Welcome to the Tiki Central 2.0 Beta. Read the announcement
Celebrating classic and modern Polynesian Pop

Beyond Tiki, Bilge, and Test / Bilge

Jokes (some good, some stupid)

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 241 replies

A farmer can't understand why his cork trees aren't growing very well. He's stressing out and losing a lotta sleep. Finally he decides to shred all his pornographic magazines and work them into the soil around the base of all his cork trees. The trees begin to grow very well and in time they really begin to produce a hecka lotta cork. Moral of the story is:......................(I know you're gonna love this line.................................Porn fed cork does very well.

Badabing badaboom.


Get in touch with your inner native!!
Create Paradise!!

[ Edited by: Jungle Trader 2006-08-10 17:49 ]

The Pastor of a church is growing weary and worried waiting for his bellringer to show up and ring the bell before the sermon starts. The bellringer is very late. He waits and waits and finally a man with no arms comes running up to him and says, "Let me ring the bell, I'm the bellringers brother!" The Pastor says, "But you have no arms." To which the man replies, "I can do it, just let me try." The Pastor replies "okay, hurry and do it." So the bellringer takes a running jump and rings the bell with his face and falls 40 ft. to his death. As folks are gathering around to see, someone in the crowd says, "Who was that guy?" Someone else says, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother." OR, "I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell!"

Badabing Badaboom. Hey I told ya' they were stupid, you had advance warning.


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat all day and drink beer.

[ Edited by: Jungle Trader on 2004-10-14 18:54 ]

Scene enactment: A Mafia boss has an accountant who is def and dumb, and needs an interpreter to communicate with sign language between the two of them.

Story:
Mafia boss finds out he is missing one million dollars from his bank account.

Boss to Accountant:
I just checked my account, and I am missing one million dollars. Where the hell is it?

Interpreter in sign language:
Your boss says he's missing a million dollars from his bank account and he wants to know where the hell it is.

Accountant in sign language: I have no freakin idea where it is.

Interpreter to Boss: He has no freakin idea where it is.

Mafia Boss (pulls out a gun): If you don't tell me where the fuckin money is this very minute, I'm gonna blow your god dam head off!!!!!

Interpreter in sign language: If you don't tell him where the fuckin money is this very minute, he's gonna blow your god dam head off!!!!!

Accountant in sign language: OK OK!! I confess, I confess, it's under my bed, it's under my bed!!!!!

Interpreter looks at the boss and says, "He say’s your bluffin”.

Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids?
Every time his wife starts getting hot, he beats her with a shovel. thank you.....

Did you hear about the Polish lottery? You win a dollar a year for a million years!

[ Edited by: tiki-riviera on 2003-10-02 09:19 ]

DZ

One of my faves:

An Irishman walks out of a bar... hey, it could happen!!

One I like to tell my class:

A man walks into a bar... and says "Ow!"

An Ediie Murphy classic:

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks "Excuse me. Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" "Why, no" the rabbit replies. So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

a rabbi, a priest and a bunny walk into a bar and the bartender says, "what is this? a joke?"

and did you hear the one about the dislexic who walked into a bra?

ok - so you've probably heard this one...

A German man walks into a bar and says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
A French man walks into a bar and says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
A Jewish man walks into the bar and says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

J
JTD posted on Thu, Oct 2, 2003 8:38 AM

Two peanuts were walking down the street and one was assaulted.

-JTD

S
SES posted on Thu, Oct 2, 2003 8:52 AM

[ Edited by: susane on 2004-01-20 06:41 ]

S
SES posted on Thu, Oct 2, 2003 8:52 AM

[ Edited by: susane on 2004-01-20 06:42 ]

A piece of string walks into a bar & orders a pina colada. The bartender takes one look at him, shouts: "We don't serve your kind here!", and throws him out.

The piece of string picks himself up, brushes himself off, ties himself into a knot & unravels a little bit of himself at the top. He then walks back into the bar & orders a pina colada.

The bartender looks at him sideways & says: "Say, I just threw a piece of string out that looked alot like you, was that you?" And the string replied: "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

Did you hear about the Jewish girl who asked her father for $50? He said, "$40 dollars! What do you need $30 for?"

This is a real knee-slapper here in the audit department where I work.

It seems two accountants were both writing up journal entries to allocate income to shares of common stock.

The first accountant says "hey Roger, do you calculate your earnings per share (EPS) by dividing the net income by the number of shares of common stock outstanding, or do you calculate it based on the weighted average number of common shares outstanding during the period".

(now get this!)

Roger turns to the first accountant - Arthur - and says "why no Art, I use the Dual EPS presentation, in which the shares are not included in the EPS computations for that period" (rim shot!).

(I dunno, maybe the humor doesn't translate well...)

S
SES posted on Thu, Oct 2, 2003 10:25 AM

[ Edited by: susane on 2004-01-20 06:43 ]

Damn Bong, that's some funny sh*t!

D

[ Edited by: DaneTiki 2009-08-30 19:17 ]

The Second Coming has arrived, and Jesus Christ decides to go dancing. He walks into a disco, gets onto the dance floor and starts to boogie. However, he soon discovers that he has no rhythm! His body is moving completely beyond his control, and (despite being the Son of God) he is powerless to stop it. At his wit's end, he yells "Help! I've risen and I can't get down!"

M

Apologies to those who I subjected this to already, and even more if I read it here first. (Can't remember)

What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?

"You are the wind beneath my wings."

T

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks him "Why the long face?".

What did the blond say when the guy blew in her ear?

"Thanks for the refill."

D

A man goes to see his doctor and is referred to a specialist across town.
He goes to see the specialist.
"Good afternoon Mr. Jones. Welcome to St. Timothy's. At our hospital we specialize in rare disorders that, quite frankly, other hospitals are ill equipped to handle. I have read your file and I believe we can help you. I'd like to take you to radiology now and begin some testing."
The two leave the doctors office and head down the long hall. They turn a corner and Mr. Jones hears a man yell. Mr. Jones turns around to see a man tearing at his pants. Once the man gets his pants off he begins to masturbate.
"What's the matter with him?" Mr. Jones askes the Doctor.
"He has a rare disorder. If he does not ejaculate every 15 minutes he experiences extreme pain and swelling."
They continue down the hall for a few minutes when they turn the corner to see a man yell and pull down his pants. Immediately a nurse rushes over to him and begins to give him a blow job.
"So what's with that?" asked Mr. Jones.
"That guy has the same disorder...just a better health plan."

Two kanakas are knocking back a few Primo beers, while checking out a wahine that's eating some pu-pu's.

The one kanaka sez to da other. "Hey, that's one sweet wahine." The other kanaka sez, "She's fine loookin ya, but I think she's turning blue."

The first kanaka sez, "Hey wahine, you okay?"
She doesn't answer and starts to cough. "Hey wahine, you alright," they both say to her.

She still doesn't answer, so the first kanaka springs into action. He grabs the wahine, spins her around, pulls down her panties and starts running his tongue all over her ass.

The wahine is completely shocked by this and immediately coughs up her pu-pu.

"Hey braddah, where you go for learn that trick?", the second kanaka says.

The first kanaka replies, "I hear story of da hinny lick manuever, so I try da kine on her."

S
SES posted on Thu, Oct 2, 2003 4:50 PM

[ Edited by: susane on 2004-01-20 06:45 ]

S
SES posted on Thu, Oct 2, 2003 4:53 PM

[ Edited by: susane on 2004-01-20 06:45 ]

SES, a jar of wind from Hurricane Isabel. Don't ya' just love capitalism.

Remember Andrew Dice Clay?
3 blind mice
See how day run
Where da' fu** day goin?

S
SES posted on Thu, Oct 2, 2003 5:14 PM

[ Edited by: susane on 2004-01-20 06:46 ]

SES, I'm all over it....packaging some tiki chips as we speak.

Headlines: Bear Attack in Yosemite:
A Czeckoslovakian couple were picnicking in Yosemite when they left their table to get supplies at a nearby store. They also left their son to watch the table. That's when tragedy struck. They arrived back at the table to find a game warden, other campers and blood, but no son. Witnesses say that a large male bear dragged him away screaming. The game warden grabbed some of the witnesses and drove away to look for the bear. Not far away, they soon came upon 2 bears. The warden asked the witnesses if these were the bears, "yes" was the reply. "It was the large male"."Are you sure?" says the warden. "Yes we are positive it was the large male." So the warden shoots the male bear with his gun and they cut him open to find nothing but berries. Just goes to show, you can't always believe it when they say, "The check is in the mail." HARHARHARHAHAHAAAA!

S
SES posted on Thu, Oct 2, 2003 7:00 PM

[ Edited by: susane on 2004-01-20 06:47 ]

Is that anything like Buffalo Chips?

S
SES posted on Thu, Oct 2, 2003 7:27 PM

[ Edited by: susane on 2004-01-20 06:47 ]

B

Celine Dion walks into a Bar, and the Bartender says.."Why the long face?"

S
SES posted on Sun, Oct 5, 2003 1:20 PM

[ Edited by: susane on 2004-01-20 07:00 ]

A woman is driving down the road when she sees a dead pig in the middle of the road. Knowing that this could be dangerous to other drivers she sticks her head out the window at the very next driver that passes in the opposite direction and yells "Pig". The male driver immediately sticks his head out his window and yells "Bitch". The man continues to drive down the road, crashes into the pig, and dies.
See how men are.

E

Phyllis Diller:

What's brown and full of holes?
Swiss shit.

emski

What's a foot long and slippery?

A SLIPPER!!

This isn't a real joke, but while on a tour of Egypt my wife broke down in Bum Fuk on a bus without AC or working windows.

Rev. Dr. Frederick J. Freelance, Ph.D., D.F.S.

[ Edited by: freddiefreelance on 2003-10-17 06:19 ]

T

What has 75 balls and screws little old ladies?

A bingo machine.

What does Bamboo Ben say on Holloween?

Boo!

My 5 and 8 year old came up with it.

RevBambooBen, this thread is about Stupid jokes...5 and 8 year olds make the "BEST" jokes! That was a good one :D

[ Edited by: DawnTiki on 2003-10-22 07:31 ]

That was good one Ben, I actually chuckled. Cute kids.

On 2003-10-21 22:50, RevBambooBen wrote:
What does Bamboo Ben say on Holloween?

Boo!

My 5 and 8 year old came up with it.

What do you say the rest of the year?

I went to the San Diego Wild Animal Park this week end to see the cheetahs during feeding time. The keepers were telling us about how difficult it is to breed the cheetahs, the cubs aren't doing as well as they should. But I wasn't surprised, cheetahs never prosper.

An elephant is strolling through the jungle, surveying his kingdom, being Lord of the Jungle and all that he is. He comes across a wee small mouse who's stuck in quicksand and sinking fast.

"Oh, mighty Lord Elephant!" squeaks the mouse. "Help me and I will owe you my life!"

The elephant mulls it over and decides to help Mr. Mouse. Looking about, he looks for a suitable vine or branch to extend towards the mouse but comes up empty. So he improvises and whips out his elephentine genitalia and slaps it on down with a mighty, uh, slapping sound. The mouse grabs ahold of the awe-inspiring member and the elephant pulls the mouse to safety.

Several years go by.

The mouse has not only survived but prospered. He's tooling around the jungle in a sah-weet candy apple red Porche Carrera, loaded with all the goodies. And who should he come across one day but the very same elephant who saved him so long ago and wouldn't you know it, the elephant is stuck in quicksand and sinking fast. The elephant hastens to point out the debt owed and the mouse, being a man (vermin?) of honor, quickly ties a stout rope to the rear bumper of his candy apple red Porche Carrera and pulls the elephant to safety.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to have a big dick if you drive a red Porche.


tweedtone
http://www.vodkanauts.com
http://www.barelypink.com

[ Edited by: tweedtone on 2003-10-23 06:12 ]

This one is kinda tiki related considering I found it inside my Trader Vic Bartender's Guide when I bought it!

From the St.Louis Post Dispatch - Monday January 20, 1958...

"Author Freddie Schwed tells about a playboy who ordered drinks for everyone, including the bartender, in a swanky cafe and the confessed he didn't have a dime. The bar-keep gave him a black eye and a heave-ho. Next night he reappeared, ordered drinks for everybody and again admitted he was penniless. This time the bar boss gave him a real working-over before throwing him out. Back came the fellow a third night and loudly ordered a round of drinks for the house once more. "For me, too?" inquired the bartender.
"Certainly not," said the playboy loftily, "One drink and you're a raving lunatic."



JohnTiki

Aloha from the enchanted Pi Yi Grotto in exotic Bel Air MD!

[ Edited by: johntiki on 2003-10-27 23:14 ]

T

Oh boy this one is big among the IT depts.

A Mechanic, An Electrician and a Computer Tech are in a car. On thier way through the desert, the car suddenly stops. They all get out and sit on the side of the road. The Mechanic gets up and immediately checks under the hood. Finding nothing wrong, he sits back down on the side of the road. The electrician swears it must be a fuse or something else electronic. He looks and looks and also finds nothing, so he joins the Mechanic on the side of the road. The Computer Tech looks over at the other two and says, "I know what's wrong". He gets in the car, closes the windows, opens the windows again and the car starts fine!

[ Edited by: turbogod on 2003-10-28 10:10 ]

D

What do Hillbillies do on Halloween?
"Pump Kin"

[ Edited by: DawnTiki on 2003-10-28 21:49 ]

Hey Bong,
This guy seems right up your alley.
Herbert "H-Dog" Kornfeld

S
SES posted on Tue, Nov 4, 2003 6:22 AM

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Matt was topping the
bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Matt took to the stage, he announced: "Unlike most stage hypnotists who
invite two or three people to the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost
electric as the man named Matt withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch
from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It has been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a
hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 241 replies