Jokes (some good, some stupid)

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.. There was a sign on the cage that said $20.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looks at her and says, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and says...

'New house, new madam.'

The woman is a bit shocked at the implication, but then thinks 'That's really not so bad.'

When her two teenage daughters return from school the bird sees them and says, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman are a bit offended,but then begin to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband comes home from work.

The bird looks at him and says...

'Hey, Eddie.'

A woman went to the store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs."

"Blow job!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proved, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a good gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone!"

BLACK TESTICLES

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES
-If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
-If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
-When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
-When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
-A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
-A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
-A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
-The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
-A woman has the last word in any argument.
-Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
-A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
-A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
-A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
-A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
-A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
-A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
-A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
-A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
-Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
-Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
-Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
-A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[ Edited by: VampiressRN 2008-08-18 20:45 ]

If life gives you scurvy...make lemon aide. ARGH!!!

Read this in the latest Rolling Stone. Warning: make sure you're not eating or drinking anything before reading!

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says, "Sir, you've got to stop masturbating."

And the guy was like, "Why?"

And the doctor says, "So I can examine you."

OMG....that is too funny!!!

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that was a good fit for me and probably some of you...

"If it weren't for FLASHBACKS, I wouldn't have any memory at all."

Costello Calls To Buy A Computer From Abbott?

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Hello. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'

Friendship--Male vs. Female

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Science Nerd with Rum on their Breath Joke:

Two atoms walk out of a tiki bar
One says to the other "Hey I think I left my electron back there in the bar!"
The other says "Are you sure?!?"
"Yeah, I'm positive."

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No" - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place with her. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

"Mom, you still awake?"

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane.
When the plane took off and settled into its climb, the stranger turned to the little girl and said, "I've always found that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "OK. What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger, "How about nuclear power?"
"Yes," she said, "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass -- the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thought for a few moments then said, "You know, I've never thought about that. I have no idea."
The little girl began to open her book again, saying, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip.
He began his day with an 8 pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second.
On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang. (dumbass turn it off)
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day EVAR on the water.
He decided to get in a couple more casts before heading to the hospital.
He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with three bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant!
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and axed about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!"
"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her caregiver forever!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just fuckin' with you. She's dead.
What'd you catch?"

This ones' for Grog, Martin, Pug, Sabu, and a few other characters, cuz you all have wooden legs.

here it goes, stop me if you've heard it (GET IT? HAHAHAHAHA)

Alright, so this bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few daze later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very Truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says,

Dear sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very Truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST.
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on the crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.
Very Truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

[ Edited by: Jungle Trader 2008-10-23 21:10 ]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, the Gynecologist was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, the Gynecologist called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

Thought I'd add to this very funny thread..here it goes:

Three men who were newlyweds were talking about life with their new brides. The first man married a farmer's daughter from the mid-west. He told his friends that on their first married night he informed his wife that at the end of each day when he came home from work she was to have a hot dinner waiting for him. On his first day home, he didn't see any dinner, so he made his demand again. on the second night it was a little better and by the third night there was a delicious hot dinner ready and waiting for him.

The second man married a southern belle. On thier wedding night he sternly told her that each evening upon his arrival home, she was to have the house cleaned and a hot dinner ready for him. On the first night, he could see no progress, on the second it was a little better and by the third night the house was spotless and dinner was delicious.

The third man married a girl from New Jersey. On their first night together, he demanded that when got home from work each evening she was to have the laundry washed and folded, the house cleaned and a piping hot dinner ready and waiting for him. On the first night he could not see anything. On the second night, still the man could not see anything, but by the third night, the swelling had gone down enough in his left eye that he could see well enough to fix his dinner and fold the laundry.

Why do leprechauns laugh when they run?
Cuz the grass tickles their nuts.

I was at the bank today; there was a short line, just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She axed the teller, "Why it change? Yesserday I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN

6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck and toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

Ever had Rodeo Sex?
Yeah, when you're havin' a doggy style with your wife/girlfriend and you tell her that her girlfriend was better, see how long you can stay on. YEEEEEHAW!

On 2007-01-25 10:44, Jungle Trader wrote:
Ever heard of Rodeo sex?
That's when you're doin' your girl or wife doggy style and you tell her that her girlfriend was better, then see how long you can stay on.

Heard that one somewhere before.

I keep wondering why the Frisbee is getting bigger.

Then it hits me.

Corduroy Pillows Are Making Headlines!

Silence is Golden.

Duct Tape is Silver.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

I like cats too!

Let's exchange recipes....

Floor collapses during Weight Watchers weigh-in

I was under the impression that EVERYONE in Sweden was thin and beautiful! LOL Frankly, this is one of my biggest fears - you wouldn't believe how lightly I tread! :)

On 2010-01-15 18:23, Heath wrote:
Floor collapses during Weight Watchers weigh-in

Her story-

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar to meet him, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late. He didn't say anything much about it. He seemed silent, distracted and his only eye contact seemed judgmental. I decided maybe I should never wear that dress again. Well, maybe it was the colour. Maybe I should never wear this colour again either. The conversation was so slow going so I thought maybe we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. He didn't really seem to agree, but we went off to this quiet, little restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up, be witty and tell cute stories, but I start to wonder whether it's me or something else. He doesn't smile much, so I ask him, but he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. I wonder and then I think about the 5 pounds I gained this past month. I bet he thinks I'm a fat hog now. Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me, but doesn't squeeze. I don't know what the hell this all means or what I should think because you know he doesn't say it back or do anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes or so, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seems really, really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I roll over and sniffle a little real quietly. He snores. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?

His story-

Shitty day at work. Really tired. Got laid, though.

Bob came home drunk one night from one too many at Smuggler's COve, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber..

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

Bob! Wake up. You crapped the bed!'

boomerangs are making a comeback....

How do you get an elephant into a plastic grocery store bag?

You remove the "S" from Safe and the "F" from Way.

There is no "f" in way (no f'in way) Har har!

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Caveman humor:

You're bad GROG :lol:

Here's a joke my seven year old daughter told me earlier today.

Why is Cinderella so bad at playing basketball?

Scroll down...

down ... keep going.

ready?

okay here it is...

Because her coach is a pumpkin.

Along those lines, where do bees go to the bathroom?

The BP station!

DEMENTIA TEST

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.

As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert.

If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until after you've answered them.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

4. Without using a calculator -

You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .

In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!

If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Say, Knock, knock

On 2010-10-19 12:40, Lokepa wrote:
Say, Knock, knock

I love that joke. :) I have used it for years. Most people just stare at your blankly...

i know... i have had to actually explain that joke to some people!! i only had one person give me a good comeback... when i said, who's there? they said my name! darn clever i say!

What has 102 floors and sucks blood?

The Vampire State Building.

(I came up with that a long time ago. I never thought it was great joke and everyone I've told it to has agreed with me. But I think it's at least Bazooka Joe comic quality.)

Observing a light across the water, the captain had his signalman instruct the other vessel to change her course 10 degrees south.

The response was prompt: "Change your course ten degrees north."

"I am a captain," he responded testily. "Change your course ten degrees south."

The reply: "I'm a seaman first-class, change your course north."

The captain was furious. "Change your course now. I'm on a battleship."

"Change your course ten degrees north, sir - I'm in a lighthouse!"

Something funny in a Christmas theme, courtesy of my 2nd grade class:

Q: How many reindeer does Santa have? Name them.

A: Santa has 10 reindeer

1. Dasher
2. Dancer
3. Prancer
4. Vixen
5. Comet
6. Cupid
7. Donner
8. Blitzen
9. Rudolph
10. Olive

Olive? Yeah, you know - the 'other' reindeer! The one that used to laugh & call Rudolph names!

Just in case anyone's unaware, that reindeer joke was the basis for a fairly popular kids Christmas story Olive The Other Reindeer which itself was turned into a decent little animated special featuring Drew Barrymore as Olive.

And now a joke that was written right here on Tiki Central...*

Why was the river cursed?

Because beavers dammed it.

*This joke seems so obvious it probably has appeared elsewhere, but a semi-half assed Google search yielded no results.

Olive...the other damned vegetable!!!

On that topic...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
-Rodney Dangerfield