on 2005-05-12 11:30 ]

Put yourself in her shoes. What if she had a hobby that you weren't interested in that would soak up all of your family's vacation days? You have to admit, it's got to be frustrating to feel like your only choices when it comes to your very precious vacation days are to do something that you don't particularly like, or doing something alone instead of being with your favorite person in the world. That sucks.

Tiki is great and all, but family comes first, and you have to decide together as a family how you're going to spend your time, or risk growing apart. If you want to get her into tiki, work with her find middle ground to get her started. Tiki is a massive world, you are aware of what it encompasses and she might not be. Think about the parts that she might like and get creative about introducing her to them, even if it's the parts of tiki that don't necessarily thrill you. Back off on some of the things about tiki that she currently finds irksome -- pick your battles.

And be willing to explore and actually get into the non-tiki things that she's into that you don't particularly care for so there's a trade-off and you don't feel like you're living separate lives. The separate-lives business works for some couples, but it seems to spell trouble for most of them.

We're going to try to do a week before Hukilau and hit Miami and Key West and then end the trip at Hukilau.

Good plan. After Key West she will be so mellowed out that she can't help but have a good time.

I'm going straight in, and have to come up with a plan B now that PapeToaTane bailed on me. Just kidding PTT.

Actually she's been coming around since the Tiki party I had last summer. Here's hoping the Mai Kai puts her over the edge into the tiki state of mind.

And let me know, whoever still wants to sneak off for a Mai Tai.

I need to put Mrs. Pineapple on the payroll.

I think Humuhumu made a great point, concerning introducing her to parts of tiki that she might like. My wife loves her TV Sea Horse mug, especially when filled with a Mai Tai; however, she hates Exotica. So, I played a lttle classic Hawaiian music and the rum kicked in.

My wife used to hassle me about my tiki room looking all tacky (just the way I like it!)

Then I told her I wanted to join the U.S. Army, and her worries about my tiki room went away.

Another thing I did was set up a neighborhood annual tiki party at my house. Now all the tiki stuff I buy can be expensed to the household party budget.

She loves having a nice party, and I think she might actually be proud of the tiki party we put on. She was even hacking on the cheap tiki stuff at party city the other day, commenting on how our stuff is much more "authentic polynesian pop".

My wife is definitely in the 'eyes rolling but puts up with it' camp. She's fine with me going off to events like the Wild Weekend for a few days, and even made sure to look for a house with a basement when we were house-hunting. What she isn't into is getting dragged around foreign cities, looking for Tiki bars armed with crappy directions scribbled on the back of a piece of paper. It's happened too many times - whoops!

Trader Woody

Shoot,there are certainly worse things you could be interested in-at the end of the month the hotel my husband works at is having a Japanese rope bondage convention.No fooling-classes and seminars and everything.Try talking someone's significant other in trying THAT on for size!

On 2005-05-13 11:23, docwoods wrote:
Shoot,there are certainly worse things you could be interested in-at the end of the month the hotel my husband works at is having a Japanese rope bondage convention.No fooling-classes and seminars and everything.Try talking someone's significant other in trying THAT on for size!

I've seen pictures of that somewhere, but I"m NOT going to admit where...

On 2005-05-11 18:59, dwaphoto wrote:
I am thankful every rum-soaked day that my lovely wife is just as obsessed as I am. Nothing quite like the feeling of giving and recieving vintage mugs for most major holidays!

Same here.

Dude,

Take her to Hawaii.

I guarantee she will convert after that.

If not, it's a lost cause.

See you at Huki Lau!