Favorite Quotes--from dive bars, restaurants, etc!

What I am looking for is something you overheard when out and about-I am not looking for your favorite inspirational quote from JFK, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, Mike Tyson or Spongebob Squarepants!
I will start it out with THREE quotes I heard during this weekend; Customer to bartender, "Have you seen 'Rick'? He and 'Rhonda' broke up and I thought he might be in jail!" Bar customer to bartender "I just called up ONE of my men and his wife answered!". And my favorite quote this weekend...Restaurant patron to no one in general, "If I ever meet the tooth fairy I am gonna kick her ass!!!".

Ok folks...now its YOUR turn!! :)

Have a nice Tiki Day!

[ Edited by: MRSMILEY on 2004-08-09 10:38 ]

Not me,but this happened to a guy my husband and I used to work for.He went in for breakfast one morning at this greasy spoon called the Golden Cup,and when the waitress came over to him,she said "Don't f@@k with me this morning,I've got a hangover." Needless to say,he tread very carefully.Yow.

Recently, I was at Denny's at three in the morning (the restaurant, not the Kings place). My night crawler waitress, who was no stranger to the Tattoo parlor, brought our food and affected this unsettling look of shock and horror. I asked her if she was OK and she said "I swallowed my piercing".
Mahalo,
Al

Sitting in a bar years ago, as I tried to sneek an olive out of the condiment tray, the bartender yelled at me "If you want a free buffet get your ass over to El Torito for happy hour!"

I sat at a small table next to two elderly couples at the Mai Kai last year, and overheard one of the ladies trying to tell the famous-but-lousy "Hey, that's nacho cheese" joke.

She was mangling it so obtusely that I had a hard time sipping my grog.

I can't really assemble the first part, but her punchline is indelibly etched in my mind:

As she got to the punch line, there was a moment of silence as she tried to pull that last hilarious sentence out of her brain and she came out with..."Hey, I don't think this is my cheese!"

Her mates didn't get it, but it sure cracked me up. Plus, she crossed that invisible line that seperates humor from philosophy.

[ Edited by: Geeky Tiki on 2004-08-09 10:19 ]

I was at an A's game around 1990 or so where they were giving Rickey Henderson posters to all the kids in attendance.

A couple of kids were sitting beind me looking at their posters and I heard this conversation:

Kid 1: "How old is he?"
Kid 2: "In his PRIME!"

One night in the now defunct Salem, Oregon "Tahiti" bar, I overheard a guy, fresh out of the local jail, proudly proclaim (in explanation of why he had served time): "So then I told her if she was gonna GIVE it like a man she was gonna TAKE it like a man!"

This may have been the same night that some college kid started reaching over the bar and putting bottles of alcohol in his baggy pants pockets while the bartender's back was turned, but that's hard to put in quotations.

Overheard while thrift shopping:

Man 1: You like Donny Osmond?
Man 2: No.
Man 1: He's gay, hey?
Man 2: Yes.
Man 1: He is???
Man 2: I dunno.
Woman: Does it matter?

"That's awesome. I'd totally skateboard in this."
(Young man trying on a suit jacket).

"I think it's a print." (Two women looking at a reproduction of a Renoir).

This weekend at a waterfront seafood restaurant in SF:

Three lost small children are running around looking for their dad in the outdoor seating area. They interrupt our waitress just as she is taking our order:
"Um, excuse me, um, we're, um....you know what my dad looks like?"

He said it not as a question, but with a tone of "of course you do". They were not customers of the restaurant, so there's no way she would know.

In the animal kingdom at large, this is known as the weeding-out of the old, sick or stupid members of the heard. But alas, the father was found and the circle of life goes on.

Overheard from two american tourists in a grocery store in Milan: "How do you say mozzarella in Italian?"

And my favorite: my friend walks into the Hotsy Totsy bar in Albany just in time to see this huge guy at the doorway throw a beer bottle at the bartender and shatter on the back wall of the bar. He then yells at the bartender: "That's 'cause you ain't a people person, motherfucker!" and leaves.

Things a cocktail server has said or asked when I was their bartender:

1. What’s in a gin and tonic?
2. When is Cinco de Mayo?
3. Were you present when your driver's license picture was taken?
4. If it is against the law for people to drink and drive, why are there parking lots outside of bars?

[ Edited by: Unga Bunga on 2004-08-10 00:19 ]

Working in a gentleman's club, I hear plenty. But two, I've adopted are...

I said "Ahhh, a smart ass" He said "Better than a dumb ass"

A dancer said to me "that guy's breath was bad enough to make a maggot gag"

I also feel your pain about dumb cocktail comments/questions. My fave "there's no alcohol in my Midori Collins" Uh....is it green?

I remember one now-we were in Las Vegas several years ago and stayed at the Monte Carlo.On our last morning there,we were playing video poker and overheard two cocktail waitresses talking.One was training the other,and the trainer(who was amply endowed)said the trainee(not so blessed)"Just remember,tits equals tips".Truly words to live by.

A rowdy guy at a party was talking about the time he got shot in the head. A girl looked at him very concerned & asked, "Did you live?"

She was embarrassed that everyone had such a good laugh at her expense.

She said "Hey, my sister is the dingy one. She was in a car wreck & went to the ER to check out her scrapes & bruises. Then she told everybody, 'They sent me home because all I have is illusions & confusions'."

Overheard in bar: "You know what? You're disrespectful to anyone named Keith!" (followed by a guilty silence from the other party).

In Oakland Arena parking lot, two guys walking from their car to stadium:
First guy: "Man, if I wanted to walk THIS far, I'd have walked here, not ridden with you!"
Second guy: "You'da walked further if you stayed home."
First guy: "Yeah, right on."

Overheard at restaurant: "She thinks the whole world's her clam chowder, and everyone else is chopped salad."

This last one I supposedly said in a very serious tone, but can't remember the context: "Squirming and babbling will get you nowhere!"

Overheard in the British Museum of Natural History, next to a glass case containing a famous racing Greyhound, stuffed.

Little Boy: "That's dog's been killed, has it, Mum?"
Mother: "Yes, it has."
Little Boy, (thoughtfully): "Good."

In a fit of holiday road rage in the Powell Street Plaza parking lot in Emeryville, I heard:

"FUCK YOU! Merry Christmas!"

(Hanford, I apologize for swearing.)

Overheard this from my own flesh and blood...my brother...explaining to a creditor on the phone as to why he couldn't make his payment on time:

"I'd have made the payment on time, but couldn't due to some 'insinuating' circumstances."

Overheard at our local chinese restraunt/tiki bar from a young guy and three girls (barely legal) who had just been served a volcano bowl.

He had just been trying to impress the girls by telling them that he was a volcano drinking "veteran"

Girl- "what's in the middle that's flaming"
Boy- "Gasoline or something. Don't drink it!"
Other girls- "Ohhhh"
:drink:

While in New Orleans for Teaseorama I about 3 years ago I stayed above a bar called Mollys At The Market. One morning I was having a few at the bar and I overheard a whino say to the bartender:

"Sometimes I feel like there's a little man in my head building shoes"

Kind of hard to describe unless you've been out drinking in a kilt...but..."Your wife's Lipstick" is about the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Not heard in a public place,but our living room years ago-a very dear friend had come over to chat as I was watching "Life in the E.R."and we observed one poor soul who had a 12 inch chef's knife imbedded in his skull.My girlfriend looked horrified,and then said "Gail,I think someone was trying to kill that man!".We still giggle over that one.

I read this on the bathroom stall at Barnes and Nobel. "It’s funny that, while surrounded by literature, you dumb asses still manage to write on this stall and misspell words. There’s a Webster dictionary right outside the door." The other "decent" thing from the stall said "There's better stuff written in the next stall over" You got to love that crappy bathroom poetry. Hee Hee

a laminated plastic sign on the exit to the men's room: "employees must wash hands."

written underneath that: "washees must employ hands."

[ Edited by: Johnny Dollar on 2004-08-10 13:44 ]

At my wedding, the priest said at the office begins: "we're all here for Nicolas & Sandrine funerals"

Last night at the Tiki Ti (and I am not kidding about this...)

This guy walks up to Big Mike and says, "I want a Jimmy Buffet, but it's difficult to make... It's got coconut rum..."

While passing a languid afternoon on the patio of Seattle's Luau restaurant, I overheard three young women discussing their recent--ahem--exploits:

Girl 1: So did you?
Girl 2: Yeah
Girl 1: How was it?
Girl 2: The best thing I can say about it is that it was over with quick.

Ouch! It was hard to keep mai tai from coming out of my nose.

Outside Crown Books, Christmas eve, "Open This FUCKIN' Door it's Christmas Fuckin' Eve"

or this sign seen in an elevator at senior housing

was there really a problem with the seniors getting crazy and trying to open the hatch door?

[ Edited by: Mano Tiki Tia on 2004-08-29 00:41 ]

Best bathroom graffiti I ever read:

Over the urinal in a bar in Las Vegas:

"Why are you looking here, the joke is in your hand"

Overheard yesterday on da radio:

"Triple-digit temperatures expected today and forecasters say it could go even higher".

Yikes!