Things I've learned while really drunk:

• Don't shave your pubic hair.
• You steering the car and your somewhat more sober friend operating the brake and gas WILL NOT work.
• Your tires really will get flattened if you drive back over those spikes on the exit gate.
• You probably won't be able to 'pull out' in time.
• Swalling each ingredient of a Mai Tai separately blows.
• Farts really DO ignite.
• Rattlesnakes ARE fast!
• $20 WILL NOT get you out of a DUI stop.
• Don't shave off your eyebrows.
• Don't go the the military enlistments centers sh*$ faced, unless you want free room and board for 2 years.
• Don't get married.
• Don't get divorced.
• Don't call 911 for fun.
• Don't make Laney mad.
• Don't try to pole vault.
• Don't run across 4 lanes of Pacific Coast Highway.
• Don't smoke pot in the Costa Mesa PD Parking lot thinking your behind a bar instead.
• And lastly, Don't call you boss at home.

Here are a few tokens of wisdom that I (Shelley) have picked up along the way....

1. Do NOT pick a fight with the cops, under any circumstances.

2. No, you are not as beautiful as you think you are.

3. No, you are not a good singer either.

4. Do not bring chocolate ice cream or Hershey bars to bed with you.

5. Do not get too comfortable on Bong's toilet, you might fall asleep there.

6. Whatever you do, try not to embarrass Al.

7. Sleeping in your clothes is not as comfortable as you thought it would be only a few hours ago.

8. Yes, you will regret this behavior in the morning, but what the heck?

• Firi Firi Tiki, Shell in the Pacific

[ Edited by: Alnshely on 2003-08-15 23:26 ]

Holy Cow Bong....that sounde like one eventful evening. I gotta party with you cowboy.

"I don't give a fly's fart in a hurricane IF he's a four time Marine Corps Boxing Champion...he's 'disrespectin me"

Don't go on ebay drunk! I'm bad enough sober.
Here's an article on just this problem from one of my favorite websites.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3530/ebay_drunk.html

On 2003-08-17 12:02, laney wrote:
Don't go on ebay drunk! I'm bad enough sober.
Here's an article on just this problem from one of my favorite websites.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3530/ebay_drunk.html

ahh....e-bay , when i've been drinking..."regrets , i've had a few.."

My friend Rarg, went on E-bay drunk and placed bids on twenty diffrent stuffed animals. He was almost the owner of such diverse examples of badly preserved creatures as "eyeless bager","moth-eaten dog" ("he was my grandads but he bit kids so we had him put down"),"zebra foot" and "squirrel/stoat on branch" (the owner couldn't work out what it might have once been).

Don't walk (or stumble) near Atomic at any party that has to do with Tiki Farm!!! lol

Unless you're into helicoptor rides!!! lol

p.s. or play darts/limes with C'Al in Catalina!!! Or, ride on the back of a golf cart after a night in the Marlin Club!!!

During my drunkin youth ...
I learned never to:

1. Feed tropical fish candy corn & fudge

2. Crash at my grandmothers after a night of drinking tequila (she calls an ambulance every time)

3. Roam the streets of a foreign country

4. Order/pronounce Vietnamese food.

5. Play a game of ckicken on sketeboards

6. Ask my ex bosses wife if she's supposed to be a whore (Halloween)

7. Go to an amusement park afetr drinking 2 bottles of red wine

8. Go shopping for a wedding gift

9. Load up on 7/11 cheese sauce

10. Play a game of "open your mouth and close your eyes"

Oh the shame...

Your Grandma calls an ambulance EVERY TIME you show up drunk? Bless her heart, that's hilarious.

1. Don't smile and wave at the policeman sitting next to you at the stoplight, even if you're not over the legal limit (my brother learned that lesson)

2. If you decide to pull to the side of the road and sleep it off, don't forget to put the car in park and turn off the ignition. This was learned by someone I heard about in NW Indiana. He was passed out all night with his foot on the brake.

A cop came up the next morning rapping on his window to wake him up. It woke him up just enough to relax his foot a little on the brake and the cop had to jog along beside the car until he finally woke up.

Then when they asked him for his registration he got real frustrated because he knew it was in the glove compartment but couldn't find it. He finally realized he was in the police car and was rifling thru the wrong glove compartment.

2. If you decide to pull to the side of the road and sleep it off, don't forget to put the car in park and turn off the ignition.

Don't just turn it off, take the keys OUT!
Sitting in a car with the keys in the ignition equals intent to drive while intoxicated. Keys out means just napping.

A few more that I've learned...

1. Restating Bong's first point - Do not spray Nair on your genitals.

2. Houseplants have an extremely low tolerance for urine.

3. An Ocelot, while the same size as a small wood-chipping machine, is not as gentle.

4. Do not try to ride a shopping cart down the hill at 190th Street and Prospect.

5. Mimes will talk some if you nudge them with your truck's bumper.

6. At the Zoo, a monkey will never get arrested for throwing poo, but you will.

7. Do not go anywhere with a Tijuana prostitute if she has a Harley-Davidson eagle tatooed across her shoulders.

8. Get drunk enough and you can clean up an infinite number of guests' vomit without getting sick yourself.

9. There are some places you should not rub with a serrano chile.

10. Most importantly - Do Not try to ride a balance-board in the vicinity of ceramics. Yes, I know Baxdog can do it, but he's not really normal, is he.

Sabu

On 2003-08-18 17:58, kctiki wrote:
Your Grandma calls an ambulance EVERY TIME you show up drunk? Bless her heart, that's hilarious.

Well it's only happened twice.
When I started college, I wasn't able to get into the dorms. So I stayed at my grandmothers for a quarter. My friends used to drop me off on her lawn shitfaced. I was 17 an away from home for the first time...

I love my grandma for her contiunuos love and concern...

Posting on T.C. and finding out the next morning what a freakin idiot you were, and then re-editing them back to "stability".

[ Edited by: Unga Bunga on 2003-08-19 11:43 ]

[ Edited by: Unga Bunga on 2003-08-19 11:44 ]

[ Edited by: Unga Bunga on 2003-08-19 11:44 ]

[ Edited by: Unga Bunga on 2003-08-19 11:44 ]

[ Edited by: Unga Bunga on 2003-08-19 11:44 ]

[ Edited by: Unga Bunga on 2003-08-19 11:45 ]

[ Edited by: Unga Bunga on 2003-08-19 11:45 ]

[ Edited by: Unga Bunga on 2003-08-19 11:45 ]

[ Edited by: Unga Bunga on 2003-08-19 11:46 ]

[ Edited by: Unga Bunga on 2003-08-19 11:48 ]

On 2003-08-18 17:58, kctiki wrote:

2. If you decide to pull to the side of the road and sleep it off, don't forget to put the car in park and turn off the ignition. This was learned by someone I heard about in NW Indiana. He was passed out all night with his foot on the brake.

A cop came up the next morning rapping on his window to wake him up. It woke him up just enough to relax his foot a little on the brake and the cop had to jog along beside the car until he finally woke up.

When I used to work and came across a passed out driver, I would sometimes have some fun with them. I would turn on the emergency lights and then walk up to the drivers side window. I would then knock on the window and run in place next to the car waving my arms wildly while holding my flashlight and yelling at the driver to stop his car. This would wake them up usually pretty quick.

Whoa Tiki Rider Five-O, that's a gas! If you can find ways to make YOUR job more fun, surely anyone can!

Do not attempt to demonstrate your expert fighting style. I lost my 2 front teeth that way. I knocked my own out!

On 2003-08-20 15:04, Swanky wrote:
Do not attempt to demonstrate your expert fighting style. I lost my 2 front teeth that way. I knocked my own out!

with numchucks(sp?)

[i]On 2003-08-19 12:04, Tiki Rider Five-O wrote:
When I used to work and came across a passed out driver, I would sometimes have some fun with them. I would turn on the emergency lights and then walk up to the drivers side window. I would then knock on the window and run in place next to the car waving my arms wildly while holding my flashlight and yelling at the driver to stop his car. This would wake them up usually pretty quick.

I am SOOO sorry I did not get to meet you, TR5O, on my trip out to California! You sound like my kinda trooper/guy!!

Things I learned when drunk:

I'm extremly witty and charming but the ladies can't see it.

Get on floor before passing out, less painful.

Increases the desire, decreases the performance!

Puking from beer smells worse than puking from rum.

I'm an f-ing lightweight!!

Bong,
How about don't post to tiki central whilst drunk, lambasting other members with stupid false rumors and stereotypical fundamentalist rhetoric?
My first post! BUt I've been lurking for a while.
Dounia

Let me be the first to send a warm welcome to, Dounia. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome!

I think Dounia finally got drunk enough to post!

On 2003-08-22 13:26, Dounia wrote:
Bong,
How about don't post to tiki central whilst drunk, lambasting other members with stupid false rumors and stereotypical fundamentalist rhetoric?
My first post! BUt I've been lurking for a while.
Dounia

Dounia,

I'm sure it's confusing for you, but this thread, to which you replied, was in jest! Besides, if TC members didn't post 'whilst' drunk, there would probably be about 90% less posts.

Please describe what 'false rumors' you refer (if you can remember)?

And in regards to 'stereotypical fundamentalist rhetoric' in previous posts, that also was in jest (funny huh?)! (I wouldn't discuss religion if I were you, as Hanford has proscribed it.)

Why is it I really think you are a re-registration of a recently discredited or disgruntled TC member?

Nope, Bong, I'm brand spanking new, though I've been lurking off and on for months as a guest first, and now as a member. Can't mention the false rumors...might get me in trouble.
Now I'm going to go make post 3 in a real topic.

If your first post is to lambaste an honorable tiki contributor, I can't wait to see what's next!

Hanford is going to have a busy weekend... he he

Lambasted Bong, do fries come with that? Sorry I'm on a diet, everything pertains to food! :P

Dounia,

Why am I of such interest to you? Since you don't post, you must have been fastidiously writing down all my posts. Maybe I should employ you as my personal scribe?

Anyway, nice to have you aboard. Cannot wait to hear your wisdumb...

Welcome Dounia...
I dont know you but you sound alittle like an angry troll when your attacking Bong as your first couple of posts...whats up? Mix a mai tai and enjoy Beautiful Tiki Central, you are amongst a friendly group. Aloha!

"Dounia" (AKA Ford Vox? Lisa Vox?, I don't know exactly) has been banned because of the comments in her/his first post.

People, I'm serious about no politics or religion, and trying to restart topics or get the last word in.

Thanks for understanding!

~Hanford

Arrrrrrrrrr!!!

"Never volunteer to appease the god by jumping into the volcano." You only learn that drunk lesson once!

Things I have learned:

1. Although singing 'My Heart Willl Go On' at a karaoke bar seems funny for the first 30 seconds, you quickly realize there are 20 more verses of the song you have to get through, and, much like Celine's heart, they go on, and on, and on...

2. Coffee tables will bump into your shins at every opportunity.

3. Arguing with the doorman is not advised.

4. Shopping on Ebay is not a good idea. You will spend the next 3 days praying you will get outbid on that Mr. T air freshener or ceramic cat.

5. Your ability to ride a bicycle is severely diminished.

[i]On 2003-08-22 13:39, i]
Let me be the first to send a warm welcome to, Dounia. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome!

Sounds more like it should be a warm goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!

Never ever ask a woman with a large belly if she is pregnant..........not even when you're sober.

[ Edited by: kahukini 2009-12-11 11:05 ]

If you get hungry while drunk, be sure to carefully identify what you're about to consume.

Dad always had a sweet tooth and was rummaging through the kitchen for something to satisfy it. He found a large jar containing small lavender colored spheres. He thought they were candy or cake decorations and gobbled them down before we could tell him it was African Violet fertilizer.

Another time he took a large bite of fresh ginger root - actually chewed and swallowed it. I don't know what he mistook it for - a chicken gizzard maybe. It caused simultaneous respiratory and gastrointestinal distress.

I certainly wouldn't recommend this kind of excess in drinking or eating. He didn't live to a ripe old age. But he was a lot of fun while he was here.

Kahukini,

You're a good man. Let's start with a clean slate and enjoy all that's tiki.

Mahalo and aloha - Bong

1. Don't tell the nice policeman: "No, that's not how you frisk someone! Let me show you..."

2. Don't sleep with anyone you wouldn't sleep with while sober.

2a. Most women don't like you to puke on'em during sex, and you don't want the other kind.

2b. And that girl who starts making out with you in the bar 'cause you're good @ darts probably isn't a good idea, either.

3. Punching out a plate glass window is NEVER a good idea.

3a. Kicking one out isn't much better.

4. "Why don't we make a Love Sandwich? You two can be the bread & I'll be the Meat!" isn't a very successful pick-up line.

5. If you try to ride your motorcycle drunk from Sherman Oaks to Pasadena you may find yourself discovering the back roads to Simi Valley instead.

6. Don't piss on a Cops rear tire while he's stopped @ a red light.

7. Don't leave your friends little brother handcuffed to a telephone pole, no matter how much of an annoying little tag-along he is.

8. Peanut butter, hard salami, Miracle Whip, & bread-n-butter pickles make a better sandwich than you'd think.

9. You buy interesting things in the supermarket if you do your food shopping drunk/stoned & hungry.

10. Most jobs don't like it when you show up to work drunk on New Years Eve, bite someone trying to get into the parking lot, kick in the door to a salesman's office, have sex with a girl on said salesman's office floor, & pass out in a puddle of your own Blackberry Brandy scented puke under the receptionist's desk (luckily they never figured out it was me).

11. Other things that seemed like a good idea @ the time: Performing oral sex on a girl onstage during a Damned concert in Brooklyn, drinking a 5th of Canadian Club in the Hollywood Palladium during a Ramones/Black Flag/Minutemen show & biting a bouncer, trying to sneak my passed out girlfriend into her bed past her very religious parents, putting cigarettes out on various body parts, moving to Vegas, getting a station wagon airborne, having naked pictures of me posted on the internet, throwing all the furniture out the window at the dumpster 3 stories down, playing rugby, throwing bottles @ police officers...

I used to be pretty angry, but I'm feeling much better now.

WARNING-this is very painful. After a night of drinking and sex I woke up and had to take a hell of a piss. I ran into the bathroom and whipped out Mr. Big real fast, but some drippage from the night before had glued the tip to my underwear, and the skin from the very tip was ripped off. I think the scream was heard in 3 states.

Things I've learned while (my date was) really drunk:

Don't think you're the world's greatest lover, even when YOU ARE NOT the one drunk!

I remember it like it was yestarday: it was 1988, and I was literally attacked by my totally drunk date who couldn't even wait to take off all my clothes. I was wearing Levi 501's (I could actually fit into 501's then) and she undid my pants and jumped on like a wild cowgirl. She was screaming and moaning so loud, I really thought I was the world's greatest lover until....

I sort of "slipped out", but she kept on riding and screaming in ecstacy, only to find out that it was the top button to my 501's that "got her off". My ego, as well as other parts of me, was quickly deflated.

On 2003-08-15 23:25, Alnshely wrote:
2. No, you are not as beautiful as you think you are.

Neither is the guy/girl/barnyard animal you are considering getting close to either. DON'T leave it until the cold light of morning to find out.

Also ... making out with your friend's younger brother (or his friends) is never good idea.

And finally ... if you have imbibed enough peach California Coolers to make you go throw up on the Datsun outside under NO circumstances go back inside for more just so your friends won't think you're a wimp.

On 2003-09-03 19:41, CruzinTiki wrote:

Also ... making out with your friend's younger brother (or his friends) is never good idea.

No shit. I found that out the hard way...

1: Don't ever play Pictionary if there are children in the room.

2: Hide the keys from your friends gun locker.

3: It may be OK to park the Harley in the kitchen for the winter but don't even consider riding it around the house.