Jokes (some good, some stupid)

George W. Bush is at a press conference and Moses walks in. Bush says "Hello, Moses." Moses doesn't speak. Bush says again, "Hello Moses." He still doesn't respond. So Bush asks, "Well why aren't ya talkin'?" And Moses finally says, "Last time I talked to a bush I got stuck in the desert for forty years."

The oldest sport in history has been proven to be baseball -- it was played in the bible. Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Gideon rattled the pitchers, Goliath was put out by David, and the prodigal son made a home run.

What does a sexy linguist wear to the beach ? ... A dipthong.

Why did the guru have his tooth pulled without anaesthetic?

Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?

Fission chips.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were looking up at stars. Tonto asked "What does this mean to you, Kemosabe?" LR says "I see we're in the constellation Gemini, it's almost time for summer solstice, and the sun will rise in three hours. What do you see, Tonto?"

Tonto said: "It tells me someone stole our tent."

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?

When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere!

Two cannibals in the jungle are standing over a fire with a large boiling pot, stirring the soup with wooden spoons. One cannibal says to the other, "I hate my mother in law, I really don't like her at all, she really makes me sick". The other cannibal says "So just eat the noodles".

"Doctor," said the patient. "I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrom to me," the doctor replies.
"Is that common?"
"It's not unusual."

Did you hear about the pharmaceutical company developing a suppository made from the leaves of palm trees? Their marketing slogan is "With Fronds Like These, Who Needs Enemas?"

There was a history professor and a psychology professor
sitting on a deck at a nudist colony. The history professor
asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think it's from
the wicker chairs."

Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?

He always thought he was following someone.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?
"The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?"
The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto
and says, "I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down".
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver. Unable to do anything except wait, the
Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?
"The Lone Ranger says, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
"Nothing, but you left your Injun running!"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he sometimes suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis

If you read the fine print at the bottom of the Viagra ads, you'll see that the actual chemical name of the drug is micoxafailin

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks the jumper cables over slowly and says, " I'll get you your drink, but you better not start anything".

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Hans, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Hans and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's
pick-up and drive to the top of the Conor Pass. At the Conor Pass, Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Hans watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

Did you hear about the pastor that married an Amish lady? Appearently, he drove her buggy!

Doug is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.  His friend Bob stops him and asks, "Hey Doug!  Whatcha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife." answers Doug.

"Oh!" exclaims Bob, "Good trade."

Who is Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

I just bought a book on levitation.

I can't put it down.

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?

A: Ground beef.

On 2005-09-22 12:30, alohabros wrote:
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?

A: Ground beef.

click here

A cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and decided that it was time, once again to head for the hills. He walked through the swing doors and immediately noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail.

"OK" he said, re-entering the crowded bar "I,m gonna have one more drink and if my horse ain't back by then, the same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City."

With that several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and within minutes one had returned to tell him that they'd found his horse for him. As he turned to leave the bartender stopped him.

"Excuse me stranger" he said, "but what happened in Dodge City?"

The cowboy replied: "I had to walk home!"

The Policeman couldn't believe his eyes as he saw the woman drive past him, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled along the vehicle, wound down his window and shouted "Pull over!"

"No" she replied, "they're socks!"

On 2005-09-24 16:02, tikifish wrote:
... The cowboy replied: "I had to walk home!"

... this joke made the day (if not the week)!... thanks tikifish...

A woman recieves a call early one evening from her husband's doctor.

The doctor tells the woman, "Ma'am, I am not going to beat around the bush...Our lab mixed up your husband's test results with another one of my patients. And to be perfectly honest, the results are either bad or they are terrible."

The doctor continues, "One of the tests came back with a positive result for Alzheimer's Disease and the other test came back with a positive result for AIDS."

The doctor went on to say, "We called Medicare, who paid for the tests, and they refused to pay for a second round of testing, deeming them too expensive."

"However, they had an idea how to find out what test your husband had the positive results for. They suggest that you go and get your husband and take him for a ride. Drop him off downtown, and if he comes home, don't sleep with him."

I was in such a rush for the punchline, I messed up and had to re-read it. THEN I laughed--good one!

At a press conference, George Dubya was asked if he wore boxers or briefs....to which he thoughtfully replied "Depends".

ba_dump_bump....kshhh!

Three couples go before the parishoner of their local church, asking to join the parish. The parishoner asked each couple to take a vow of celebacy for two weeks, as a test of their committment to the church.

Two weeks go by, and the first couple comes back, an older couple in their 60's, comes before the parishoner. The husband says, "Boy it was real difficult, you know I've got a honey of a wife, but we took the vow and made it" so they were invited into the congregation.

The second couple, in their 40's, confessed that they had to buy separate twin beds, and slept in separate rooms, but somehow overcame the urge and they too, took the vow of celebacy, so they were invited into the congregation.

The third couple, newlyweds in their early 30's, came before the parishoner, and admitted that they did not have the willpower to stay celebate for the entire two weeks. The husband starts to explain "You know, we are remodeling our house. Well, my wife was climbing up the ladder, and I could see her beautiful backside and it took all my strength to not take her right then, but then as she was coming down she leaned over to pick up a paint can and I caught a glimpse of her ample busom, and I couldn't take it anymore, I had to have her right then and there!!"

Now about this time, the parishoner states "While I understand your predicament, and can't say that I blame you...I'm afraid I will have to ask you to leave".

The husband looked over to his wife, then back to the parishoner and said "Funny, that's the exact same thing they said to us at Home Depot".

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

A stoner walks into a library, goes up to the librarian and says "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries, and a milkshake."
The librarian looks puzzled and says to the stoner "Miss... this is a library."

The stoner says "Oh! I'm sorry!"

Then she whispers "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries, and a milkshake."

... a stoner was sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a cornfield. another stoner drives by and sees her and stops and yells "you know its stoners like you that make stoners like me look stupid!! if i knew how to swim i'd come out there and kick your ass!" ...

... two old geezers are relaxing on the back porch on a hot summer afternoon, drinking beer. one of them looks over at ol' blue, a hound dog who's lying on the porch happily licking himself, and says "man, i wish i could do that!"

the other guy looks over and replies "well, you probably can, but he can be a mean dog and might bite, so you better pet him first."...

... top ten signs you have a cheap hmo

10. your annual breast exam is conducted at hooters.

11. directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

12. tongue depressors taste faintly of fudgesicle.

13. chief of proctology for the plan is "gus" from roto-rooter.

14. only item listed under preventive care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".

15. your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.

16. "patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

17. the only expense covered 100% is embalming.

18. With your last hmo, your heart pills didn't come in different colors with little "m"'s on them.

...and, the #1 sign you've joined a cheap hmo...

1. you ask for viagra but they suggest the generic equivalent; a popsicle stick and duct tape....

... q - what does hmo stand for?

... a - this is actually a variation of the phrase, 'hey, moe!' its roots go back to a concept pioneered by dr. moe howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes...

... the taco bell chihuahua, a doberman and a bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female collie comes up to them and says, "whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

so the doberman says, "i love liver and cheese." the collie says, "that's not good enough."

the bulldog says, "i hate liver and cheese." she says, "that's not creative."

finally, with his mexican accent, the chihuahua says, "liver alone......cheese mine."...

turn you'r speakers up then click on the link below and look at it for 1 minute.

or copy and paste it!

ughh! it didn't work.

[ Edited by: RevBambooBen 2005-11-01 08:44 ]

[ Edited by: RevBambooBen 2005-11-01 08:45 ]

On 2005-11-01 08:43, RevBambooBen wrote:
turn you'r speakers up then click on the link below and look at it for 1 minute.

or copy and paste it!

ughh! it didn't work.

Now that's Funny!!! Heh hehehehe

... a young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. he was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

the problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. a tiny fart escaped.

"spot!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "spot!" she called out sharply. "i've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. one more and i'll feel fine. so he let loose a really big one.

"spot!" shrieked the mother. "get over here before he shits on you!"

... a butcher is busy at work when notices a dog in his shop. he shoos the dog away. later, he notices the dog is back again. he walks over to the dog, and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. the butcher takes the note which reads, "can i have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

the butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. so the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

the butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. so, off he goes. the dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. they do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. the dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. the butcher is in awe at this stage. the dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

along comes a bus. the dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. another bus comes. again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. the butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

the bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus. the dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following. they walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. he walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. he goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! there's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. he gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. he walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. the butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

the butcher runs up and stops the guy. "what the heck are you doing? this dog is a genius. he could be on tv, for god's sake!"

"clever, my ass," the guy responds, "this is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Aloha Bro-

I want your Job!!

What's the hardest part about roller blading?

Telling your dad you're GAY!!
(not that there's anything wrong with it)

Whats the only fast food restaurant at the north pole?

Brrrrrrrger King

On 2005-11-01 23:44, RevBambooBen wrote:
Aloha Bro-

I want your Job!!

... what? workin' a ranch in carrizozo, oi vey... plus cleaning the basaltic lava flows after the research teams leave is fully bogus...they are pigs...