Jokes (some good, some stupid)

edited because I was an insensitive prick to people with disabilities

"If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space." Lou Whitaker

[ Edited by: jungletrader on 2003-12-10 14:40 ]

[ Edited by: Jungle Trader 2005-09-20 19:29 ]

what do you call this:

...wait you can't see what i'm doing.

damn that was stupid.

Shania Twain throws a party for six hundred of her loyal fans. It is held in the largest auditorium in Timmins, Ont.

It is a great success. At the height of the festivities, Neil Young, flying in from Los Angeles on his private jet, enters the crowded
auditorium. Shania is so excited she yells out, "Neil!"

All six hundred of her devoted fans kneel down.

hey heres a truly dirty joke...... are you ready

A little boy fell in a mud puddle!

ya know what you call a man with no arm and no legs floating in a river don't ya? BOB

Welcome to the Tribe drunken hat!
Hopefully you heard better jokes then that at the Pepsi party.

well now that you mention it....they had a magician/comedian at the x-mas party. the jokes he told were about as funny as mine. however the level of excitement that he displayed while trying to escape a straight jacket got quite a laugh from our group that was sitting in the first table!

sorry for not making jokes up to par...TARZAN.

heheheh....

:drink:

....and i would just like to clarify that i missed that entire joke at the party merely due to the fact that I DO NOT LOOK at the groin area.... i cant believe everyone else saw THAT.

:oops:

Okay drunken hat, so you're due for a funny one then. Come on....there's got to be a funny one under that hat. No white rabbits please, I seen enough of those back in the daze of Grace Slick.

Tarzan the Ape Man surfing thru the trees.

What do you hear guys say on the golf course but would NEVER say in a brothel?

Bite damnit you whore!

A man had 50-yard-line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the second man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

The ticket holder says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

This joke is more of a visual so you'll have to visualize it...if I can tell it correctly...it's been years......
This man is sitting in his seat at a baseball game and the guy in front of him is swaying back and forth. It's very hard for the man to see the game because of the guy swaying back and forth in the seat in front of him, so the man taps on the guy's shoulder and politely asks him to stop. The guy stops for a few minutes then resumes the swaying back and forth. Once again the man taps on his shoulder and politely asks him to stop swaying because he can't see the game. The guy stops but quickly resumes. Finally the man gets angry and has an outburst, "PLEASE STOP!" The swaying guy stands up and yells back "HEY, I was lost at sea on a boat for 8 years, I can't help but sway, it's in my blood!!!" The other man then stands up and yells back while pumping his pelvis, "LOOK PAL, I got 8 kids and you don't see me walking around like this!!!"

Like I said it's a visual.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat all day and drink beer.

[ Edited by: Jungle Trader on 2004-10-14 19:00 ]

Since today (02/02)is groundhogs day, I've been wondering if that means you have to have sausage for your dinner?
After all, it is "ground-hog" day.

On 2004-02-02 13:16, 8FT Tiki wrote:
Since today (02/02)is groundhogs day, I've been wondering if that means you have to have sausage for your dinner?
After all, it is "ground-hog" day.

or you could celebrate by not letting anyone else have access to the stuff you put in the coffee machine

What do you call a fly with no wings?....a walk!

The 2000 presidential candidates were debating the state of the TV industry: Bush said there was too much gore, and Gore said there was too
much bush.

An actor friend of mine is drunk right now, I guess you could say he's a Ham On Rye.

-Z

Q. What do you call a Jewish dilemna?

A. A free ham sandwich.

Look pal...if you can't laugh at yourself...ya' can't laugh.....Hey Ran....did you like that one?

Baked Stuffed Chicken

6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste...

Q: Why doesn't a chicken coop have 4 doors?

A: 'cause then it would be a chicken sedan!

Thank you, don't forget to tip your waitress.
:tiki:

q: why do seagulls fly over the sea?

a: if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.

q: what cheese is made backwards?

a: edam

Q. When does a Weebalo become a Boyscout?

A. After he eats his first Brownie!

OOOOHHHHHH!!!!! That one's JUST WRONG!!!
(This was the big 5th grade joke amongst the cubs and brownies...although I don't think the brownies liked it that much)

A pair of Jumper cables goes into a bar,,
the Bar tender says
"Ok I'll serve you -but don't start anything"

east coast dum jokes

what should a guy do if a cat is sleeping on your toilet seat?

Piscataway.

what happened when the hillbilly girl found a diamond ring?

Pawtucket.

Q. Why did the boy eat his homework?

A. Becuase he thought it was a piece of cake.

On 2004-06-09 09:31, Johnny Dollar wrote:
Q. Why did the boy eat his homework?

A. Becuase he thought it was a piece of cake.

I'm pretty sure I read that one on a Dixie Cup once.

Another one I read was:

Q: What did one fish say to the other fish?
A: Nothing - fish don't talk

An aquaintance came up with this one: Why did Michael Jackson's lawyers quit on him last week? They realized they were too old to get him off!

doh!

classic...

A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to go for hours and hours." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. " The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"

Borrowed from my film idols The Three Stooges:

Professor:
"Young man, If I gave you a dollar and your father gave you a dollar, how many dollars would you have?"

Larry:
"One dollar"

Professor:
"You don't know your arithmetic!"

Larry:
"You don't know my Father !!!"

http://www.audioautographs.com/tiki/nyuk.mp3

On 2004-04-01 08:29, Johnny Dollar wrote:
q: what cheese is made backwards?

a: edam

What kind of cheese does not belong to you?

Nacho Cheese

My Dad's favorite joke:

Why do women rub their eyes when they're tired?

• 'Cause they can't scratch their balls!*

On 2003-10-02 03:48, Cherry Capri wrote:
did you hear the one about the dislexic who walked into a bra?

The Dislexic Agnostic does not believe there really is a Dog.

[ Edited by: stuff-o-rama on 2004-10-01 03:52 ]

A woman was distraught at the fact that she hadn't had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her. So, she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told, "Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your problem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my goodness, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,
"Spit it out? It's a piece of Ass!

A man is riding the elevator when a blonde woman gets on. "T. G. I. F.!" she cheerfully exclaims.

The man replies, "S. H. I. T!"

The blonde insists, "T. G. I. F.! Thank-Goodness-It's-Friday!"

"S.H.I.T.," the man states again, "Sorry-Honey-It's-Thursday!"

This one's funny and was actually reported to a teacher.
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following.

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.
Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night.....early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

The Pope is doing a crossword puzzle when suddenly he asks his assistant; "What is a 4-letter word for woman that ends in U-N-T?"

The assistant replies; "Aunt, A-U-N-T"

The Pope replies: "You got a eraser?"

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible.

He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

boom.

A pirate walks into a bar with a ships' wheel attached to his, er, member. The barkeep pours his grog and says "Excuse me, Cap't, but I couldn't help but notice that you have a ships' wheel on your, er, member". The pirate replies "ARRGH! Aye, matey! It's drivin' me nuts!".

Subject: Why Cardinal Grapje Didn't Become Pope?

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.

Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent.

In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rites to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft
collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye.

The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy.

No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a man with a vasectomy have in common?

A: Ornamental balls.

Heard that one on Bob and Tom the other morning. . .

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I think you're the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.

"Oh wow," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."

A boy grows up in a loving household. As he gets older, everyone remarks how strong, smart, handsome, and well mannered he is. Every day he comes home from school and helps with the chores around the house, and every morning he finds time for a paper route to help with the family's finances. When he reaches 22, his Dad takes him aside and says, "Son, you are growing up to be a wonderful man, but you need to start thinking about a family of your own. I think you should find yourself a girlfriend." The boy takes this advice to heart and soon finds a beautiful girl to start dating.

One day, he brings his new girlfriend home for dinner. The Dad comes home from work and finds the couple sitting very close to each other on the couch. He smiles and gives the beautiful girl the once over. He then excuses himself and asks the son to step out of the room with him. Quietly, in the next room, the Dad says, "Son, she is beautiful, indeed. But, you cannot date or marry that girl." The son is taken back and questions his Dad as to why not. His Father replies, "Because that girl is your sister, and your Mother doesn't know." The boy has no other option then to end his romance with this beautiful girl.

A week passes and the boy is soon smitten with another beautiful local girl, and brings her home for dinner. Shortly, the Dad comes home from work, smiles at his son's new girlfriend, and gives her the once over. Quickly, he excuses himself and asks the son to accompany him into another room. Whispering, the Dad says, "Son, she also is a beautiful girl, indeed. But, you cannot date or marry that girl." The son looks at his Father with questioning eyes and asks why. The Dad replies, "Because that girl is your sister, and your Mother doesn't know." As the obedient son he is, he quickly breaks off the new romance.

A couple weeks later, the boy is in the kitchen with his Mother, and she asks him, "Son, where are those 2 beautiful girls you were dating? You seemed so happy." The son looks at his Mother and replies, "I cannot date them, Mother, because Dad told me they are both my sister, and you didn't know." The Mother's heart felt broken for her son, but a knowing smile spread across her face as she answered, "Son. You can date either one of those girls. It's alright. Your Dad isn't really your father,... and he doesn't know."

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not
disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a
beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely
get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you
need.
Advantage: Pussy

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to
leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend
from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The
rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest
told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little
bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the
priest are in the
confessional.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks, "What did you do?"

The woman says, "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and
sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He
says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and
sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the
priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this
week, three for $5."